Too scared to break up!!?

[SullyO]

Well, I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and love him very much. He is my best friend and I tell him everything. But lately I've been feeling like I want to break it off, for a few reasons. We are in a long distance relationship and he never comes when he says he will. He says he swears he will come on a certain weekend, then he says he can't like 3 days before, or like last weekend he told me he wasn't coming on the morning he was supposed to fly in! If he is not going to come, I wish he would just be upfront and not get my hopes up. It breaks my heart every time and I feel like he doesn't care about me. He has also done stuff with another girl about a year ago but cried and felt horrible about it, swearing to never make that mistake again. I haven't seen him in 3 months and feel like I need and deserve someone who wants to see me and be with me. I know he loves me a lot though. I guess my real question is, how do I break up with someone I love so much? I am petrified of not having him there when I need him and don't know how or if I will be able to deal with NC. Any advice would be appreciated, I'm scared!

[arwen]

Hey sully,

 

I feel for you. This is not easy. I think what you call reasons to break up, are in fact reasons to have a Big Relationship Talk. Also difficult, but still. You still feel he loves you. You love him. Breaking up might be very difficult.

 

However, him not coming to see you when you were supposed to is really a bad thing in LDR. How far are you guys apart? Why don't you go and see him? (I am in an LDR as well, just read some of the topics there, you will find people with similar difficulties).

 

Does he stay in touch with you tough?

 

Just bring the issue up with him. If there is no change, it might be wise to get out before it will turn you bitter about it.

 

good luck,

 

Ilse.

[SullyO]

Thats the thing. Ive told him time and time again that I can't do it anymore...after every time he does this. But I think he has come to the conclusion that my threats are hollow. Yeah, we talk for hours a day on the internet (we don't have an internet relationship, we just talk on there while he is a work). He lives in KY and I live in Texas, so I understand it costs like $300 every time to fly here or me there, (I visited him the last time) and that isn't pocket change... but I just wish he wouldn't promise stuff and then fall through. Another big thing is that he is leaving for Korea in like 9 months b/c he is in the army... and I feel like he should want to see me as much as possible (which is like once every few months) before going since we wont see each other for at least a year. I just don't know how I'll get through it or what to do..

[arwen]

ooo that's tough on both of you. You might find it useful to check out the Long Distance thread here... a lot of members have bf's in the army there.

 

It might be that in the army there can be sudden circumstances why he can't see you. What are his usual excuses?

 

The fact that you are in touch everyday is still a good sign, I think. But the fact that you are unhappy in the situation is more important here. Maybe a break up would be more like a wake up. You are right, if you threaten him and don't keep to your ultimatums, he doesn't learn for real that you mean it.

 

It's harsh, but breaking up might be an idea... still put talking first.

 

Ilse.

[dontknowwhattodo]

Hi there, sorry to be blunt but for those broken promises, it seemed to me that he didn't plan to come see you at all. I don't believe that he would back off at the last minute if he had planned to come see you. Coming from NYC to Texas involved making a plan, buying tickets, etc., and I think nobody would break the arrangment at the last minute. After all, it would cost money and energy to have to deal with the unused tickets, if in fact, he bought ones.

 

I have been there and done that. I dealt with the broken promises of my ex-bf and I know how you feel. Every time the plan didn't come true, I was devastated. I think you will be better off with someone who respects you.

 

Take care.

[SullyO]

A couple of times its "army stuff" that are reasons why he can't come... but sometimes I wonder if he makes them up, because he knows I wouldn't know any better. How do I go about NC in a break? I have brought it up before but I know it will be killing me not to talk to him for even a short amount of time, and he begs me not to "leave him." I mean I'm in college and there are lots of things I could go out and do and a lot of interested guys, but I am not even remotely interested in them... he is still always in the front of my mind... and I feel like I need to just talk to him, but I want him to know I'm serious about not being able to take this anymore, because it kills me every time. thanks for your replies Ilse.

[arwen]

hey sully,

 

For your own sake it might be better to do the NC. But as far as I can tell you have conflicting thoughts:

 

1. you love him and you know he loves you

2. you have the feeling that he makes up reasons

 

Well, I recognise that from before I went to see my bf. We are only together for 4 months now, but he visited me twice, and I went to visit him there last week for the first time. Before that, I didn't know that actually it IS difficult for him to go online. I trusted him and I was right in doing so. Still, of course the thought went through my mind as well some times.

 

He begs you not to leave him. Still you have to put up with a lot. Just say to him that you find this a difficult and confusing combination. If you break up, delete and block him for a while on msn. Just for your own good, I think.

 

I have the feeling that it can still work out for you guys. Just open the conversation, and say that you will come see him if it is so difficult and he can pay for it.

 

Ilse

[SullyO]

One thing that causes me to question his reasons is the fact that he did stuff with that other girl... I just can't seem to fully trust him. I forgive him, but still have questioning thoughts. If we go on a "break" (I still don't know for sure what I'm going to do) but how do I fight the temptation to talk to him and stuff with NC. I see everyone here is an advocate of NC, but I need tips! Thanks

[arwen]

Of course you have difficulties with trusting him now. But mind you, I think no person in his right mind would want to maintain a LDR if he didn't truly want to do so. Did he cheat on you, or was it less serious? Well, anyway it must have hurt badly.

 

Yes, going on a break might be a solution. Suggest you need some time to think things over about him and you and try to do the NC for a couple of weeks. Maybe you will feel that a weight is been lifted from your shoulders.

 

Did he always work in the army? Is he in a different position than before? Mind you, after a while of course the man takes you more for granted. Even after 4 months of relationship I can notice that with my man. It starts to bother me less, as long as we make plans for the future.

 

And: did this relationship start out as LDR or has it become an LDR after a while?

 

Well, you sound like you are doing ok, might be a good moment to sit him down and talk about what's going on in your mind.

 

Ilse.

[popo]

SullyO,

 

i've been in ur situation. my best friend told me to do NC right away but i refused coz i thought i could work it out by telling him what the issue was. and i was wrong!! i ended it with an awful break up!!

now, i apply NC and it's getting better between us. i should apply it from the beginning. so, before too late, dont contact him for awhile. it's not easy, i know it very well. but after what happened to me, i realize what my friend told me was the best way.