The first time I will be the one dumping someone.

[Moontiger]

This is really more of a vent then me seeking advice but if anyone has any thoughts or input they are more then welcomed.

 

My BF and I have been together for a year and a half and in the time he has had a job that he hates. He complains about it all the time and it makes his depression worse. During the coarse of out relationship I have tried to encourage him as best I can. Offered advice when he has asked for it, even sent him job openings I thought he would be interested in. All to no avail. He just seems to be completely uninterested in fixing this.

 

Throughout the time we have been together I have periodically gotten annoyed with him because of this. I tried to hid it though. Not wanting to take out my bad mood on him or cause a stupid fight. It was so weird, every time I would get annoyed suddenly he would be telling me about five jobs he had applied to that day.#sarcasm So I would calm down and things would cycle again, and again. He would talk about how depressed he was but refused to get back into therapy, he would talk about how much he hated his job but only when I was annoyed would he apply to any, he wouldn't look into volunteer work, and he talked about going back to school but again made zero progress in that direction.

 

So what has changed? Why I am ready to call it off now after all this time? Well, he got a job interview. He got a call back after the first interview and they are going to be calling him next week to let him know if he got it or not. This job would pay more and he would have the ability to move up in the company something that isn't an option for him at his current job. Its not his dream job (god knows what that is) but its something new, something that could be a spring board for him to something he would like doing. What's the problem? He is going to turn it down if he is offered it.

 

I was just talking to him minuets ago when he told me this. I asked him why he would turn it down and I could almost hear the shrug of his shoulders over the phone as he said, "I just wouldn't like doing it." I responded, "You hate what you are going now. So he can hate what you do and get paid less or get paid more." He just kept talking about how its not what he wants. I finally said, "Ok, well do whatever you think is right."

 

I am tired of the pity party. I am tired of him doing nothing to improve the parts of his life he doesn't like. I am tired of always being so damn supportive and seeing nothing change.

 

AND to top it off, we went through a, 4-6 month dry spell. I mean literally NOTHING sexual happening between us. I would try, he would not be interested. Yet tell me all the time how sexy I am and grabbing my rear. We are now in a two month dry spell that shows no sign of stopping.

 

I have to take some time to figure out what I am going to say him. I told him I was going to spend the evening alone (we usually spend it together) because I have a lot of reading to do for class which is true. But I also just don't want to see him right now.

 

I keep giving him chances and I just can't do it anymore.

[Tha]

Nice vent.

 

Bottom line of what I am getting is that this person is very negative and hates everything. Nothing is satisfactory. How can this person appreciate you and see you as worthwhile if he thinks everything is ****. There are people out there that would be happy in their lives just by having you around.. that is reality.

 

I get the feeling that this guy has A LOT of growing up to do, you should feel very pleased with yourself for realizing you can do better, and are worth more.

 

And the no sex-- I am sure if he wanted to have sex you would be doing it all the time, he cares about when he wants it and that is it. Very selfish. All you have been doing is hanging around being a person that this guy unloads all his hate on.

 

Make sure you arrange everything so there is a clean break, and leave. Don't give him the chance discuss any of it with you.

You sound like a really nice person, you supporting him all this time is really really kind of you, but it so isn't fair. Good luck x

[Moontiger]

That the thing that has been so hard about this (and something I am just realizing as I type this), he is very good at hiding how negative he is. The job he has is as a retail sales person...and he is 30 with a master's degree. When we first meet and we had talked a lot I said to myself, "This guys is employed. He's not afraid to take the crappy job while he looks for something else. That's really good." Now I see that he just has no will or ambition to move forward in his life.

 

As for the sex thing, there are a number of factors to that. One his his depression and the other is his medication which effect his ability to get an anything going. But again, he simply refuses to do anything different. He won't go back to therapy so there is no hope of finding anything different he can do.

 

I don't want to hurt him. He can very sweet and caring, like when I was having a bad day and he showed up at my place with my favorite ice cream. But I just can't take it anymore. I recently asked him to get some of his stuff that had been sitting around my apartment out. He still has a bunch of stuff here and with no car it would take him several trips to get all of it out. Not sure how to handle that.

[El3216]

I can relate to your boyfriend. I did the same thing.. But with my physical appearance. I complained to my ex daily about how I gained all this weight and how sad I was about it. I NEVER. Followed through with working out and actually got bigger. I gained 50 lbs in 3 years with her. We too stopped having sex and I would get mad.

 

My point: he stumped me ( not specifically because of my self confidence and not doing anything about my problem) though I think it weighed in on it.

 

Since she dumped me I have worked out everyday and have changed my diet. I'm down 22 pounds and counting. I am wearing jeans I haven't been able to wear in a year. I still have alot to work on.

 

Maybe you should breaknupneith him. Be honest and give il the cold hard truth.

 

I would love to have another chance with my ex. I know I'm bettering my chances by bettering myself.

 

If he loves you he will change when he gets his wake up call like I have!

 

I hope this helps

[Moontiger]

Go you for your self improvement! May I ask, did you know before she broke up with you how much your relationship was being effected? I think my Bf senses.

[journeynow]

A year and a half—seems a reasonable time to assess the relationship and decide whether it is what you want. Can you tell him that you don't see the relationship going any further, and it's time to go separate ways? Or (as some people say, although I don't like the expression), that the relationship has run its course? Or you don't feel you're compatible long-term? (How compatible are 2 people if you have different sex drives, different outlooks on life and work, very different levels of motivation and optimism?)

[Moontiger]

A year and a half—seems a reasonable time to assess the relationship and decide whether it is what you want. Can you tell him that you don't see the relationship going any further, and it's time to go separate ways? Or (as some people say, although I don't like the expression), that the relationship has run its course? Or you don't feel you're compatible long-term? (How compatible are your if you have different sex drives, different outlooks on life and work, very different levels of motivation and optimism?)

 

I think you just summarized my entire crazy post in one sentence. I was think of phrasing it like you have in this post, that I don't see thing going anywhere long term and for sometime I have felt as though we are friends but nothing beyond that.

[El3216]

Go you for your self improvement! May I ask, did you know before she broke up with you how much your relationship was being effected? I think my Bf senses.

I knew that things weren't right... But in the heat of battle I was stubborn and convinced myself it was her fault. I was stubborn and she would cry and I would think she was being irrational. My biggest fault. I am so regretful of my hinde sight. I love her to death and can only let her go and prepare to accept what has happened and have no expectations reconciliation. I'm not putting her on a pedestal but she is a great girl and she was dragged down by my negativity.

[Moontiger]

I knew that things weren't right... But in the heat of battle I was stubborn and convinced myself it was her fault. I was stubborn and she would cry and I would think she was being irrational. My biggest fault. I am so regretful of my hinde sight. I love her to death and can only let her go and prepare to accept what has happened and have no expectations reconciliation. I'm not putting her on a pedestal but she is a great girl and she was dragged down by my negativity.

 

See, my BF and I don't fight. I have never cried about any of this. Never argued with him. Just tried to be supportive and understanding but I am pulling away from him.

[Tha]

Have you made the choice/commitment to ending this?? Like this is 100% what is happening you just are trying to work out the best way to break it off? Or is there still a chance of things getting resolved between you two?

 

On one hand it seems like he needs to get over the fact that life isn't easy and start dealing with problems.

On the other, it is very easy for things to drag us down when life is hard. My masters and phd were the hardest things I had ever done, and I would be crushed not to get work that reflected the effort I had put in.

 

Sometimes I think depression is very symptomatic of societal problems, and things we can't control. We don't always get the chance to see the good things in life, and when everything is negative it really does mess with our perspectives. In this respect I do feel sorry for him. sometimes things are overbearing.

 

Do you love him?

[Moontiger]

I care about him but I don't think I love him.

 

Even his Master's degree he didn't put that much work into. He managed to get out of doing a final project/thesis and took longer then most to get through the program.

 

The more I talk about the more I'm sure its what I want to do. And the more I realize how hard this will be for him.

[journeynow]

I agree with the video, come out and say "I want to break up", no song and dance, do it in a neutral place, and don't just spring it on him (out of the blue), and listen.

[Tha]

Opinions on this:

 

I guess I already broke on rule (not telling anyone) and I have no idea where else to have this talk with him aside from my apartment.

 

I think talking in your apartment would be fine... That video makes some good points. He is being dumped, there is no way he isn't going to at least initially on some level resent you for it.

[Tha]

I care about him but I don't think I love him.

 

Even his Master's degree he didn't put that much work into. He managed to get out of doing a final project/thesis and took longer then most to get through the program.

 

The more I talk about the more I'm sure its what I want to do. And the more I realize how hard this will be for him.

 

 

All the posts on here have come accross like you are pretty sure of yourself. Honestly, you should feel good about that. Unfortunately, this is just something that he is going to have to deal with, it wont be easy, but it will be a lesson for him. I do think you need to stop worrying about how he will take it... this isn't your fault, and his issues really aren't your problem anymore.

 

Do you two live together?

[Moontiger]

No, we each have our own place. But he does have a lot of stuff here.

[Tha]

No, we each have our own place. But he does have a lot of stuff here.

 

 

Whats the problem then, him getting his stuff to his own house??

I am sure he'll manage.

[Moontiger]

Whats the problem then, him getting his stuff to his own house??

I am sure he'll manage.

 

He doesn't have a car....

[Tha]

ohhh. Anyone that could help him??

[Moontiger]

ohhh. Anyone that could help him??

 

Maybe his sister but she has three kids. Other then that I'm not sure.

[Tha]

Is this something that might stop you going through with it or??

[Ms Darcy]

I think the biggest disservice you have done to the relationship is not to have mention how unhappy you have been. To be in it and silent is deadly.

[Moontiger]

Oh, I mentioned it. A few months ago we a big, long, talk about everything. For a few weeks after everything was good. But now everything has gone back to the way it was before.

[SapphireNoir10]

I've been following your threads and you have had the patience of a saint and did everything you could to encourage him. It's time to walk away, you are wasting time on a relationship where you aren't madly in love, you don't have the passion and he is pulling you down.

 

Just be honest with him but not cruel when you end it.

[Moontiger]

I've been following your threads and you have had the patience of a saint and did everything you could to encourage him. It's time to walk away, you are wasting time on a relationship where you aren't madly in love, you don't have the passion and he is pulling you down.

 

Just be honest with him but not cruel when you end it.

 

Thank you. This is a pattern with me I give people chances over and over again. You would think I would have learned by now.

[Moontiger]

I feel awful. I feel like a coward.

 

I have an interview tomorrow morning so I thought it would be best to wait until after that. I just feel terrible about this. I know its the right thing to do, but I also know he will be crushed by this. As you can see from my post his life isn't the greatest and while a lot of that is on him for the choices he makes I still cannot help but feel very guilty over this. I still am not 100% sure what I am going to say to him.

 

He gets off work at 6pm tomorrow. Hopefully I can meet him some place and we can talk. I know I will cry. I know he will cry. I just wish it was possible for us to be friends after this but I know that is not at all likely.

 

How does something like this sound, "I have been feeling, for the past several months, like we are not on the same page with what we want. It's like we are friends and not BF and GF. I think we are incompatible for each other in the long run. You are a great person. Just not the person for me."