Support and advice needed. How to do no contact while still living together??

[Tha]

Hey everyone,

 

I am really struggling. I feel sick to my stomach constantly about this.

Short story- I had been with my partner 6 years, I'm 25, he is 26. I ended things two weeks ago- for good reasons.. he was out of control drugs, anger, getting arrested and so on.

We had been getting along well since, I think I felt a bit of anxiety being lifted knowing we are not together. He is waiting to find a place to move in to.

At the same time it never felt like he was going anywhere.

It has been just under two weeks of this, yesterday I found a dating site on his phone, with loads of messages back and forth. And then text messages to one girl he had met there, they had exchanged photos.

 

It felt like my heart had been ripped out, I know I ended it, but I really had no choice.. now I just feel sick. How do I not let it get to me when he is still living with me? Is there a way of doing a type of no contact while he is still here? Should I even feel sad about him already looking for someone else?

 

Please help, anyone.

[blacklantana]

You should definitely feel sad... Feel sad because you are feeling sorry for him and his actions and what he chooses to do. That instead of getting his life in order, he chooses to go onto dating sites to fill the void with fake space. Good grief... Problems are too hard and people can't handle reality, so they revert to desperation attempts at things without substance. If anything, you should feel validated that you are breaking up with a person who is still very immature. A person who can't handle things. A person who has no sense of composure or self-control. You don't need someone like that, and you have obviously realized you deserve better.

 

The 'sickness' you are feeling is moreso a 'betrayal' in a sense. It's like a, "How do you just forget about me and the 6+ years we had together and try to move on so quickly."... Regardless of if you initiated the break up, that sort of thing will hit home, as it did with you. Just try to stay logical and understand WHY he is doing that. Again, he is validating your decision to break up with him. Look at his actions and what they point to.

 

Does he not have family around? Why do you still have to live together?

[Tha]

Thank you for putting this so logically for me, when all you have is a 'feeling' logic kind of disappears. I need to try and look at this objectively. He has no family where we live, unfortunately, and is only family type relationships here are with my family. He is very close with my dad, and my dad does support my decision, but it means I have to patiently wait for him to sort somewhere else out..

[Lambert]

You need to distance yourself from him the best way you can and checking his phone is not the way to do it. Obviously he has issues and needs to get out of your place but that does take time. I would probably make an effort to be in a different room or to go out when he is home. Maybe even help him find a place.... You're going to have to be really strong to get through this. Just try to remember like the other poster said, he is not in the right place. So you can't take anything he does to heart. Good luck

[El3216]

I just battled that with my ex gf for 2 months. She moves out tomorrow. We broke up on valentines day ( I know. )

 

Luckily we had a spare bedroom with an extra bed. If you have that as an option obviously separate sleeping space. I battled for a month to get her back which I know now after joining this forum that, that was the wrong thing to do. So for the last month it's basically been Hi - Bye type contact. I basically only came home to sleep. She seemed to do the same.

 

If its just your name on the lease I'd day kick his ass out. If he's already looking for a rebound under the same roof and not trying to fix his issues to stay with you then get him out today!

 

My gf dumper me. Not for drug abuse or anything like that.. I am in no way shape or form ready to hook up with another girl. If he fan do that already then he doesn't deserve any part of you!!!

 

Sorry if my msg doesn't make sense I'm on my iPhone typing lol

[Tha]

Thanks both of you, I have been sleeping in the other room, so it is easier in that way. I just find it so overwhelming, when I see him I feel like im going to have a panic attack. Looking at his phone was stupid, but as above mentioned, it did validate the break up for me. I am sorry for what you went through e1, it is torture

[blacklantana]

Thank you for putting this so logically for me, when all you have is a 'feeling' logic kind of disappears. I need to try and look at this objectively. He has no family where we live, unfortunately, and is only family type relationships here are with my family. He is very close with my dad, and my dad does support my decision, but it means I have to patiently wait for him to sort somewhere else out..

 

Can't you live with your family and let him live alone while he 'sorts himself' out?

 

And yes, thinking objectively in these types of situations are darn near impossible. As 'Lambert' pointed out, you shouldn't have been looking through his phone in the first place. That's not a very 'objective' thing to do, in the sense that we are trying to get PAST this point in our life, not make it worse or create a fake reattachment.

 

Another option is for him to stay with your dad? I bet you he will clean up his act faster there than if he stayed with you.

[El3216]

I wonder if she ever wonders *** I'm up too. I've been aloof and very distant giving her the space she wanted.

[Tha]

Can't you live with your family and let him live alone while he 'sorts himself' out?

 

And yes, thinking objectively in these types of situations are darn near impossible. As 'Lambert' pointed out, you shouldn't have been looking through his phone in the first place. That's not a very 'objective' thing to do, in the sense that we are trying to get PAST this point in our life, not make it worse or create a fake reattachment.

 

Another option is for him to stay with your dad? I bet you he will clean up his act faster there than if he stayed with you.

 

It was really strange, I had been repressing the urge to look, and then I woke up in the middle of the night and did it while I was half asleep :s. It is so hard to ignore all the feelings even when I really want to.

 

I was thinking of booking a holiday, taking time off work, and going away for a few weeks and just telling my dad he needs to be moved out by then? That way dad can go there and help him move and it avoids any conflict. I would stay with my family but I need to be near the uni for work, I thought if I take time off I may as well go away properly.

[Tha]

I wonder if she ever wonders *** I'm up too. I've been aloof and very distant giving her the space she wanted.

She probably wonders, I think everyone does. It is more about how much they care. They will def care at some point though, I would think.

[blacklantana]

I wonder if she ever wonders *** I'm up too. I've been aloof and very distant giving her the space she wanted.

 

Course she does, but that shouldn't matter. It's literally impossible to forget about someone you were that involved with. It's like trying to remember someone you never met, lol

[blacklantana]

It was really strange, I had been repressing the urge to look, and then I woke up in the middle of the night and did it while I was half asleep It is so hard to ignore all the feelings even when I really want to.

 

meh, it happens. live and learn, as long as you apply it to your future

 

I was thinking of booking a holiday, taking time off work, and going away for a few weeks and just telling my dad he needs to be moved out by then? That way dad can go there and help him move and it avoids any conflict. I would stay with my family but I need to be near the uni for work, I thought if I take time off I may as well go away properly.

 

will your dad be ok with that? sounds good n' all, but usually these things tend to get a little messy.

[Tha]

Yeah, exactly, I'll do my best. Yeah dad wont mind, they are friends, and if anything I just see my ex as sulking while leaving then getting angry later.. I guess time will tell.

[blacklantana]

Yeah, exactly, I'll do my best. Yeah dad wont mind, they are friends, and if anything I just see my ex as sulking while leaving then getting angry later.. I guess time will tell.

 

and when time does 'tell', come back and 'tell' us how everything went. give us some progression statements

[Tha]

Haha I will, a resolved thread would be refreshing! Thank you blacklantana- really

[blacklantana]

Haha I will, a resolved thread would be refreshing! Thank you blacklantana- really

 

no prob. just doing my job

[Strung_Out00]

I wonder if she ever wonders *** I'm up too. I've been aloof and very distant giving her the space she wanted.

 

I did the same thing and it really doesn't matter if they wonder what you are up to. Just keep doing what you are doing. Bow out gracefully. Handle the breakup with class and give her what she wanted: A life without you in it. I really loved my ex and loved her enough to grant her wishes, no matter how badly it hurt me. But not reaching out to her has made it MUCH easier to move on.