Ended agreed NC period...it's helping me move on!

[Jimbly]

I am still in the anger and annoyance phase of my breakup, so I am just here to vent! I am approaching closure!

 

My ex and I drifted into a happy but complacent 2 year relationship after we'd both come out of marriages. We were co-workers and I had never felt any attraction to her (should have been a warning!) until we started hanging out because we were in the same boat and a bit lonely. She ended it 6 weeks ago without any pre-discussion or warning because even though our relationship "was going so well and she was really happy", "something was missing", and she was not ready to settle down again (she is 27, I am 39 and have a 6 year old kid). It was a mixture of GIGS and fear to commit, but also she just started a new job and was about to start school again, so had a lot of stress.

 

The warning signs were there for a long time (she is extremely shy and avoidant and I am anxious and avoidant), but I was still devastated because I felt things were getting more serious. She did too, and it scared her.

 

A week after breakup we met to talk. She finally showed her emotions and "left the door open". 2 days later we agreed on one month NC. It was the hardest month of my life. I obsessed and thought about how to get her back, but started therapy and working on myself. I have been making good progress. I have been on dates with about 8 different people mainly to distract myself, and it's made me realize that people like me and I am a good catch.

 

Last Monday was the end of NC so I sent her a text saying it would be great to catch up. She said she was busy but would like to chat sometime then I heard nothing. Again I obsessed, even though I knew she was busy with school. On Saturday I texted again and she responded but was out of town with family and friends. We agreed to talk on the phone on Sunday, but she didn't call so I called her. No response but then she called me back.

 

This was the conversation that made me realize just how wrong she was for me, and it is time to go permanent NC.

 

We always found it awkward talking on the phone, and she was not engaged in the conversation. She was tidying up her desk...I have seen her do this when on the phone to people. She has terrible interpersonal skills but I kind of got used to it. After 5 weeks without speaking to me, she was not putting in any effort! I initiated all the talking, and there were gaps of awkward silence.

 

Since I know how bad we are on the phone I suggested meeting up this week (she is on Spring Break) but she said she didn't think it would be a good idea because we are not ready to be friends and it would be "nebulous and iffy". I think she was worried about drifting back into "dating". This made it clear to me that she had no interest in getting back together, but was subconsciously still feeling something. We talked about staying in touch and I said that maybe we should sever ties completely. We went back and forth a few minutes with her saying "Oh I don't know, I'm not sure". She said maybe we could text sometimes but not everyday. More breadcrumbs and trying to string me along.

 

She said she had been so busy that the past 5 weeks went by fast. Basically sounds like she didn't miss me or think about our relationship in any way. She had not spent any time "working on herself" which she knows she needs to do.

 

She is clearly done and has put in no effort to even considering working things out. She did not value our relationship, and is insensitive to my feelings. Maybe it is too soon and she never got a chance to really miss me. Until last night, I missed her so much and it was so painful. But that one conversation has made me realize how wrong she is for me. She has a lot to learn about life still, and I deserve to be treated with more respect. I am now going full NC. Her birthday is in 2 weeks, but not even that will sway me.

 

So for me, breaking NC actually opened my eyes. I expected to be devastated if things didn't work out with her, but instead I now feel like I have closure and can move on. The uncertainty and pain of the past few weeks have made me look deep inside myself, and I am becoming a better person. I still have a lot of work to do but my friends (and therapist!) have already noticed the huge changes. Today I told a friend that I felt so stupid for wasting the past 6 weeks fixating and obsessing about somebody who has treated me so badly. She told me that this whole process has made me a stronger and more communicative person, who is not afraid to express how I feel.

 

I know I will find somebody more deserving of my love, who will love me back. As I said, I have been on quite a few dates over the past 3 weeks. I do worry that maybe it is too early to date, but I have met a lot of new people and had fun. What I have learnt is how important it is to take things slowly and communicate my needs and find out the other person's needs. On Thursday, I have a date with somebody I have a really good vibe about. I am trying not to have too many expectations!

 

While full NC from the start might be better in most cases, I do feel that temporary NC then a reconnection brought me better closure, and made me start working on myself faster, partly out of hope for reconciliation.