my daily journal

[gotexans12]

To let me get started. Please bear with me for the long story. I'm 28 years young, and she's 24 years young. We met through school. I started talking to her over last summer. She's a very beautiful woman. She has just got out of a 5 year relationship where it ended badly. Anyways, I had enough courage to ask her out. It was the best first date I ever had. We spent 3 hours talking at starbucks. I guess I fell for her that night.

 

We went out for 6 months. It started out really nicely. We did a lot of things together such as: going to church together, going to the park, movies, spending time at each other house, studying together. We share the love, deep secrets, happiness, and even tears. I was so in love with her. For the first time in my life, I could actually said that I love someone. I guess we do crazy things when we were in love. We talk about the future, engagement, even kids name, house. She told me she loved me a lot, really cared for me, loved it when I make her smile and tell her that she's beautiful, when i put my arms around her, when we kiss. She even told me I was her best boyfriend noted that she has been in a 5 year and 2 year relationship prior to meeting me. SHe would always told me that her past boyfriends were really a--holes. At first she told me I wasn't her type but she wanted to try something new. She told me I was cute, nice, caring, sweet, loving.

 

Needless to say, I broke up with her when we barely went out because I felt that the feelings weren't mutual. I know she is shy, but I just felt that I did a lot more things for her and care a lot more than her. So she cried in which I felted really bad so I drove to her house to apologize and comfort her. She did something after that that broke my trust. She was sexting with another guy which I found out. SHe wanted to break up with me, but I loved her so much I wanted to take her back. The reason why I could never really trust her was because she did that right after I apologize to her and that we went to church together. I figure going to church together meant something.

 

I did everything for this girl. I would drive at night all the way to her house and buy her soup and spend time with her on the couch when she was sick. I would put her before my school work. I remember one time I was failing class. I only had 2 days before the next exam. She was sick thorwing up on the bed. I initially only wanted to stay a few hours to take care of her. I wanted to pass because it was the last semester of nursing. However, she told me to stay in which I ended up staying till 9 pm and drove home. I was always there for her.

 

WE ended up having a lot of fights. She broke up with me because I told her to be careful with one of her friends. I told her that her friend was a fake and that she has bad morals and values. She broke up with me. The thing that upset me was she showed my texts to her to her whole family. I tend to say things I don't mean when I'm in the heat of an argument. They think that I'm some type of insincere person pretending to be only nice infront of them, but really just putting up a nice facade.

 

I wrote letters, called, text, came to her house. I can't believe how she moved on so fast. The thing that I couldn't understand was that I came to her house to see her and talk to her for like an 2 hours. I gave her a handshake before I left. she told me is that how we going to be like now. So i ask her to give me a hug instead. She gave me a really long hug and put her head on my shoulders. I thought that everythign was fine. 2 days later I called her and she tells me she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

 

I know that she has anxiety problems and bipolar, but it never manifested when we were together. May be it did but I couldn't catch the signs.

 

Its been 14 days of no contact now. I dont understand how she could just drop all her feelings. I don't want to live in denial. I constantly sit down and think to myself did she ever meant the things she told me . There are some bad and good days. My friends try to hook me up with their friends, but I just don't find the chemistry. Me and my ex share a tight bond. We could basically talk about anything. I see her at school. Sometime she would stand right infront of me and ignore me as if I wasn't even there. She would talk to other people though. I felt really bad when that happen. Today is my graduation and I don't even want to go. I have to sit right next to her for the whole 3 hours.

 

I've been depress lately. My aunt pass away because she fail. It caused increase intracranial pressure in which a craniotomy had to be done. Then my dog pass away. THen my gf left me. My life hasn't been heading in the right direction. I know I'm graduating, but she doesn't even congratulate me or even text me to see if I'm doing fine. I did everything for her when she was sick. She know that I was sick but didn't even bother to ask me. I just miss her so much. I want to break NC but it has been 2 weeks already.

[Lawhead]

I'm really sorry to hear about this. My ex was shy as well and I warned her about her friends at times(none of them can maintain a relationship and have serious issues when it comes to needing male attention). To that extent, any argument is best won through action. You'll only ever come accross as controlling when you say these things. You have to accept that these friendships are a risk to the relationship and if this person doesn't see that yet then one day it will hit them like a tonne of bricks and they'll be aware of the behavior themselves.

 

I'm sorry she's moving on so fast. This says nothing about you. She's still very young and considering she's had a 5 year relationship prior to this it sounds to me like she just isn't ready to give up the buzz you get from meeting a new person yet. Personally I find that mentality weak as having a life partner is definitely better than chasing the buzz of a new relationship. As much as you care for her only time will teach this girl.

 

The depression will lift. At 28 I'm sure you'll have been depressed before and you know deep down that this will pass and something better will come along when you least expect it.

 

She was with you for 5 years so no matter what happens now just know that she definitely loved you and you will therefore be loved again. Perhaps one day by her and perhaps by someone else. At 28 there's still plenty of opportunities in life.

 

Patience is your friend right now. Better yourself and I promise better things (which may include her) will eventually come your way.

[Lawhead]

Oh, and congrats on graduating

[gotexans12]

Thank you Lawhead. I was with her 6 months but we know each other before that. She told me I was her best bf because she know I cared for her, love her, and did all the small things. It's sad that I probably won't ever see her again after today. Today we are graduating. She use to come over here every weekend or every other day.

[Lawhead]

ahh, i miss-read that. I'm sorry your relationship's over. It's definitely harder when you know the person beforehand as well. It'll be rough for a while and the fact you still see her around won't help. It's a shame she isn't being more sensitive about it but you've just got to start thinking about the opportunities that you have with graduating!