How long do you wait before making it official?

[Redabc123]

Not that this applies to me yet, I have only been on 5 dates, but how long is normal to make it official? And if you aren't official yet how often is normal to communicate? I talk to the person I have been hanging out with everyday for a month but having fears of rejection later, not sure if that is normal, any advice would be appreciated thank you

[Edmund Exley]

For me it always just sort of took care of itself. If I didnt want to see anyone else, and they didnt want to see anyone else, we were official.

[Edmund Exley]

Fears of rejection are always normal. Just dont let those fears consume the relationship and drive your actions.

[Redabc123]

For me it always just sort of took care of itself. If I didnt want to see anyone else, and they didnt want to see anyone else, we were official.

That makes sense, did you have a talk first? In my past its either happened to fast or not at all

[Batya33]

In my serious relationships it was typically within the first month or so and he brought it up first.

[Edmund Exley]

That makes sense, did you have a talk first? In my past its either happened to fast or not at all

 

I've never had an "its official" talk. I just gauged my own feelings and the other persons actions.

[Natasha24]

I wouldn't wait more than 2 months.

[Zuri]

In my current relationship we were official after exactly one month. We had gone on 6 or 7 dates before discussing only seeing each other.

[savignon]

I didn't have any "its official" conversation with the guy I'm seeing but he made it clear after a month or so that he wasn't seeing anyone else, didn't want to and made sure we were on the same page. So it wasn't the kind of conversation you might have in High School "Will you be my girlfriend?" but pretty much solidified things, made his intentions and interest level clear and made sure I wasn't seeing anyone else either.

[Redabc123]

I didn't have any "its official" conversation with the guy I'm seeing but he made it clear after a month or so that he wasn't seeing anyone else, didn't want to and made sure we were on the same page. So it wasn't the kind of conversation you might have in High School "Will you be my girlfriend?" but pretty much solidified things, made his intentions and interest level clear and made sure I wasn't seeing anyone else either.

I think we did that I'm not sure lol I don't want to scare him away out of fear that it's too soon but I did tell him that I don't have sex with ppl I'm not officially dating lol he didn't really respond so at this point I'm trying to go with the flow but I'm scares he will lose interest

[Batya33]

I think we did that I'm not sure lol I don't want to scare him away out of fear that it's too soon but I did tell him that I don't have sex with ppl I'm not officially dating lol he didn't really respond so at this point I'm trying to go with the flow but I'm scares he will lose interest

 

I don't believe in going with the flow when you've discovered your intentions might not be compatible with his. If you've decided you just want to see him for fun/casual dating that's different but I wouldn't try to convince myself of that. I'm glad you told him your personal standards and values about sex.

[savignon]

I think we did that I'm not sure lol I don't want to scare him away out of fear that it's too soon but I did tell him that I don't have sex with ppl I'm not officially dating lol he didn't really respond so at this point I'm trying to go with the flow but I'm scares he will lose interest

 

What was the nature of your conversation? What *did* he say? I personally would want to know if he was seeing anyone else/sleeping with anyone else prior to making that decision....even if, as previously suggested, you're just having fun or are okay with him seeing other people. It makes things unequal when one person has all the info and the other person is just along for the ride....relationships can't succeed that way because they have an unequal distribution of power.

Why not ask him if he's seeing other people?

[Redabc123]

What was the nature of your conversation? What *did* he say? I personally would want to know if he was seeing anyone else/sleeping with anyone else prior to making that decision....even if, as previously suggested, you're just having fun or are okay with him seeing other people. It makes things unequal when one person has all the info and the other person is just along for the ride....relationships can't succeed that way because they have an unequal distribution of power.

Why not ask him if he's seeing other people?

 

I asked him this past date if he was seeing someone else he told me only me, he said he liked me alot, we have kissed alot, touchy feeling but no sex. He asked if I was seeing anyone else or talking to anyone else and I told him no, that was it. He never said anything else and neither did I so everyday we talk I don't know if he sees me more as someone he wants to date or not. I'm beginning to think maybe I should simmer down to protect my feelings but I'm not sure. I'm not really good at expressing my feelings out of fear of rejection

[savignon]

So, he's said he's not seeing anyone else and he's made sure you're not seeing anyone else. So, there you have it! I don't think there's anything you have to clarify. If you decide to sleep with him then you might just clarify that you'll be doing that exclusively with each other. Sounds like you've already established that though.

[Edmund Exley]

I think this has more to do with possible insecurity. He has told you he is only seeing and interested in you, your chosing not to believe that.

[Redabc123]

So, he's said he's not seeing anyone else and he's made sure you're not seeing anyone else. So, there you have it! I don't think there's anything you have to clarify. If you decide to sleep with him then you might just clarify that you'll be doing that exclusively with each other. Sounds like you've already established that though.

 

Should I say something to be sure? I maybe over thinking this.

[Redabc123]

I think this has more to do with possible insecurity. He has told you he is only seeing and interested in you, your chosing not to believe that.

 

How do I know he telling the truth he could be lying, he doesn't act like my bf but doesn't really act like he isn't interested

[Edmund Exley]

How do I know he telling the truth he could be lying, he doesn't act like my bf but doesn't really act like he isn't interested

 

Thats the chance we all take on love. It takes faith and trust to have a successful relationship. You have to enter into any new relationship giving the other person a little of both until they give you reason not too. So far, doesnt sound like he hasnt.

 

Get a hold of your insecurity, or you are going to go through a lot of break ups and/or lonliness

[LoveSoDeep]

Should I say something to be sure? I maybe over thinking this.

 

How do I know he telling the truth he could be lying, he doesn't act like my bf but doesn't really act like he isn't interested

 

I think it's very clear you are over thinking this you haven't been seeing each other that long so what's the rush to "make it official" I know this may not help your insecurities but I can't help but wonder does making it official make it any less likely he'll lose interest? What I mean is whatever is meant to happen between you will happen weather you call him your boyfriend or not....if he decides to stop seeing you it would be the same weather he had some title in your life or not...so why focus on that? Stay focused on how fun things are when you're together and go from there. Sure he could be lying but let's assume he's not. He's not acting like your boyfriend b/c HE'S NOT your bf....it's too early for that.....let him ease into it you'll both be happier.

 

In general I find that this obsession with making things official is what freaks some guys out. I thinkit's very clear that you both wan tto see only the other and that's good sign especially at this early stage. be happy with that and don't push for more just yet. Take some time to enjoy what you have.

[savignon]

You are so right and I have to read this myself a few times! Being happy in the moment is of the utmost importance. It might make you feel good for a minute or a day to have the "girlfriend" title, but in the end if he cheats or loses interest, the title won't mean much anyways.

[Redabc123]

I think this has more to do with possible insecurity. He has told you he is only seeing and interested in you, your chosing not to believe that.

 

I think it's very clear you are over thinking this you haven't been seeing each other that long so what's the rush to "make it official" I know this may not help your insecurities but I can't help but wonder does making it official make it any less likely he'll lose interest? What I mean is whatever is meant to happen between you will happen weather you call him your boyfriend or not....if he decides to stop seeing you it would be the same weather he had some title in your life or not...so why focus on that? Stay focused on how fun things are when you're together and go from there. Sure he could be lying but let's assume he's not. He's not acting like your boyfriend b/c HE'S NOT your bf....it's too early for that.....let him ease into it you'll both be happier.

 

In general I find that this obsession with making things official is what freaks some guys out. I thinkit's very clear that you both wan tto see only the other and that's good sign especially at this early stage. be happy with that and don't push for more just yet. Take some time to enjoy what you have.

Wow you said everything I needed to hear, it is way to early and because of my past I over think this situation completely instead of just taking it for what it is. I like him and we have fun together no pressure, I'm guessing I should just keep it that way

[Batya33]

You are so right and I have to read this myself a few times! Being happy in the moment is of the utmost importance. It might make you feel good for a minute or a day to have the "girlfriend" title, but in the end if he cheats or loses interest, the title won't mean much anyways.

 

I think it's perfectly consistent to be happy in the moment plus have future goals and intentions that you've discussed with your partner. I do both every single day because one particular part of my happiness is by definition fleeting so I work hard on being happy in the moment. I never saw "girlfriend" as a title -I saw it as reflecting our mutual goals for the relationship and I certainly didn't let myself live with the negative mindset of "what if he cheats or loses interest" -what's the point of that in a developing relationship?

OP - I think it's completely fine to wait longer before having another discussion about intentions or goals. Also answer for yourself how long you'd be willing to date him if he couldn't give you more of a commitment than he has today so that you can have a time frame in mind for how much time you're willing to invest in this relationship.

[LoveSoDeep]

I have to agree. Like I said being happy with what you have is important but I didn't mean for you to do a 180 and just let go of any goals for the future. It's great to have goals in mind....for now though I think you've discussed this enough and it's time to just enjoy things for a bit. Maybe when you decided to take another step forward with the relationship talk a little bit about your goals in general to see if you're on the same page but at 1-2 months in there's no reason to push anything.

[savignon]

What I meant was, the commitment is what matters, not necessarily what you call it. This guy has expressed exclusive interest in her and asked to make sure she felt the same way. I think that's a good sign! In terms of "what's the point?"... of course there is no point to worrying but some people who have had past negative experiences around infidelity are trying to gain better control of their thoughts around that. So is there a "point"? Not really....but it happens. Something worth working towards reversing/changing to reflect a healthier mindset.

[Batya33]

What I meant was, the commitment is what matters, not necessarily what you call it. This guy has expressed exclusive interest in her and asked to make sure she felt the same way. I think that's a good sign! In terms of "what's the point?"... of course there is no point to worrying but some people who have had past negative experiences around infidelity are trying to gain better control of their thoughts around that. So is there a "point"? Not really....but it happens. Something worth working towards reversing/changing to reflect a healthier mindset.

 

I agree that it's about the intentions. I don't think this guy is quite ready to make things official but certainly things are progressing nicely! My comment on "what's the point" was specifically that there's no point in starting out in a new relationship where the primary focus is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Relationships can be hard enough (well, some come easily) without that negative mindset. It's not easy to shift from the negativity but I think it's essential.