Unhappily Married

[Sugar]

I'm 23, and have been married for almost three years, and been together 6years since I was 17.5yrs. At the time I was going through a rough patch living at home, and we just hit it off and he gave me an escape and he loved me, which I didn't feel from anyone else in my life. We had a child together after 2years, and we were so close and in love. We then married a year later, it just seemed the right thing to do, we had a child, and we owned a house, marriage was kinda the only thing left that we'd not done. A year later we were expecting another baby, and things seemed fine between us. A year on, things are rocky, and to be honest I think the main thing that keeps me here is cause I'm scared of being on my own with two children and never finding anyone else. I've been unfaithful whilst in the relationship, I've never had sex with anyone else, just kissing, and it all stopped when we got married, I felt really happy. Two years after we married I ended up kissing someone else, a close male friend, and things were rocky at home and it just happened as theres always been some sexual chemistry. I regretted it, as I don't want my marriage to end due to infidelity. Our life has become so monotonous. We do have a sexual relationship, and I do love him very much, but I do not think I am in love with him the way I should be. At 23 I am regretting a lot of things, and it is not that I just want a free ticket to play around, more like some space. I used to miss my husband intently when he was at work, and I now enjoy my own company. We are best friends, and I could tell him anything, and I do feel like he is my 'soul mate' but not necessarily the man I am supposed to be in love with for the rest of my life. I'm staying put for now because of the children, but because I am unhappy I don't want to make my kids unhappy, and try to carry on as normal, but I do cry, and when they see me cry it is hard for them to understand why mummy is upset. People tell us we were made for eachother, but I feel like I am just going through the motions of a relationship. I know because we have children it makes things more complicated, and a lot of people would say stay together for the children, but it is hard. He was my first proper relationship, and my first sexual one, and I think I may have rushed in to early and now am trapped in a relationship that may not be going anywhere. He loves me, he really does, but I do feel guilty for even typing this because it's admitting that I probably am not in love with him as much as he is with me. I am also his first relationship, sexual too.

[sonjam]

The EXACT same thing happened to me, appart from having the kids. We met when I was 17, got married when I was 20 and were married for 3years. 7 years of my life, in all. I never cheated, was the devoted wife.. no I'm lying. I did cheat (also just kissing) once, with one of his work colleagues that came around.

 

I felt i lost a big part of my youth, felt cheated and bored. Everything was also ver monotonous. I started making friends with girls that were a bit 'wilder" and were often lured out to go to pubs with them on "ladies" nights.

 

It all ended in me asking for a divorce when I was 23 years old. I partied wildly for awhile, and got all the "everything I'm missing" bit out of my system, and then realised that love it not the "feeling" of being in love. It is finding the right person, and being content. Working on a relationship to keep it exiting is what makes a marraige work, not the feeling of being in love or not.

 

If thing are a bit boring, you are to blame in a big way, for letting it become that way. Be creative and liven things up, stop wishing out, and thinking about cheating. WORK is what makes a relationship work, it doesn't just happen.

 

Im now 32 and there is not a single day that goes by that I don't regret my decisions, after 2 x years of being "rid" of my husband and having the space I wanted, I desperately would have liked if things were different. He got married to another girl, and they are perfectly happy, it could have been me.

 

Im now happily married, with a baby too, and again, see the truth in the words that "love is not a feeling". But this time around, i make sure we have3 a bit of "spice" in our lives, and do fun things, and leave the baby at the sitter, and do stuff that couples in love do. IT HELPS. Try to save your marraige, not just for the kids, but for you. You will mature, and not want space and freedom, but will realise, what you have, you will not get better with somoene else, eventually new relationships lose their shine, and become dull, just like you think your are now.

 

Work at it and keep it together.

[guitarman]

Many people say ... that when two people had been through a lot together .... the relationship will be strong and very close .... True and not true.

 

It's true that you will feel closer to a person who you went through something together with ... because you can really see it literally that this person is one who is really there for you.

 

However, people who can perform really well during tough times does not mean they can perform equally well when times are good. Hence a "Hero" who always protects us from trouble does not mean he is a good "Lover" at happy times. If you need a "Hero" all the time, then would you want to be in trouble all the time as well?

 

The best relationship always births from two positive, confident, independent and trustworthy figure coming together. Its never two Halfs coming to be one whole .... it's always two whole persons coming together.

 

My point is .... you need to learn to do things which are positive, which add a little spice to life. You must remember ... when we get old ... we are not going to remember our life on how many hours we work a day or how many bottles of milk we feed our babies. We will remember the happy moments ... times spent together with loved ones and the glorious moments of achievements.

 

Similarly, you need to create memorable moments together with your family .... positive and happy ones. Maybe work towards a goal. Aim to save up to travel around the world .... learn SCUBA Diving ..... learn SALSA ... go for jazz concerts and musicals .... do the things you always wanted to do when you are young .... as an adult ... NOW IS the time to work towards them.

 

You got to learn how to rely on the "Lover" in him rather than the "Hero"who took you away from trouble. Because when situations turns good ... the "Hero" tends to fade away ... the "Lover" always brightens up the day whether times are good or bad.

 

You have to focus and stop thinking about cheating .... if you are having an irresistible temptation to cheat ... then I tell you what .... let the lover be your husband ....

[sonjam]

Guitarman, you verbalised EXACTLY what I was trying to say. I too, believe that two whole people can make a whole, not to halves. Sugar, you grew from being dependent on your Husbank initially "missing him when he's at work" to being able to be happy with your alone time. That does not mean you have outgrown you husband, that only means you have grown to be a whole person, not needy anymore, but that does not mean you should throw away the people who was there to help you grow, they provide the right stable, and safe environment for you to grow in, keep them in your life to stay there and provide you with the security you need.

I used to miss my husband intently when he was at work, and I now enjoy my own company.

 

Don't throw something away that is not broken!

[guitarman]

Yeah Sugar ... stay with your hubby ... he is the one whom you build your world with ... and the one who should stay for better or for worse.

 

But I have a question .... when you are talking about spending time with each other ..... there is a really thin line between seeing each other in a "Posessive" manner like " I can't live without you" and being too busy with each other most of the time.

 

So how would you define a healthy trend of communication?

[sonjam]

definitely an article you should read:

 

link removed

[guitarman]

Ok ... it's a cool site .... I've learnt something ...