Tried No Contact and Failed What a mess

[Bizw]

I'll quick recap my story and then get to my situation and question.

 

My girlfriend of five years broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. She said she wants to be able to spend all her free time with her girlfriends and not have to worry about me. She had been going out to the bars with them 2-3 times a week and I was not to happy about her doing this, although I tried to keep my feelings to myself. Shes very outgoing and attractive and I worry what is happening at the bar. I know she needs friends and I wouldnt want to hold her back I just had hoped that her and her friends could do something other than get drunk at a bar everytime they get together. Anyway, We talked about just casually hanging out from now on and becoming friends and seeing were things go from there. Well, this hasnt worked even though it's only been about a week or so, she has been busy everynight and is busy next week as well, so obviously I'm not much of a priority for her. Either way I think the whole friend thing is just a recipe for more heartache.

 

So I decided to face reality and I figured the easiest way is to cut off all contact. I have read about No contact on here and everyone seems to think it works well. I've tried this several times, each time she ends up calling me 15-30 times in one night and then I give in and answer. Each time the same result I get off the phone feeling much worse, basically shes trying to make herself feel like shes the one choosing to cut of contact.

 

Last night she began calling my phone again, I was strong and then she called my house and my rooommate gave me the phone. She told me she still loved me and that she wishes she could come over and cuddle with me. I told her that shes too confused and I can't have my mind toyed with anymore.

 

She called another 15 times or so that night and then started calling early today around 9:00am. I gave in and answered . She told me that she didnt want me to be gone forever, that what if in a month she wants me back and I'm gone. She said she wanted to come over tonight to see my new place and meet my roommates( I just moved), and then afterwards shes going to a party with her friend. I told her no way, that I'm not going to be there to fill in her time when shes not doing anything. She was crying and telling me that she still loved me and so on but she can't go back into this relationship right now.

 

So my thoughts are that when shes alone she starts getting sad and as soon as shes with her friend again she can play me off. I can't put myself throught this. I'm not sure whats stronger her love for me or her friends but I think at this point it's her friends. I imagine at the party tonight she'll be doing her best to forget about me.

 

What should I do just quit answering no matter how many times she calls, try and work things out or what. I really love this girl, I would do anything to get her back, but I can't hurt myself anymore. If I thought we could work through this I would do it. Do you think I'm just fooling myself and this is just part of her getting over me or do you think we could slowly get back together. I think I know the answer but I guess I want some reassurance. I would like to just cut off contact for a week or so and then have her over to my place and see what happens but I think as time goes by she will get over me. I don't want to be the one with feelings lingering.

 

 

If you think no contact is the only way should I refuse to answer no matter how many times she calls?

[kurakage]

You're doing pretty well with the N/C I think and not answering probably won't stop her from calling you. Maybe you can try to tell her flat out next time she calls you to stop calling you because of how it hurts you every time she does.

[sti555]

I think in the grand scale of things over a 5 year relationship a couple of weeks really is'nt long enough without contact..

 

She is probably trying to deal with things herself, remember this is not easy for her either, I would expect her to be confused...... She needs the chance to make mistakes and learn from them and the chance to distance herself from you, it's all about giving her time to think and work out her own feelings

 

She needs more time and so do you, try and focus on what you have in your life not what you have lost...

 

Have a look at my post here for more tips..

 

link removed

 

Good luck!

[sunfirechick]

You are right that she can not keep doing this to you. Next time she calls, remind her that she was the one that wanted space and to be with just her friends, not having to "worry about you".

 

Acknowledge her feelings, and tell her that you accept that she doesn't want to be tied down right now. Explain to her that this means that she can not be calling you like this all of the time, and that she needs to figure out what she wants before she contacts you again.

 

It sounds to me like she does want to be with you, and maybe over the five years that you've been together she is just starting to miss hanging out with her friends. She needs to understand that this is a two-way street, and that comprimises need to be made if this relationship is going to work out. A little time away may be all that she needs to realize what a great thing she's missing out on.

[OceanEyes]

15 times in a night huh? Wow. Doesn't that strike you as kind of obssessive? Then she tells you that she can't get back together with you completely? She's a very confused gal.

 

I'd say, for your own sake, to stop answering her calls. Tell your roommates that when she calls, to say that you're not there (trust me, if she's calling 15 times in a night, they will understand and probably agree with you). If you keep giving into her, she will never know what it's like to truly miss you or realize that she doesn't like her life without you in it - completely.

 

By the sounds of it she seems to want you when it's convenient for her; between social gatherings and outings with the girls. I'm guessing that they are mostly single girls who are always urgining her to go out and party with them.

 

Something else to consider - and you've probably been told this a dozen times before - is that she's probably in need of some time to herself (away from you), if she spent 5 years with you (if she is the same age as you, that would have been since you were both 18 - wow!). She probably wants to be able to come and go as she pleases, without having to worry about what you're going to say about it, having to explain herself, etc. I've felt like that before. Though I did love him, I hated that he would call me all the time wanting to know where I'd been, who I was with, what I was doing, etc. It doesn't seem like much to ask, but when you would really rather just 'get up and go' without worrying, it puts a damper on your mood when you know that you have to explain yourself in detail later on. Sometimes you just want to go out, have fun, and have nobody to deal with when you get home.

 

Your girlfriend seems to want you and this other life with her friends. Right now, she is definitely putting them first. This should be enough warning for you: even if she does come back to you, it will not be for good. She needs to life, and even though she is afraid of losing you, her desire to "just have fun" is probably going to be much stronger in the coming months. Take it as early warning and try to worry about your own life for a while.

[sti555]

I really think she is in a mess at the moment, mentally and emotionally...

 

If you care and love her, try and be there to support her, she must still be interested, just very mixed up and confused.

 

Take a breath, answer the phone, it dos'nt matter if you don't understand, just be prepared to listen!

 

Good Luck!

[Shyguy24]

hey u goot feelings too

 

so tell her that dont call unless she can respect u enough to want a relationship with u simple

 

either ure together or ure not whats the problem

 

otherwise drive her to a cliff and use ur imagination

 

i would kill the girl who would play with me like that

 

i mean cmon i got feelings too

[S4il]

Ringer OFF might help...just a thought.

[RayKay]

Well, you have already told her where you stand on the whole thing so now you need to make sure your actions follow through on your words.

 

I would tell my roommates to not give you her calls, as well as to as someone else advised, turn the ringer off - you are doing a good job ignoring her calls most of the time, so keep doing it. She sounds confused and obsessive, but she chose to be out of this relationship and should feel what that really means.

 

Good luck

[Bizw]

Thanks for all the great advice.

 

Shes going to be getting off work in and hour and I expect her to be calling. It's so hard not to answer when she told me she still loves me and I can tell she wants to get back together. But I also know shes really confused and in the end is going to go back to what she origanally wanted. I believe she also likes to know that I'm sitting worrying about her while shes out, that way she can wait until shes totally comfortable without me before she cuts me off all the way. I guess I'm not left with any option but not to answer. I hate to see her get mad and find someone else right away to get over me, but I guess I need to quit having that mentality and think about myself. I love her so much and I hate to give up hope but I think I might be fooling myself if I don't.

[Snarfnaj]

Sounds to me that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Maybe not consciously, but she's checking back with you from time to time to see if you are still there. As soon as she finds out you are there she's off having a good time again, leaving you to pick yourself up. Sometimes it is best to not answer phonecalls or have any form of contact. You can be truthfull and tell her this in all honesty up front. It hurts you too much to know that she's out there living it up. In going back and forth like this the pain within yourself will not only increase but also be prolonged. Right now it seems like she does not have much to offer you. She needs time to explore, make mistakes and find whatever it is she's looking for. Know that for her it is hard aswell to all of a sudden be by herself after such a long term relationship. Her feelings at times will be the same as yours. She's found a different way to find her way through life right now. One you do not approve of and even scares you. Give yourself some rest. Find love and trust in family and close friends. Start living your own life and try not to worry about what she's doing all the time. It'll drive you nuts. Build yourself back up and make yourself strong. Keep an open mind and pursue the things you enjoy in life. Let her be for a while....

Hang in there, man! I know what you are going through. I'm right there myself.

 

Take care,

 

JF

[Bizw]

As I figured she called 3 times so far since her work ended. I'm hanging in there and not answering. Thanks again for the help guys.

[Snarfnaj]

Never give up hope! Don't let it dominate your life in the meantime, is all...........