Not really broken up yet but dealing with the emotions of one

[LoveConned]

Hi everyone

Its been a while since I have been on here. 6 months after my last break up, I met a guy (october 2011), we got along great but he lived 30 miles from me, had 6 year old twins who he was the custodial parent of (their mom lives out of state) and he lived with his mother as she helped with the kids. And other baggage too but anyway, I thought, I like him, hes fun, what harm can a few dates do?

well after 3 months we fell in love, my daughter and I started staying at his house weekends and everything was great. His mother was not happy and she saw where it was going and knew that we would probably move in together soon and where would that leave her? She was very controlling and manipulative and just got worse when I came on the scene.

Anyway, he was renovating a house for his work and he got the opportunity to move in and we discussed moving in together. I took a huge leap of faith and said yes, even though I had reservations after my last break up. Plus we were going to blend all the kids together, but we discussed it and he made me feel safe. So i quit my job and moved up into the sticks and I dont drive! Yes I had serious concerns, but he reassured me that we would be fine, he loved me, adored me etc. I was concerned that once we got to 'normal' would we be ok and he said it would always be our normal and he was never so determined to make things work. But I was under no illusions that it would be an easy ride.

So Ok in July 2012 we move in, I am now a stay at home mom with 3 kids and within 3 months he seemed to have changed. He is under tremendous pressure with alot of issues, i fell out with his mom, (we are ok again now), he has the IRS after him for alot of back taxes from a past business, he was being sued for child support (another story!), and now here was me who he had to worry about too!

he started to withdraw and become distant, he refused to communicate, I would become distraught and he would withdraw further, an awful catch 22.

What happened to the man i fell in love with?

so anyway, for the past 6 months its been like this, he can still be affectionate and we have some great times together and sex is still as good as ever but our lease is up in june. I wrote him a letter, a long powerful heartfelt letter saying i needed him to get back to the positive person he was and that i was still supporting him and loved him and that he must focus on the positive things he has in his life. he said he does love me and he is processing it all.

anyway on saturday night, a week after the letter, we had a few drinks and I got upset and angry saying i cant live in limbo like this anymore.

He says he loves me but has lost some of the 'in' love feelings as he has been consumed with so much stress. He says he knows hes changed, he knows he been depressed sometimes and says how I deserve so much better then all his burdens.

I am really quite devastated, he said he doesnt want to make any hasty decisions and we are going to stay here until June so the kids can finish school, in the meantime I dont know what will happen with us. Its really quite confusing because last night he gave me a back rub and had his arms round me in bed, told me he loved me, said he is still physically attracted to me. So I feel like i dont really believe he has fallen out of love, hes just been in a bad place. And I said to him, can you come back from this, he says he doesnt know and doesnt think I could come back either as he has hurt me.

BUT that is not my focus right now, I have decided to focus on myself and my daughter. Im getting my learner permit to drive this week! and I got a job today, just working 2-3 evenings a week but I think will this will all help in making ME feel better.

Anyway, thanks for listening guys, its nice to just get some support

[chai714]

My take is that your situation and his situation have both changed significantly since you two met. Given these conditions and with blended family you're sure to encounter some difficulty adjusting. This isn't something that can be done in weeks or months but rather years. Congrats on getting a job and empowering yourself to contribute and help improve the situation.

[LoveConned]

Thanks. It is just so hard right now, Im not sure if I can live the next 3 months like this. Hoping he will turn around, and feeling so rejected with each passing day until he does. There is still love there and I thought that would make it bearable but its almost the opposite. My mind keeps going back to the way he was and how adored he made me feel and I compare everything to that time! Its driving me insane!

How do you prepare for a break up when you are still in the situation and your partner says he is still thinking about what to do.

I am going through all the emotional stages of a break up - bouncing between grief, anger, denial, hurt, rejection while still trying to remain hopeful for the future, be it with or without him.