A success story, some tips and advice

[Shake Spear]

Hello everyone

 

A couple of weeks ago, i found love again...with my ex. When we first broke up i was devastated, and i came here for help and advice, now i want to give something back, because this site helped me alot in my time of need. I don't claim to be some kind of expert, but i think i learned something, and i most certainly grew as a person, so here is my story...and my advice.

 

If you came here, you like most people tried the ususal; begged, groveled, pleaded...it did not work. Then you tried the internet. There are e-books with aluring titles like; how to get your ex back in x days. They are mostly scams by b*stards who want to exploit people, i also got lured in (did not pay for them though)....Heh...i remember one of those books...written by some guy who claimed to have a PhD MD...right...so your a Medical Doctor..how does that make you an expert on relationships? Needless to say, it was a big pile of nothing. I did however find a site online maybe. I can't for the life of me remember what it was, but it really changed my perspective. It was written by some pick-up artist in his forties, but as i was reading it a light bulb appeared over my head.

 

This advice is for guys who got dumped by their girls for other reasons than some dramatic event, if you cheated, killed her cat or did something equally stupid, i am not sure this is useful. Also, i won't sugarcoat it; there is no quick fix, you will hurt, you will feel like s*it, and it will take time. Think you can get back together in 1 month? 2 months? Forget it. Also if she is seeing someone else. Keep your mouth shut and stay away, any advances from you will backfire. Its most likely a rebound and will blow over rather quickly.

 

Phase 1: Hell (1-3 months)

So...you just got dumped. Everything seems to just flow by, food tastes like sand, nothing matters, you have this deep emptiness inside you, all you can think about is her. I've been there. I also know nothing i write and nothing anything says will help how you feel. All you can think about is how to get her back now. I am sorry to say, but that most likley won't happen. Begging her to take you back seems like the best course of action, striking while the iron is hot...well, its actually counter-productive. Also, think about it. Do you want her to be with you because she loves you, or out of pity?

 

Maybe she said something like "I love you, but i am not IN LOVE wit you". Sounds like bull? Maybe its not. Love is not an dichotomy, but rather a scale. She may still have deep feelings for you, but not enough to make her want to stay in a relationship with you. Also, this is something she has thought about for a loooong time. Just like she lost attraction to you gradually, you have to build it back gradually, and that is also why there is no quick fix

 

Do you know what women are attracted to? Tall, handsome men? Well, yes..but mostly it's behavior , and begging her to take you back is the opposite of attractive behavior in a womans eyes. The good news is; you were desirable to her once, and you can be it once more.

 

So why did she dump you then? If you were so nice to her? Chances are, when you met, you displayed attractive behavior, then gradualy you started to display unattractive behavior, which then lead her to lose attratction towards you. In retrospect, i can now see why i got dumped in the first place. I displayed alot of unattractive behavior when we were on the verge of a huge commitment (buying an apparment). She then started to worry about stuff like: Was i "the one", she got cold feet, the grass is greener syndrome etc and ran away. So what is attractive behavior, and what is unattractive?

 

Attractive: Confidence, leadership, modesty, security, independency, ambition, humor, self-assurance etc.

Unattractive: Arrogance, jealousy, insecurity, indifference, passivity, laziness, clingyness, approval seeking behavior

 

Always keep this in mind when you are interacting with her. Be positive, and try yo display attractive behavior. Now, i am not saying all women are the same, but i believe most of them share some deeply rooted evolutionary traits that helps them find a suitable mate.

 

Step 1.0: Acceptance

She is gone, and she is not coming back for a while, maybe never. I know saying this is easy, accepting it is a whole other story. Losing someone is brutal, maybe the worst emotional trauma you have ever experienced. BUT, it is not the end, even though things seems grim right now. You will feel terrible for a month, then gradually better, and in maybe 2-3 months, you feel like yourself again. Look at it as a basic human experience, something most people go through at least once in their life, a warriors wound, a battle-scar. You will get over it and you will grow stronger.

 

Also, get some perspective: Some people lose loved ones forever, some people have chronic debilitating pain and disease, people in the third world starve and die every day. By being able to read this, having an internet connection and all, you know there are people far worse of than you. Feeling bad is normal, and you should, don't supress those feelings, but embrace them, and talk with someone who has been through the same. But that being said: Lying weeks in bed with the blinds shut and vallowing in self-pity is not healthy

 

Also; DO NOT think of getting her back, as some grand quest or huge commitment, if you do that, you have already lost. Your goal should not be to get your ex back, but to conquer a girl you fancy (who just so happens to be your ex). The key is to let go. I never let go completely (obviously), but in order to win her back, you need to be able to be happy without her. The thing is, whatever you say or however how tough you act, you will reek of neediness, and that thing repels women like nothing else

 

I got back together with my ex after 13 months. For the first couple of months, it was a rough ride, then it got better, and after maybe 6-7 months i was over her. Then 10 months post-BU, i met her again in person, we lived in different cities and hadn't seen each other in almost 6 months. The day ended with us kissing passionately on a park bench the day after i had been a big jerk (read below)

 

Anyways; for now, you must accept she is gone, and look forward. She is not the only one out there. I know this is not want you want to hear, but believe me, she isn't. I may also sound like a huge hypocrite now, but i was actually "over her", long before we got back together. Go out, flirt, date, engage in casual sex; its the best cure for getting over someone. The harsh truth is; she is or she will do the same, so don't sit home and mope and think about her. If you think you can't be happy again without her, you are not ready to win her back, heck, you are not even ready to talk to her.

 

Getting her back should not be your romantic priority. Right now, she is Mt Everest and you are not fit to go there. You need to look at her as any other mountain you want to climb, (yes in this analogy women are mountains), but right now your leg is broken and you need time to heal. Anyways, the point of all this nonsense, is to paint a picture where your ex is not the most important thing in the world, but rather a girl you really like, and someone you might want to get together with some day.

 

1.1 The first thing you must do....:

 

....Is tell her you accept it. Tell her something like:

 

"I realize now i was wrong to act so crazy (if you did beg her to take you back), i will really miss you, but i also want you to be happy, so maybe this is for the best. I also think it is best if we don't talk for a while". So even if you acted like a tool, you can save yourself

 

I said something like this, and later that day she confessed it made her more unsure about the BU. Sounds stupid but it is 100% true. Also; don't say "i will always love you". It may sound romantic and honorable, but by saying you are implying she can have you back whenever. DON'T SAY IT !

Step 1.2 After shes gone

Take a couple of days to grieve for yourself. I spent a whole weekend drinking, smoking pot, eating junk, partying and playing video games with my friends. Maybe not the most healthy weekend, but it sure helped alot. It's is only temporary though, and the feeling won't go away just like that. Just dont be alone the first couple of days.

 

 

Step 1.3 No contact

Yes, you could see this coming, and i won't say anyting that hasn't already been said. Do it, and stick to it. Some will claim its some magic fix that will bring her back, and it maybe it will when, but in most cases it won't. The reason for no conact is simple: It will force her to miss you, you will heal faster, and you won't have the chance to say something stupid. Do it for atleast 1-3 months. If she contacts you in that time; respond, but keep it short and simple, try to hint that you don't want to talk without being rude. If shes giving you breadcrumbs, tell her kindly to p*ss off. She dumped you, and she has no right to string you along.

 

There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule. DO NOT contact her, delete all her contact info, hide everything that reminds you of her and don't think about her. When i first got dumped, i had no idea what to do, luckily, i found some good advice (this) and stuck to it. At times you will feel an overwhelming urge to contact her, but don't do it. If you are the kind of person who drunk dials/texts, don't drink, and give your phone to someone else. Suddenly after a couple of drinks, calling her to "see what shes up too" might seem like the best idea ever, but you will only look like a baffoon. Think of it like this: This "project" is like a game of poker, and in the NC period, you only get dealt crap cards, so do you make a bet and call her, or do you sit out and keep your mouth shut?

 

The harsh reality is, she is most likely seeing someone, or casually sleeping with someone. You might panic and think if you just sit idly by, you will lose her to this other guy, but the truth is the complete opposite. You interacting will only drive her away and towards him. Also keep in mind that her dumping you was not an easy choice, and probably something she had thought about for a long time. Which means you "being there" is not only a bad idea, it is also very selfish

 

The other scenario is that she gives real hints towards reconciliation, you might feel like you've "won", but be careful, there are lot of questions to be asked. Is she serious? Is this really what she wants? Have anything changed? Can we resolve whatever problems we had? In this case, you have to handle it like adults and really talk things through. I've actually seen this kind of "mini-BU" twice and one of them worked out after they cleared the air and talked things through.

 

Phase II: Re-building (3-8 months)

Before we start here, ask yourself these questions.

 

1. Can you imagine being happy again without her?

2. Are you willing to risk rejection and pain to get her back?

3. Is your ex the only one for you, or is she just a desirable girl?

4. Can we spend a weekend alone together and still have fun and lots to talk about?

5. Are we sexually compatible?

6. Can i be 100% honest and 100% myself with her?

7. Can i trust her?

 

If the answer to those are truthfully yes, then proceed.There are no guarantees you will get back together, maybe she is seeing someone else? Loads of people say that you never should try to get back together with an ex, because they have tried and failed and it hurt them even more.

 

Step 2.0 Figure out what went wrong

This is the million dollar question, and you MUST figure out why she left you. If she just lost attraction to you, you must figure out WHY and deal with that issue. No, you can't completely change who you are, but you managed to attract her once, so going back to the person you were then should not be to hard.

 

I think in many cases relationships can change us for the worse and make us more and more unattractive for our partners. We can become lazy, apathetic, indifferent, passive. Did your ex ever ask you something and you responded: "Ummm...i don't know" without giving it much thought? Women HATE that, they absolutely hate it. ALWAYS try to give a woman an answer, even if you have no idea what to say, and even if you know she won't like your answer.

 

Also if you became the clingy door-mat type, that let her call all the shots, its attraction killer #1. If she is the one wearing the pants and you are just tagging along, she WILL leave you. No relax gals, i am not saying men are the leaders of the household and women belong in the kitchen. Some women are really bossy, and i don't know if they test us or if its unintentional, but if she walks all over you, she will lose respect for you. I am not saying you should be a controlling jerk, but be your own man, and have some internal validation. If you don't value yourself, your opinions and wishes, she will lose attraction to you. Its the same reason why many women are drawn to masculine "bad boys".

 

Two examples:

#1 You are shopping clothes for yourself, and you find two shirts, one you like, one she likes. Pick the one you like. You are not a child, and she is not your mother, so she should not pick out your clothes.

#2 You are at a party, and she is not feeling well, then you should of course leave the party and walk home with her, even if you had a relly good time and wanted to stay.

 

Don't turn everything into some childish power struggle and don't be a belligerent jerk to prove a point or try to one up her. But at times, it is WAY better to disagree and make her mad, than to let her have her way all the time. Having personal boundaries and principles is very important

 

Maybe you were a "good" boyfriend and she still left? The sad truth is, sometimes people do stupid things and leave good relationships for the wrong reasons. Often called "The grass is greener syndrome". We humans are very fickle, we want things we can't have, and things we have, we often take for granted. Some people are worse than others, and if your ex was the type that had lots of short relationships, then reeling her back in and making her stay can be tough. I also think i todays day and age, way to many have unrealistic expectations to what a relationship should be, because media portraits it like some fairytale dream. "The perfect one" is also a stupid concept and even if people claim to not believe in it, they get subconsciously affected by it.

 

 

 

 

Step 2.1 Re-establishing contact

This is where i differ from others. If some time has passed, it is ok to talk. I did, and i am out of the doghouse. How long do you wait? Well, atleast 30 days, just to give you a number. But the key here is that you are ready, to re-initiate contact, now is not the time to take shortcuts. Also, the first times you talk should not be in person, but over the phone. Women are experts at reading body-language, and whatever you say, you will sub-communicate needy behavior.

 

The reason i think re-initiating contact is a good idea, is because i dont believe NC will bring someone back together. The only cases this will happen is, is when the dumper realizes what they missed and change their mind. In any case, i would be highly skeptical if someone just came running back after a period of NC. It either means they are very fickle, or they had little reason to dump you in the first place. Either way, i can't imagine a reconciliation like that would last long in most cases. Also, human males like all males in nature, are the one who do the courting. So from here on out, you are the one in charge.

 

If she calls first, great, if not, then send her a text. Ask how shes doing and if she wants to talk. You might think that shes forgotten all about you and is out on town drinking Cosmopolitans and getting busy, well, maybe, but she is also hurting and missing you. Do not for one second think that this is the time to win her back. Just have a friendly chat, talk about what you have been doing, ask what shes up to (but don't ask if shes seeing anyone or something like that). Short conversation 10-15 min, try to sound upbeat, and be the one to end the convo. Tell her it was nice chatting, but you have to [do stuff], and maybe you can talk some other day.

 

Maybe she said something like "i really miss you etc" and you get all excited and think she want you back. You are not thinking clearly. This is not the time to jump the gun, stay cool and let it develop naturally. It is WAY to easy to misinterpret signals and start over-analyzing everything. "OMG, she wrote GN handsome she loves me !!" or "She hasn't responded on my text, she hates me!!". Try to keep a cool head, always

 

Also, initiating contact should be like a ball you toss back and forth. If she does not initiate contact , wait 1-2 weeks before you contact her again. Do this sloooowly until you both are comfortable talking and have established some sort of friendship.

 

One more important thing: DO NOT try and play mindgames. I know this sounds stupid, me writing this whole elaborate plan and everything, but remember: Your goal is not to get your ex back, its to court a girl you find desirable. She is not your ex, she is just any other attractive woman. Now, as i said, do not play mindgames, because she is a girl and she will beat you at them. So for the love for all that is holy, don't lie to try and make her jealous, she will see right through that

 

2.2 First meet-up

When you have talked for a while and feel comfortable, ask her if she wants to hang out one day. This is not a date, suggest something non-treathening like a trip to the mall or a cup of coffee. If you ask her to spend the weekend at your parents cabin i will find you, and i will punch you on the face. If she declines, then suggest another time, if she declines again, then try again in a couple of weeks.

 

Make sure you look nice and groomed, but don't give her a date vibe so don't show up in a tux either, be casual, but clean, nice hair, trimmed nails, smell nice etc. Now on this meet-up, be as happy and positive as you can without making it seem its a charade. Good mood is contagious, and it will infect her too. Be playful and ever so slightly flirty if she seems to be ok with it. If she does something stupid, shove her and call her a dork, laugh a lot, make fun of her and pay close attention to her body language. If she seems ok with physical contact, do it!! No, don't try to kiss her, but try to mirror her and advance it in tiny, micro ant-baby steps.

 

When the "date" is over, tell her it was great seeing her and you should hang another time. I can't give a blueprint on how you should act, but try to keep cool. Just because she agreed to see you does not mean she wants you back.

 

2.3 Improve yourself

If you want to win her back, you need to change for the better. And saying you changed is not good enough, you actually have to improve to impress her.

 

2.3.1: Get to the gym: Do it, no excuses, i don't care if you think you look like Adonis or if your horribly unfit, just do it. Working out will release endorphins making you feel better, you will look better, and by looking better you will get more confidence. And there are hot chicks in thighs at the gym, which will help you forget about your ex. The gym is a magical place.

 

2.3.2: Work harder: Improve your grades, get a promotion, get a new job. You have more time for yourself now, so lay down some work and show the world (and your ex) you are ambitious and talented.

 

2.3.3: Fulfill you goals: Did you once tell your ex you always wanted to learn/do [xxx] but never did? I bet you did, and women hate that. Do it, and try to let her know.

 

2.3.4: Freashen up: Maybe you look nice and groomed, but if you don't, try to improve your appearance. Get an expensive haircut, then take a polaroid picture of it for future reference to cheaper hair-dressers. Get some nice new clothes, shoes, some cologne, make sure your breath smells fresh and trim your fingernails. Not just when you hang with your ex, but always.

 

2.4 Push-Pull

Some people say this is hodgepodge, but i did it, and it worked. Its two steps forward and one step back. In practice, that means, show interest, then some disinterest. Be available, then unavailable

 

I actually have a really great example of my own: Me and a bunch of guys was in another city, visiting an old friend of mine for a stag-party. My then ex lived in that city, and she REALLY wanted to meet up it seemed. We had talked about it weeks in advance and planed to meet up on a specific bar on Friday. Anyways, i blew her off, and went another place. She was absolutely furious at me, more mad than i have ever heared her, and she called me and yelled at me 3 times and sent me numerous texts. Sounds like i messed up right? Well, it wasn't really intentional, but later that night she called again, apologizing and i could hear she had been crying. That was when i knew the tables had turned and after that, she got A LOT more flirty.

 

So i acted like a jerk, and got a positive response. Why? It was because i was the arch-type "nice guy", which made me unattractive before, and by blowing her off i demonstrated that i don't need her anymore or that i won't do anything to be with her. Just ask yourself. Who is more attractive? The girl who seems slightly unavailable, or the one who is super clingy and sends you ten million texts each day?

 

 

2.5 Don't get friendzoned

This is a hard one. So you must really avoid saying stuff like: "We can just be friends", because just friends is not a place you want to be. I've seen plenty of guys, head of heels in love with some girl, who either oblivious, or exploits them because they buy them stuff. When you have re-established contact, do not be afraid to flirt or talk about sex if it feels right. You have to make sure you seem interested, without seeming too interested, its a thin line to walk, but you must walk it. If you feel you already got in the friendzone, try to flirt a little, then some more and see how she responds. You must thread carefully though.

 

 

Phase III: The Home Stretch (1-4 months)

If things are going well, sooner or later, you will start to flirt again, meet up more and things might look like they are going your way. Be wary though, you don't want to mess up right before the finish

 

 

3.1 The "dates"

If she takes initative to meet up, great ! It means she likes spending time with you, just make sure you keep it "flirty" so you don't end up in the friendzone. If not (like in my case), you have to be the one making the moves. Suggest stuff you know she likes, and be sure to have physical contact with her. Be fun, upbeat, playful etc. If you have met several times try and advance the physical contact a little step further each time. Like: Hug ---> Hug ---> Big hug ---> peck on the cheek --->Massage --->Kiss ---->And so forth.

This is where it differs alot from "normal" dating, take it REALLY slow and try and analyze the situation and her response. The trick is to make her want it more than you.

 

3.2 Sex

Having sex: Good. But DO NOT press for it, it MUST happen naturally or even better, initiated by her. Don't ask to spend the night, make her want to spend the night. Also make sure she has feelings for you and its not just meaningless "ex sex", in which case, you are just a wiener on two legs. If you sense that she wants sex without some sort of commitment, then don't have sex with her.

 

If it feels "right", then make sure its not wham-bam thank you mam. Make it special for her. Light candles, put on music, be passionate and tell her how beautiful she is. Your three most important tools in the bed is: Your voice, your tongue and your fingers. Use them

 

Also, don't think that the deal is sealed if you have sex (and she "loves" you), it is a huge milestone, yes, but don't pop the question just yet.

 

3.3 Don't go to fast

ALWAYS keep a foot on the brake pedal. Things are not always like they seem, and if you rush it, you might end up ruining everything. If you have gotten to the point that there are feelings between you, let the develop naturally. Maybe you are in love with her again, but shes not quite there yet, keep that in mind.

 

3.4 "I Love You"

Do you love her? Does she love you? Even if the answer is yes, you still have to keep cool a little while longer. Ideally, she will be the one to bring up the topic of a new relationship, but she might be shy or have doubts, so you might have to take the leap an ask her where she thinks this is heading.

 

Lots of people have pretty strong inhibitions against get back with an ex, so even if you love each other, that is no guarantee she will want you back. Also, you need to be sure that whatever caused the BU in the first place, is a thing in the past, and that you are not going "back to each other", buy forward, into a new relationship.

 

Phew...

 

Well, if you bothered to read all that nonsense, i hope some of it helps. I was on a 10 hour flight when i wrote this, and was bored out of my mind, so i needed something to do. Keep in mind, i am no authority, nor any expert, just a guy who went through it, and who got back together with my ex after over a year.

[Tha]

I feel like sometimes breakups happen because there is significant disconnect between the two parties perceptions of the situation. Initially the one that left has perhaps a distorted view of themselves, the other person, or the whole situation. Then the one the was dumped develops a distorted perception of what they want.

 

I guess there are a lot of different patterns it could happen in.

 

Just an idea...

 

Anyway, I would feel incredibly manipulated if I found out someone was following a schedule or instruction to get back with me! Flattered sure, but pretty uncomfortable and that the situation wasn't genuine.

 

On the other hand this could be really useful for someone struggling with a breakup.

 

Tricky one.

[sharky988]

Broken record, but seriously -- there's nothing gender-specific here, so why direct this post just to men?

 

Kind of insulting, as clearly half the people here are women!

[Kimcwell]

Broken record, but seriously -- there's nothing gender-specific here, so why direct this post just to men?

 

Kind of insulting, as clearly half the people here are women!

 

I agree. Is it just me or does it seem like the majority of ppl that post on this forum are men? I want to hear from some of the ladies, although I do appreciate the male perspective!

[sharky988]

I agree. Is it just me or does it seem like the majority of ppl that post on this forum are men? I want to hear from some of the ladies, although I do appreciate the male perspective!

 

No, there's an equal split of men and women who post here.

 

That's why it's so weird when guys make these posts that are just directed to other men!

[snapple]

No, there's an equal split of men and women who post here.

 

That's why it's so weird when guys make these posts that are just directed to other men!

 

I don't think this post was directed towards anyone in particular. This kind individual was a man who just happened to share his personal experiences in hopes that it would help others. He was a guy who had an ex-girlfriend and went through this situation and made it through -- he made explicit that he's not an expert and can only share his personal experiences. Nothing wrong with that.

[sharky988]

I don't think this post was directed towards anyone in particular. This kind individual was a man who just happened to share his personal experiences in hopes that it would help others. He was a guy who had an ex-girlfriend and went through this situation and made it through -- he made explicit that he's not an expert and can only share his personal experiences. Nothing wrong with that.

 

The only reason I bothered to comment on it is because this entire -- very long -- post was directed only toward guys throughout with gender-specific language -- with "her" always as the dumper -- and frankly, yeah, it had the feeling of not just one person's experience but speaking to a "global experience" without really acknowledeging that, HEY, JUST AS MANY WOMEN GET DUMPED AS GUYS.

[Shake Spear]

The only reason I bothered to comment on it is because this entire -- very long -- post was directed only toward guys throughout with gender-specific language -- with "her" always as the dumper -- and frankly, yeah, it had the feeling of not just one person's experience but speaking to a "global experience" without really acknowledeging that, HEY, JUST AS MANY WOMEN GET DUMPED AS GUYS.

 

Hi

 

Yeah, i know it might have seemed weird that i only directed it towards men, but i can only speak from my own experience. Besides, its alot easier to write he/she rather than some asexual term, like "it" or "partner"

 

That being said, it might be useful for women as well, but they ARE different than us men in some respects

[Shake Spear]

I feel like sometimes breakups happen because there is significant disconnect between the two parties perceptions of the situation. Initially the one that left has perhaps a distorted view of themselves, the other person, or the whole situation. Then the one the was dumped develops a distorted perception of what they want.

 

I guess there are a lot of different patterns it could happen in.

 

Just an idea...

 

Anyway, I would feel incredibly manipulated if I found out someone was following a schedule or instruction to get back with me! Flattered sure, but pretty uncomfortable and that the situation wasn't genuine.

 

On the other hand this could be really useful for someone struggling with a breakup.

 

Tricky one.

 

I know what you mean, and an ex following some plan/schedule can indeed seem creepy, but on the other hand, your head is such a mess after a BU, that having some guidelines is great.

 

I got loads of help here when i struggled, and i really appreciate all the good advice i got

[Kimcwell]

I'm really just jealous b/c I want to post my own success story but it's not going to happen.

[wolflovesmoon]

One of the Greatest article i come accross in this forum, funny also. i agree on every step you mentioned, i have been there and i have done that, now we are married, we still go thru ups and downs but we are making things better, it was complicated when i meet her, i lied, i was still sorta involved with an Ex, i started acting like a jerk, pushed her to the breaking point and she left, i did exactly what you mentioned on this article, a month later i initiated contact and we slowly toke it from that point ( july 2010).

we have been together since, she stood by me like no one ever did, not even people i thought i could count on, we got married DEC 2012,, we had an issue the past month but we are overcoming it.

everyone who is going thru a break up and want their ex back, read this article, change a little of what you can change, since every story is different, and you will have success getting back with the one you love,.

we break up with people or they break up with us when we get to the comfort zone, we stop been the same person we once were when we meet them, attractive, funny, etc etc. once you can master doing that again, she will want to be with you again. Good luck and thank you for taking the time to write this article, Much appreciated