Am I being too sensitive or does he have issues communicating properly?

[starrynightz45]

So far, I've been on 4 dates with this guy. He's been a gentleman, affectionate, and calls or texts me every single day.

 

Yesterday, we went out on another date. Overall it went well.Now, in the past I've been to one of his art shows and ended up staying for a couple hours. He mentioned a few weeks earlier that he was having an art show on Thursday from 7-10pm. During the date, he mentioned the show again. He has a tendency to be blunt and seems to be kind of bad at putting things in a nice way. He said that if I do end up going, I should only stay a few minutes because the gallery was very small and it wouldn't be easy to stand around and chat like last time. I understood at that point, and said sure, that would be fine, I'd stop by.

 

A couple hours later, he brought up the show again. He said one of his friends, who had been out of the country for a couple weeks, wanted to get dinner with him before the show and if they planned to get dinner, he would let me know so I could join them. We could get dinner, and then I could go to the show and again, he repeated that I should stay for a couple minutes. Again, I said that was fine, just let me know about dinner.

 

Today, he sent me a text saying that him and his friend were going to get dinner before the show to "catch up." Assuming that this meant I wasn't to go to dinner with them, I said that was fine, and asked if I should just meet him at the show later on (at this point, I was still not upset).

 

He said "yea, like I said yesterday, just stop by. Bring a friend with u so u guys can get dinner before or after bc otherwise there would be no point for u to come all the way out here by yourself and pay for parking for a couple minutes. I mean I wouldn't do that if I were u haha." (it's about a 20 minute drive by the way)

 

At this point, I got a little annoyed. I mean, I heard him the first 2 times he told me to only stay a couple minute - why does he keep repeating it? He's the one who invited me initially, I didn't invite myself. He sure sounds like he doesn't want me there, right?

 

So I responded: Ok I'll c if a friend can come. Thats fine, I won't stay long lol. I can make the next one if its inconvenient

 

Him: No no im not trying to discourage you. I can see how it sounded like that. I don't mind if you hang out for a little

Me: I'll let u know about it tomorrow

Him: Are we cool though?

I didn't respond for an hour and he texted again:

Him: =(

Me: yes we're cool. I'll c if a friend can make it

Him: Ok, I hope one is.

 

Is this guy just socially inept? Why is he so adamant about me not staying? I'm not stupid, I heard and accepted his initial explanation that the space was small. So why keep repeating it? I've decided I'm not going to the show, but what should I tell him tomorrow? And am I right to be upset?

[jenny_mcs]

I can see both sides of this. On one hand, if I were you, I would definitely be a bit annoyed. It's like enough already, I get that it's small space and there isn't room to stand around and chat. GOT IT!

 

But...I honestly think he is just trying (in a bumbling way) to make sure you know the situation, and make sure you know it's a small space and he won't have a lot of attention to give to you. I think he's nervous about it.

 

I agree with your approach. I would just tell him that you couldn't make it, given the circumstances, and looked forward to his next show. Don't hold on to any resentment, I think it was just an awkwardness is communication, and by him down-playing and qualifying the situation (over and over) he's made it a little awkward to attend.

[starrynightz45]

I can see both sides of this. On one hand, if I were you, I would definitely be a bit annoyed. It's like enough already, I get that it's small space and there isn't room to stand around and chat. GOT IT!

 

But...I honestly think he is just trying (in a bumbling way) to make sure you know the situation, and make sure you know it's a small space and he won't have a lot of attention to give to you. I think he's nervous about it.

 

I agree with your approach. I would just tell him that you couldn't make it, given the circumstances, and looked forward to his next show. Don't hold on to any resentment, I think it was just an awkwardness is communication, and by him down-playing and qualifying the situation (over and over) he's made it a little awkward to attend.

 

I agree, what you said makes sense. Which is kind of why I say he seems to have trouble wording things in a friendlier/more inviting way.

 

The thing is, it's not really your typical 4th date scenario - we go to the same grad school and have been friends for almost a year. So, I'm not really sure what to tell him about my decision not to go tomorrow. Any help anyone?

[Heather Dawn]

I'm an artist - though I have a professional "day job." And I've dated artists. We/they are all crazy. Don't take it personally. The fact that he texted you a sad face means he really was thinking of you and hoping he didn't offend you. If he wasn't interested, he wouldn't care.

[nutbrownhare]

Is this guy just socially inept? Why is he so adamant about me not staying? I'm not stupid, I heard and accepted his initial explanation that the space was small. So why keep repeating it? I've decided I'm not going to the show, but what should I tell him tomorrow? And am I right to be upset?

I'm an artist, and I've had a few solo shows in my time. Having your work out there can be very vulnerable-making, and private views can be very stressful. There are often people you're effectively obliged to network with for professional reasons, and, a bit like being a party host/ess, you need to make sure you've talked to everybody. Having someone around who you need to take care of personally adds enormously to the pressure, and it's much easier just to host at your own preview alone. His only experience of you at a show is chatting to you personally, by the sound of it, and that's something he just won't have time to do. At the same time, he's wanting you to bring a friend so you WON'T be bored and lonely.

 

Rather than have you attend, and then feel offended or upset because of his lack of attention, he's trying to prepare you in advance. He's reiterated it because he feels stressed about the whole thing. He's probably gone over his preview list six times, checked the website umpteen times, stressed about publicity - all the other things you do again and again when you've got something stressful but essential coming up.

 

Don't take it personally. He's just stressing. I've found that artists tend to march to a different beat to the rest of society, and that's why we tend to withdraw into the company of our own kind - people who won't take it personally because they're just as barking mad themselves!

 

If you don't go to the show, make sure it's not because you're sulking about it.

[starrynightz45]

UPDATE

Well, I sent him a text saying I had other plans and wouldn't be making it.

 

Him: Ok well if your plans fall through you could always stop by for a bit if you want.

Me: Oh well thank you but honestly I was kind of unsure whether it was really ok for me to come or not. Plus with all the driving/parking etc I think I'll just try to make it to the next one. But good luck and let me know how it goes.

Him: I'm sorry about that my fault. Oh of course it is. But I was just trying to give you an idea of the scenario. Yea thats what I was trying to get at. So up to you. I will thanks.

 

....?

[starrynightz45]

Good lord. I'm about ready to throw my phone off a cliff, lol. NOW he won't stop texting and keeps suggesting that I stop by. What the hell!!??

 

Him: It's pretty quiet here right now, just a few people walking around.

Me: Hmm makes sense, it just started. It will probably get busier in a few hours.

Him: Yea so now would be a good time if you're still thinking about stopping by. I also have a fun story to tell you later.

 

*Throwing phone off cliff*