Neglected

[Evelyn99]

I don't know when I should just give up. I think my husband loves me as much as he's capable of loving someone, but it's just not very much. He's much more concerned with his own interests. He's out every night of the week for meetings of professional organizations, exercising, or clubs. Honestly, the only night he's not got something regular scheduled is Friday. Then every Saturday and Sunday he golfs in the morning and bikes in the afternoon. I never see him. I've been reduced to sending him emails when I need to tell him something. I've tried to talk to him about this, but he feels like I'm trying to 'control' him when I tell him I need more companionship in my life. I'm terribly lonely. When we actually /do/ spend time together and he's talking to me and not his cell phone I realize that I really love this man, but it's so rare that he has time for me. When I've asked for time with him, he offers for me to ride in the car with him for 45 min each way to where he bikes on the weekends with his friends, then sit around in a coffee shop for 4 hours while he bikes, then ride 45 min back - the only time he's willing to give me is the time in the car.

I'm very hurt and I'm wondering if I should really spend the rest of my life neglected like this. Certainly there are men that would want to be with me. I'm attractive and I think interesting and there /are/ men that have expressed interest in me - but I just want my /husband/ to want me. But he seems to think I'm imposing on him.

I also feel like if he doesn't /want/ to spend the time with me, I can't force that. It's pretty pathetic to be begging. I've told him how I feel and he still goes out every night and every weekend.

Should I just give up? Maybe our needs for the other person in a relationship are so different that it's hopeless.

[sasha12]

how long have you been married to your husband? Is he not spending time with you because of his work or is he not making time for you?

[Evelyn99]

We've been married for quite a while - over 15 years. He always had a demanding job and when he couldn't be home I thought it was because of the job - but now that he's changed jobs and doesn't have to put in the hours, he's found other things to do instead. He's spending time playing racquetball, biking, being in his college alumni organization, stuff like that. He doesn't have to do it for his work at all.

[sisterlynch]

I think that it must be time to go, move on. If he can't spare a moment of time with you without making you feel awkward about it, then you should move now, before your options are missed. He doesn't seem to miss a moment away from you, you need to repay him for that.

[sasha12]

have you ever tried to take interest in any of his hobbies so that you could find a hobby that you both could share and be able to spend more time with each other or do you think he is avoiding you deliberately.

[evy38]

I'm going to suggest something outrageous and something others on this site wouldn't. I'm going to suggest that you leave him, at least for a while. You need to find out if life would be ok, maybe even better without him. He is clearly not listening to your concerns or responsive to your needs. What about his needs? May I ask how much you are doing in this relationship? I mean besides loving, how about the cleaning, washing and cooking? Are you doing that just for yourself or the both of you? In other words which of the two of you is getting the most right now?

It seems to me that you are pretty much available 24/7, to fulfill his basic wants, but he doesn't understand or won't hear that he isn't satisfying yours. Do you want to live this way the rest of your life? Because right now, he has no reason to change. You haven't given him one. I don't mean to blame you for this, but the fact of the matter is, this is one happy and selfish guy. He's got every thing he wants, an active social life (without you I might add), a satisfying working environment from the sounds of things, a pal to sleep with (again you) and a maid service? (would that be you too?), and he's comfortable with it. Why should he give it up or compromise. He never has had to before. Bet this has been going on for a while, hasn't it? One doesn't get this self centered in a relationship overnight.

You need a best friend right now and aren't you lucky, because you have one right there. That would be you, girlfriend! Nobody is going to love you like you do. You come first, starting now. He's been coming first way too long. Time for your turn. If you don't want to continue living this lonely life, then don't! If you need someone to give you permission to take care of your needs than I'll give it to you, right now. You'd be amazed at how many women feel they don't have the right to ask for what they want.

I'm sorry if I was hard on you in this post, but as I read this I got so mad at your husband and I was thinking, I want take her for a nice day at the spa where someone would totally pamper her, (because she so deserves it!) and then help her pack her bags and get out. When you are a pair, you shouldn't have to pay somebody else to give you an hour or two of their time.

Good luck and be brave.

[Evelyn99]

I don't think he's avoiding me deliberately - it's just that he isn't really interested in what I do or like. I'm an artist - last time he went to a show with me, he spent the entire time on his cell or playing games on his cell. It was pretty clear that was a bust.

 

As for me trying to get involved with his interests - he's a long distance biker. There's no way I can go out with his friends and bike 100 miles, especially at the speeds they go. I'm in pretty good shape, but nothing like that. I'm also not to his skill at raquectball or golf. I'd just hold him back and frustrate him. The other things he goes to are professional meetings and such. I've even tried that - but not only are they deadly boring, but he's so busy 'networking' that he doesn't talk to me anyway.

 

I've suggested taking courses together at the community college, and he seemed receptive but when I sat down with him with the catalog he rejected all the possibilities because he was already busy on the nights the classes he'd take were offered.

 

He says he loves me, and he does things like call between work and meetings to say hello, or on his way home from biking or something. But that's a 2 or 3 minute phone call on his cell while he's driving from one place to the next - and often that's all I talk to him all day.

 

I really don't think he's /trying/ to avoid me. I just think I'm a very, very low priority.

[evy38]

Yes, you are a very very low priority. I'm an artist and if a man behaved that way at my SHOWING, I'd figure he had a death wish, because I'd want to kill him! This is what you do! How much of your life did that show take? Six months? Twelve? He treated your opening like an arcade!!!

Do you want to be at the bottom of his ladder? Do you think that someone who respects you would treat you this way? What goes after the respect does? What do you want? His time? Demand it, asking isn't working. This boy needs a wakeup call. Either give it to him or live like this without complaint, because talk is cheap, in this case. Time to walk the walk or walk away.

[cleverme123]

My husband works two jobs so I rarely see him. He started with just a few extra nights a week and then it became too much. Now I found his ex girlfriend is working at the same place he is. they broke up because he didn't spend time with her. He makes me feel horrible when I ask him for a few minutes, he rarely talks to me when he is here and it's almost as though we live in two different worlds that exist in the same life. I understand how you feel. I love him and don't want to end it, but on the same time I feel terribly neglected and get the feeling he doesn't really want to be with me, but rather pursue his own interest.

[DBL]

I can't believe how many people play God with someone elses marriage.

 

You been married for 15 years...basically the honeymoon is over. In my family men don't hang with the wives. The men do their own thing and the wives go do their own thing. Sure I would hear my mom complain a bit that my father was working or playing ball. He didn't even spend time with us kids...but that didn't mean he don't love us or my mom.

 

The people suggesting a divorce or breakup probably been burned already. If anything you should seek conseling for at least yourself.

 

I agree with sasha...try to take an interest in his hobbies...and go out and get your own hobbies. There may be a reason why he goes and does all this...maybe he needs to keep his mind very occupied. I wish I utlitlized my time the way your husband does. Maybe you should set a night once a week where you go out to eat.

 

Some people just like to do things all the time. My sister and her fiance are never home. My sister works all over the country so she is never home all week...and on the weekends they go where they want...this week they went to Disney World for the second time this month.

 

I wouldn't throw a way your marriage right yet...I would try to seek more solutions and maybe some personal counseling.

 

Good Luck and hang in there.

DBL

[San123]

Do you have any kids? Also, have you ever talked to him seriously about this? I mean like tell him how neglected you feel and sometimes you wonder if you shouldn't go find someone who wants to spend time with you? Maybe if you told him that, before you try leaving him or what not, it would sink in that you are serious about wanting him to make time for you, and it could end your relationship.

[Evelyn99]

Evie a lot of the things you said have the ring of truth to them. I am the one that does /everything/ around the house. I am the one that takes care of all the day to day things. He is terribly selfish in the relationship and I don't feel like I get anything emotional back.

 

I keep thinking there's probably a third option though - and that's just to give up on the idea of love in my life and make a life of my own with my work and my friends as he has, remaining in the marriage. Frankly, finances are a concern if I leave, although a counselor I spoke with told me that with proper preparations, I could set myself up so that I could manage. Thing is, I don't know if I even would /want/ to be in another relationship. I mean, I could stay here, go out and do my own things, be as inaccessible as he is, but not 'upset the apple cart' with the kids, with the finances - just realize that that part of my life (love with a man) is pretty much over and go from there. It's not like anything's guarenteed out there even if I left. I know lots of people live like that. I also know that I'd /like/ to give him more, but he doesn't seem to want it. I know that I shouldn't leave with the thought that I'm leaving to open myself for another relationship - that's just dumb. I've got a lot to give, but who knows if anyone even wants it? I mean, seriously wants it - the men that have shown interest in me know I'm married and are probably just wanting 'something' on the side - something I'm not interested in supplying.

I'm probably making you mad with this post, Evie.

[evy38]

DBL, I get the sense that he does this all the time and he isn't listening to her. It doesn't sound like he's doing his own thing sometimes, but all the time. What she has been doing isn't working! She should live her remaining life on his terms, doing only what he wants? Because that is what you are saying. She's been doing that now. And, she's not happy. He has shown that he isn't willing to do ANYTHING she wants to do. Even if all that is, is an evening at HOME!!! She tried finding things they can do together. He couldn't even find one evening a week, in his o so busy schedule, for his wife. The marriage you say we are destroying, is that your idea of a marriage? Because that's not my idea of one. Will she really be anymore alone, if she's actually alone? Maybe she can solve this another way, but only if HE is willing to compormise, because she's been doing it for 15 years!

[evy38]

If Im mad Evelyn, I'm mad for you. Not at you. You got kids, you wouldn't be alone. I would ask you if he's ever had an affair, but it would send some of the other posters into space, so I'll leave that one alone.

[DBL]

Look at Eve trying to be smooth with that last question.

 

Well why don't you just ask him if he wants a divorce or seperation. Start there. Might save you a lot of trouble in the long run.

 

DBL

[evy38]

Love ya DBL

[Evelyn99]

We did go to counselling together for a few months last year. I told him at that point that I would leave if he didn't go, and so he did. I'm not really sure how much it helped - it did some, with some other issues with the kids.

 

Maybe what DMB (did I get that right?) said is just how it is. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I shouldn't count on closeness and companionship after this long and figure that it's just what happens. He says he loves me. He's not cheating. He's not violent or nasty and he takes good care of us financially. Maybe after this long, it's all you can expect. As he said, after this long, the honeymoon's over.

[DBL]

Evy...how could you not love me?

 

Evelyn...you got my name all wrong...don't let it happen again. ..Just kidding. Call me anything you want.

 

Well if he loves you and stuff and wants to be with you then you should try harder working it out. Some people just don't know how not to sit still. Maybe that is where you both are not compatible. He likes to do something all the time...and maybe he thinks you don't. I would say he feels comfortable with you, which is good. Maybe too comfortable..which is bad.

 

I just watched an episode of the sopranos where some doc told Carm to basically make her stand and stick with it. Maybe you need to be more assertive in demanding he skips one of his golf days or something.

 

DBL

[sisterlynch]

He is doing too much and it is making you unhappy. He doesn't need that many activities to make him happy, he is most likely escaping guilt, that is why he is constantly on the go, so that he doesn't have to feel present with you.

 

DBL, the only way that she can make him change is to make things feel serious to him. I am not recommending she leave him, only make him feel less happy doing all those activities, doesn't it sound like he is avoiding her by filling his life with activites?

 

When he is about to die -- do you think he will be disappointed that he only went biking once a week, every week? She really seems low on this list of priorities.

[evy38]

Evelyn,

If you do nothing else, take that stand DBL is talking about. Maybe he'll compromise if he doesn't want to loose you.

 

DBL, there's nothing else, for it, but to love ya.

[stratguy620]

I feel exactly like you do, except we are only bf and gf. Also, its not personal entertainment she ditches me for, its school work. I cant say "hey stop doing your homework and spend time with me", and i feel that I shouldnt be forcing to spend time with me, that she should want to do it on her own. Advice?

[Cadence308]

I think DBL is right and that you and your husband should try counseling, but you said that you already tried that. Clearly, you are not happy in your marriage and a partnership is 2 people and not 1. He is the only one in your relationship who is getting their needs met. Maybe the best thing to do is to leave him for a while.

 

I think it's normal for people who have been married a long time to have separate friends and interests, but he won't even give you the time of day or express interest in your life and interests. Maybe you could be happier with someone else.

 

Also, are you sure your husband is not having an affair? Just had to throw that out there. He never has time for you, is always gone, calls when going from one place to the next.

 

Good luck and take care of you. Don't get stepped on and taken forgranted!

[evy38]

Evelyn,

You said you didn't want to upset your childrens apple cart. Ok, I get that. But, what are they learning now? That it's ok for husbands to ignore their wives. That wives should take whatever treatment their husband gives them. That it's ok for mommy to be unhappy, as long as daddy is happy. Well, your sons will make out, if their wives don't divorce them, but your daughters...... maybe they'll rebel.

[Evelyn99]

So what I'm reading here is that I should demand that he spend time with me?

So then I have an annoyed, frustrated person that feels resentful that I /made/ him give up something he wanted to do. Don't get me wrong - I can be forceful. But I hesitate in this situation. It seems to be no good to insist that someone spend time with you.

I think it's right that he's just someone that always wants to be /doing/ something. I like to do things, too, but he just plans his own things with his own interests. Since I take commissions and work mostly from home, I don't have the interactions that he does at work and all. He thinks it's my problem because I often do spend the entire day at home alone working and I look forward to some interaction with him.

This might sound naive, but I really /don't/ think it's an affair. I know the people he bikes with. I take the phone calls from his biking buds and his racquetball and golf friends setting things up.

Any one of these things he does is fine. It's just the cumulative effect of being gone all the time, and I don't think he realizes. Since I posted last, I thought of keeping a log for a week of exactly when he comes home, when he leaves, times that we actually spend together. That might help us both - hopefully it will become apparent if either of us are being unreasonable in our requests.

[evy38]

I think your idea of a log is a good one. And no, you don't want a resentful partner. But would he be? If he knew how much this means to you? If your answer to this is yes, then you are raising one more child then you thought you were, and in that case, I don't know what you would do.

Try to work it out with him, either way. He needs to know how much strain his behavior is putting on his marriage, otherwise there will be a split, one way or another.

What do you want Evelyn? The only option you suggested for yourself was to give up and lead your own life. Fill the awake time while he does his own thing. All communication stops and the marriage will die. It may take longer, but it will still end in divorce court.

I only see three choices, end it now, try to save it now or let it linger as it dies a slow death. I think you want to try and save it. You wouldn't have come here, otherwise. So, pull out the forceful babe, you're going to need it.

Oh one more thing, don't feel bad for working at home and needing his company because you're more isolated. You're work is important and he should know that and provide you some of the companionship you need. That is what good husbands do.