Neglected

[Empathy]

It's things like this that make me hesitant about marriage. Does the honeymoon really HAVE to end? I can understand the passion dying down a good bit, but completely?

[evy38]

I think both partners need to guard against taking, and being taken, for granted.

[Mun]

Hi Evelyn.

I have read through your posts and from what I gather it seems that your husband has a great life that he is not willing to let go of... not even because you are unhappy. This leads me to wonder.... what have YOU given up in your own life to accommodate him? What have you sacrificed?

 

You are the one who runs the house and in a sense holds down the fort while he is out playing. Sweetheart you need to get out and "play" too. He has an active social life... what about yours? You say you have chosen to work from home, and that is fine, but you also need to get out once in awhile. See your friends.. go to shows.. go without him if he doesn't want to accompany you. Now I know it will feel lonely, but at some point he is going to notice that you are not around like you used to be. When people take us for granted it is because they KNOW we aren't going anywhere... so they essentialy do as they wish because we are the ever reliable partner.

 

You need to rock that boat honey. Now you say this man loves you and is not cheating.. well then maybe he has just grown a little bored of the relationship... and the fact that life is so predictable at home is not helping. Throw that man a curve and you yourself take that class you wanted to take. Let him know that you won't be home those nights so that he can make some arrangements.

 

You value yourself and your man will value you too. Telling him to spend time with you won't work. Showing him that you are not going to sit around waiting for him anymore.... that just might work. If you've tried everything else... then try this now.

 

Best wishes

[evy38]

Great idea muneca. I think she needs to be careful though, if this leads to each having a life independent of the other, this marriage will end up being just as dead.

[Mun]

Evy, they already are (living an independent life).

[evy38]

Well, right now there is still some semblence of a marriage. If both their lives become completely independent of each other, even that will be gone. But, maybe that is not a bad thing. It would ease the transition that would be bound to happen.

Or maybe he would decide he wants a real marrige as muneca suggested. As DBL might say, I wouldn't act, based on trying to get his attention back because he misses you or is jealous of the time you give your friends. Theres no garantee of that.

[Mun]

It is very easy to neglect someone when we know that they are waiting on us and are not going anywhere. Now once we lose that security, and we still love that person, we start to wonder if indeed we could lose them and they could go somewhere (without us). This is what will get us to act and stop that from happening. They key here is that her husband still loves her, that might make all the difference.

[Evelyn99]

Well, it's the next morning and he's out golfing and will come home in about 45 min to change and go biking for the rest of the day. Just like yesterday. (He was gone from 6am to 7pm yesterday with an hour inbetween to change. In the morning, he let the dog out, forgot that he had, left, and now she's lost, too.)

I've decided to go out. I'm not sitting around here today like I did yesterday. When he comes home from golfing, I'll be gone. I'm leaving a note telling him I don't want to sit around alone for another day. I think I'll go see a movie. Maybe shop a little. I've got work I could be doing here, but that's going to wait until tomorrow.

[evy38]

It is very easy to neglect someone when we know that they are waiting on us and are not going anywhere. Now once we lose that security, and we still love that person, we start to wonder if indeed we could lose them and they could go somewhere (without us). This is what will get us to act and stop that from happening. They key here is that her husband still loves her, that might make all the difference.

 

I think you are right Muneca, if what he cherishes about this marrige is Evelyn. But, if what he cares about is: having a clean house to come home to, his bed made for him, his dinner on the table and, in house baby sitting, this idea will make things worse. First he'll conjole to get her to return to her old behavior. If that doesn't work he'll throw a fit.

Either way Evelyn, you need to find a life of your own. If you start getting out on your own and your husband joins you because he misses you and worries about who you are seeing, great. If he starts complaining about a dirty house and the cost of baby sitters, show him where the broom is and tell him it's time to start working all that overtime again.

I'm sorry babe, your guy might be a great sportsman but as a husband and lover, your guy sounds like a loser. You deserve so much better, but you have to believe you deserve better, and you have to believe things can be better. I think you are fab. Your husband thought so once too, after all he married you. Looks like he may have forgotten. Time to remind him.

[Mun]

The husband is going to throw a fit? Evy that is the whole point !!!

 

Once he sees that Evelynn is out doing her own thing he is going to realize that he is losing the security he once had... he is definitely going to react.. the way things are right now... Evelynn has all the household responsibilities on her shoulder and she is making it EASY for him to live like a single man--because that's the way I see it.. sorry.

 

Now once she starts rocking the boat he is going to have a hissy fit for awhile ( because change is hard) and then he will start respecting her again. They have been married for a long time, it's natural that love changes over time and all that, but other things have happened too.

 

Evelynn I am glad you are not going to sit around anymore. You love yourself, you respect yourself, others will value you too. How we treat ourselves is how others will treat us---and when they don't-- they KNOW we won't be there to put up with it.

[evy38]

Muneca, I think you and I are arguing different sides of the same point. Either way, I think we both want her to alter the status quo.

[Evelyn99]

He was in the military for a long time and recently got out. I'd followed him all over the world in assignments - moving every year to 18 months. So someone asked what I sacrificed for him, and I'd have to say it's been a lot. I've still managed be somewhat successful writing and with my artwork. (I just had my first piece hung in a permanent public exhibit.) I've got good friends, but most of them are connected with the college I just finished an artist in residency in, and they're pretty far away - like maybe an hours drive or so - and they're busy with families that spend time with them.

My kids are old enough that I don't have to worry about babysitters and such, and they're developing their own lives.

Last night, I told him some of the things I've tried to write here - about how I want to spend time with him and I don't want to be alone all the time. He said nothing. Then I asked him if he was still going biking today and he answered, "Of course."

When I left this morning, I wrote a note that I was going out and I wished he were there to go with me, but that he'd made the choice to go out biking again. He was gone when I returned, but he did leave a cup of coffee on the counter with my name on it.

I think I'm going to have to just continue going out and doing my own thing. I've been offered a chance to teach a week long seminar out of town in a few months. I think I'm going to take it. I should probably look for more things like that.