jbdk Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 So I've been dating this girl for several months now after we had met on a job last year. We had a romantic connection and kept in touch, which ultimately led to the relationship I am now in. It turned long distance with the plan to eventually be together (if I had a nickel for every time, right?), but at the moment it has been nearly 3 months since we've seen each other in real life, which has been a difficult roller coaster. The issue is that I have recently purchased expensive airfare to see her overseas (not a surprise, something both of us have agreed upon and were very excited about), but now I'm starting to have second thoughts. She has seemed to grow increasingly cold toward me emotionally. We are both quite sarcastic and sardonic people, which is what led to the initial attraction, but whenever I try to show affection, tell her how I feel, or give her compliments, I receive biting sarcasm back at me like she can't accept that. It's a stab every time. I've communicated my feelings about this to her on several occasions. She assures me that she loves me and doesn't mean to hurt me, but she doesn't find it necessary to repeat her feelings to me time-after-time. We only are in contact once or twice a day online or sometimes over the phone/Skype, so I know I'm not drowning her with "I love you"s etc (plus I really don't use it very often anyway). I want to feel that closeness with her, and that seems to be the only way to show it while being so far away. She confided in me a history of sexual abuse and lack of affection as a child from her parents--they never once said they love her. Also, her culture is notoriously "tough". I try to understand these issues from her past and consider them highly in this behavior, but I can't help but think it's something inherent in our relationship. Like I've said, I've tried communicating this and I've been growing weary for quite some time. I've committed to visiting her, which was not a desperate attempt to fix a relationship, but to actually see each other for love. Now, things seem so insecure and awry that I'm actually considering not spending these few weeks with her. Either way, whether it is my own irrational paranoia or the legitimate state of our relationship, I feel like I'm being torn apart on the inside and don't know what's really happening. Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 Since you've bought the tickets, go. Once you see her, you will know if you want to spend the holiday with her. Before you go, do some research on what else is around, should you decide that the relationship isn't worth trying to maintain -- and call it a vacation. Link to comment
happyfrank Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 She must really like you to open up to you. She had it really hard growing up and doesn't know how to express love how other people show it. . She loves you. You should see her... Enjoy the trip.. Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 She must really like you to open up to you. She had it really hard growing up and doesn't know how to express love how other people show it. . She loves you. You should see her... Enjoy the trip.. i totally agree!! with her past and upbringing it is very hard and uncomfortable to show emotions and affection, i know, my BF is the same way, but she opened up to you about it and now you start to doubt her and tell her you don't like this behavior, i don't think that is fair to her, puts a lot of pressure on her and she probably now feels not good enough or critized and that is why she withdraws more... you two need to spend time together and then you will see and know.... i think you have nothing to worry about! LDR's are hard that way, but once you see her i think all will be fine.....enjoy it! and cut her some slack, read up about this stuff, abuse and neglect, not getting love from parents is like not getting a basic need, so that affects a person, educate yourself on that!! very important! Link to comment
je55ie Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 Look up love languages, I think there may even be a piece about them on this site. It sounds like you like to show your love with words. "Words of affirmation" is the official term. Use this trip as an opportunity to discover her love language. I don't show my love with words at all, I use physical touch. Not an easy one in a LDR! But there are others, my partner likes to do nice things for me; acts of service. It used to drive me nuts when my partner wouldn't touch me, I felt unloved, just like you do now. But when I found out what his language is, well, I feel the love every time he does something nice for me. Link to comment
jbdk Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 Thanks guys. All of these comments have been really helpful. I'm going to check out these things. I think the real problem is just not seeing each other for so long, and the only way I personally feel that I can show her my love is with words. When we are together everything is great and all our affection comes naturally (very few words at all, honestly). But does anyone have any links about abuse or 'love languages' to point me in the right direction? Thanks again! Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Link to comment
je55ie Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 Attachment theory may be helpful to read about as well. It proposes we all have different attachment styles; ways we form attachments to our loves ones, based on how we were attached to our parents. I don't know that parents have as much of an impact on out attachment behaviors, but the proposed attachment styles ring true to me and have helped me understand the different ways people behave in different relationships. link removed Link to comment
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