Not cheating, just odd... Makes me feel uncomfortable.

[borgon]

I am with my fiancé of four years and we have a two year old son together. She is a burlesque performer and I saw a message she had sent to a compère, after a show she had performed at (he's married.) In it she told him that she had a crush on him, and thought that it was best that she messaged to let him know so next time she sees him she'll feel so embarrassed that she'll be over the crush.

 

Feeling gutted, I told her I'd seen the message and she was heartbroken and couldn't apologise enough, saying that she didn't know what she as thinking. Seeing how devastated she was, I forgave her and things went back to normal. She suggested that I go along with her to the next show this guy was compering to meet him and see how much of a nice guy he is, and how there's nothing to worry about.

 

I did, twice. The first time we met briefly and all was good. He seemed like a reasonable guy. The second show I went to he didn't speak to me at all, and at the end of the night gave my fiance a hug and squeezed her backside while giving me a sly grin. When I asked her about this and said |I don't trust him, she said "Yeah, I thought that was weird too." and that was it.

 

When this had been playing on my mind enough for me to bring it up, she was more angry this time asking me things like what I want her to do? And asking me when this will end? And there's nothing for me to worry about? So I let it fly and carried on as if non of it had happened.

 

She has a lot to do with him with his shows now and speaks in mixed ways about him to me, from infuriatingly sickly gushing gratitude for the slightest thing he offers her (eg £10 bonus on her fee, or an off-hand compliment about her performance.) to noting that he can be a bit of a creep when it comes to the scene they perform in.

 

The final straw was when she had been booked for a show 150 miles away, and for some reason he was coming along too. Apparently it was coincidence, also it was on my birthday so I went along too. Again, the gushing gratitude for him being there and at the end of the night we went back to our room for a couple of drinks upon where my fiancé lay on the bed relaxing and chatting and he jumped beside her leaning close to her until it was called a night and he went back to his room.

 

I'm 99% certain she hasn't cheated on me, but I don't know how far this weirdness will go. I suspect too far and she ends up getting hurt. Is it somehow my fault that it's carried on? Our relationship is as solid as always apart from this. I'm debating whether to: Once again tell her that I don't like it, but I've got a feeling this will again be met with anger rather than sympathy. Tell her to do as she pleases? Tell her she can let this stuff carry on but I won't be accompanying her to shows so long as he's at them. Say something to him? Or am I just overreacting?

 

Many thanks for anyone who can offer anything in the way of advice.

 

Borgon.

[PaintWithLight]

You really need to see your situation as it true is.

 

She is a fiancee of 4 years, no marriage yet, but you have a child together... what is up with that?

She tells this guy that she has a crush on him....which is giving him a green light.

She parades you in front of him...so he can grope her while smiling at you.

She books a gig on your birthday and on the road, allows him to come into your room and lay down with her on your bed?

 

She is setting you up in the role of the cuckold husband and you are playing right along. Can she really make a living wage as a burlesque dancer?? I think her job is all part of this situation as well. Does her act involve nudity?

[Coolstorybro]

She, your fiancé, booked a show with this guy on your birthday? wow. She'd rather spend time with this guy than celebrate your birthday, that is how important you are to her.

[itsallgrand]

I'd like to know what your boundaries are as far as your relationship with your fiance are concerned.

 

It seems to be the epitome of disrespect to allow a man to grab her ass and smile at you, and she does nothing.

 

Is she allowed, in your books, to do whatever she pleases as far as using her body with men if it brings in business? Is that ok with you? It seems to me, she is basically 'working a client' and she expects you to be the man in her life who sits back and watches her do it. Ugh.

 

Meanwhile, there is a small child in the mix, and of course, you. So I'm really curious to hear what you want as far as this relationship goes and what you want as a family. ?

[borgon]

That's why I said it was odd. We are on equal footing, our sex life is good, we are best friends, all of that except when it comes to this one guy. Her burlesque is your standard cabaret/variety stuff; nothing you wouldn't see during a risque moment on Britain's Got Talent.

[MonsterM]

Keep in mind...my ex said she would never look at the guy we met on new years eve...and now she is rebounding with him...women are complicated creatures...talk to her...and keep in mind you have a child

[borgon]

Everything bar this is good, especially as a family, and even she'd say that our relationship was pretty much as good as it was at the beginning - which is rare I know. It's this one problem just needs addressing, and if I speak to her about it I strongly suspect she'll react aggressively rather than with sympathy, or understanding... I may be wrong though.

 

It's just like a little demon that was happy to die but she keeps feeding it. I'm not a jealous person generally either. She goes to shows on her own and has her own social life, as well as one with me and our mutual friends, and not once have I felt jealous or paranoid that she might get up to something.

 

Once conclusion I came to, which may sound stupid so I'm not sure, is that it's her way of having a little power over me. Like I say, I'd call this a pretty balanced relationship, but she's trying to shoe-horn this guy into my life. We're getting married at the end of the year and yesterday she said to me "We should invite **** and his wife, as we don't know them very well but we're probably going to get quite pal-y with them soon." Granted, she'd bought his wife into it, but still... It's forcing someone into our life whose presence has already made me feel very uncomfortable and causing problems to this day.

[PaintWithLight]

That's why I said it was odd. We are on equal footing, our sex life is good, we are best friends, all of that except when it comes to this one guy. Her burlesque is your standard cabaret/variety stuff; nothing you wouldn't see during a risque moment on Britain's Got Talent.

 

I cannot believe she can make a living do this. This is really a career path????

[borgon]

I cannot believe she can make a living do this. This is really a career path????

 

Making a living? Not yet, no, but paying the rent/bills etc is a team effort. A career, absolutely, she's gone from unknown to being on TV and two movies within a year. Bit it took a lot of work. And, alas, back on topic, not 100% smoothly for us.

[HeatherB]

Her job is to charm men. That's what she's doing. Maybe she's hostile to discussing your needs because she fears she won't be able to succeed at her job if she takes them into account. Perhaps one way to approach this is to frame the discussion as work oriented, not relationship jealousy oriented. Find out what her ethical standards are. It's possible she considers a cuddle and a grope to be part of the job, but anything involving bodily fluids as forbidden. Or something else like that. Make it clear that you respect her profession and understand that the job requirements are unique. She may be more open to hearing you if you set her mind at ease first.

[borgon]

The burlesque scene isn't really like that. It's more about cabaret and performance, performers are there to entertain a mixed audience. It's not an 'entertainment for men' thing and rarely involves proper nudity so the people who pay you aren't men throwing money at you; it's promoters and theatre/venue managers who want to pull in crowds. So in her approach she has to be professional, business-like, but this is one instance where boundaries are being needlessly pushed with a particular individual, at my expense. That's also why I'm certain it's not connected to her burlesque, but rather a way of telling me 'I never would, but I want you to know I could if I wanted to."

 

PS Thanks for all your help so far guys!

[HeatherB]

Well then yuck. Power plays are for suckers. You already knew she could get other guys and vice versa. Put your foot down and let her know you're not into it, and that if she wants to act like she's in an open relationship, that deal works both ways.

[PaintWithLight]

Making a living? Not yet, no, but paying the rent/bills etc is a team effort. A career, absolutely, she's gone from unknown to being on TV and two movies within a year. Bit it took a lot of work. And, alas, back on topic, not 100% smoothly for us.

 

You sound like a very supportive guy. But please be careful on how you view things. This is not a career for her. She is a mother of a young child, she cannot devote the amount of time needed to really make this into something full time. TV and movies parts are breaking roles for 20 somethings. Is she based in a city with enough prospects to make this happen? If so, why is she taking jobs that are 150 miles away? This sounds like the typical exotic dancer life where they live from paycheck to paycheck. Sooner or later, the looks fade and chances slip by and she is going to be faced with doing extra things to make ends meet. I think you need to really look at the future and what it holds.

 

She is chasing her dream of working on the fringe of show business which is a 1 in a 100 shot. You are making sacrifices and eating crow as she pals around with a guy that she thinks can help boost her career. Fast forward to 5-10 years from now where there are a lot of broken hearts and broken dreams.

 

Where do you see yourself with her in 5 years? Still engaged? What is your hope for this relationship? Is it even feasible?

[oldenoughtoknow]

I'd like to know what your boundaries are as far as your relationship with your fiance are concerned.

 

It seems to be the epitome of disrespect to allow a man to grab her ass and smile at you, and she does nothing.

 

Is she allowed, in your books, to do whatever she pleases as far as using her body with men if it brings in business? Is that ok with you? It seems to me, she is basically 'working a client' and she expects you to be the man in her life who sits back and watches her do it. Ugh.

 

Meanwhile, there is a small child in the mix, and of course, you. So I'm really curious to hear what you want as far as this relationship goes and what you want as a family. ?

 

borgon, you need to really think about these things. Then, you need to sit your fiance down, talk about these issues, and set boundaries that are acceptable to both of you.

 

What's going on right now is totally disrespectful to you, to the point of being ridiculous. Just her willingness to allow this to happen in the first place would be enough reason for me to leave.

 

If you really want to stay with her, it's time to draw a line in the sand.

[pl3asehelp]

I really think you're the naive one if you truly believe she doesn't know exactly what's going on here, but you will find out the hard way if you stick around. Just hope for your sake after that you can deal with all the baggage you're going t incur here.