musicman85 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 If you've followed my story at all, you know how I feel about this. Long story short, my ex of 5 years left me and immediately got into a rebound relationship, she almost broke up with him several times and wanted me back for a few months yadda yadda yadda same story, ya'll all know it. They were "together" just about a year or so Anyway, they broke up. ON MY BIRTHDAY last week. A friend said that she changed her relationship status to single on facebook and changed the picture of the two of them to and old pic of her and her sister. Needless to say, what everyone told me was going to happen... happened. What i need help with is what do I do now? I'm torn between reaching out to her or just waiting to see if she comes to me. Obviously this is making my head spin because it's kind of a big deal in my situation. How have you handled something like this if its happened to you. Two weeks ago I wanted to send her a letter telling her how i feel and that i still have feelings for her, then i got slammed with work for a week and now I'm thinking about it again HELP? Link to comment
markie6 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Reaching out to her now would be the worst thing you could possibly do right now , not only would be highlighting you have been waiting and hoping for it to happen , you could move yourself into the rebound position and look very desperate. It's weak all round imho I'd be waiting for a call and be very wary. Link to comment
summer77 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Hey MusicMan, I just read your other thread. Personally, I'd say now is the time to send that letter. At least this way you will feel that you have said what you needed to say, and that you have got to a great point in your life regardless of everything with her. Worst-case scenario, she tells you she doesn't want to be with you. But at least then you know, at least you have some certainty after all her vagueness. Best-case scenario, you guys take things slow and try to rebuild the trust and love. Do it, I say. Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Have you been in contact with her the entire time? If not, bad idea. If so---then it's time to keep the conversation going. Link to comment
Droplet Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 I'd say that now is THE moment when you need to stay in control of your emotions and not do anything weak like...contacting her. Not only will she reject you if you do but she might aswell resent you for being an insensitive opportunist ( believe it or not, she's also probably grieving THIS breakup ). Wait for her to contact you, don't chase someone who rejected you, have some self-respect. Link to comment
Mike80 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 You really want her back after all the lies and deceit? All the duplicity and infidelity? I dunno man. I think yalls relationship ran its course a long time ago, and trying to rekindle an old untrustworthy flame would only end up setting you back 10 steps. It sounds like youre doing fine for yourself now. Why would you want to risk ruining all this progress getting involved with her BS again? I say keep doing your own thing and at least wait for her to contact you. If she doesnt, then you were never an option, but at least you wont have wasted any of your own time by chasing after her. from the other thread Link to comment
musicman85 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 Have you been in contact with her the entire time? If not, bad idea. If so---then it's time to keep the conversation going. We had been talking since she started dating the other guy, but i went strict NC almost 8 months ago and haven't seen or spoken to her since Probably a good idea to let her come to me and keep in control. Has anyone had experience with this type of thing? I mean im sure its just coincidence that they broke up on my birthday but a little too telling for some reason. What if she thinks that I've moved on and doesnt want to bother me? I read somewhere if they want to come back they will but who knows I guess now is when my determination and strength is really tested in how i react when and if she comes back now so I should just play it cool and keep doing me yeah? Link to comment
snappy5 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 We had been talking since she started dating the other guy, but i went strict NC almost 8 months ago and haven't seen or spoken to her since Probably a good idea to let her come to me and keep in control. Has anyone had experience with this type of thing? I mean im sure its just coincidence that they broke up on my birthday but a little too telling for some reason. What if she thinks that I've moved on and doesnt want to bother me? I read somewhere if they want to come back they will but who knows I guess now is when my determination and strength is really tested in how i react when and if she comes back now so I should just play it cool and keep doing me yeah? If she wants you back she'll message you. She broke up with you so the onus is on her to reconcile. Anything else will give her the idea that you are a doormat. Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 We had been talking since she started dating the other guy, but i went strict NC almost 8 months ago and haven't seen or spoken to her since Probably a good idea to let her come to me and keep in control. Has anyone had experience with this type of thing? I mean im sure its just coincidence that they broke up on my birthday but a little too telling for some reason. What if she thinks that I've moved on and doesnt want to bother me? I read somewhere if they want to come back they will but who knows I guess now is when my determination and strength is really tested in how i react when and if she comes back now so I should just play it cool and keep doing me yeah? Well, your NC drove her further into his arms to begin with. That was your first mistake. You need to follow your heart and decide what is right. You know her better than we do. Link to comment
MonsterM Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 1 year is quite a rebound... Link to comment
musicman85 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 Well, your NC drove her further into his arms to begin with. That was your first mistake. You need to follow your heart and decide what is right. You know her better than we do. Well i was trying to get her back for almost 8 months, but she kept toying with me and keeping me on a leash, i wasn't going to take it anymore and let her do that to me so I went NC to work on myself and grow, which i did. Regardless if you think it drove her into his arms more, it definitely ended with them breaking up so thats not a total loss right? What i do now is really important... I feel like I should let her come to me. She needs to prove to me that she wants to be with me, and make the changes to do so right? I still have a lot of love for her and care about her, but have been hurt too much to put myself out there right now plus i agree that reaching out just after she ended things with him makes me look needed and like ive been waiting for it to happen, i need to keep the power right? Link to comment
musicman85 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 1 year is quite a rebound... I was only out of the picture the last 7-8 months before that, she almost broke up with him 3 times, we hung out frequently and had a lot of talks. She wanted me back 2 weeks after going facebook official with him, its just been a big mess I feel like she needs to sort her life out and be ok being single before being able to even approach the thought of "US" again right? Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Are you happy that she's unhappy right now? If you are, that's a sign that you shouldn't be getting back together with her to begin with. What people don't realize is that when you don't SEE someone, that makes you miss them. When you don't TALK to them, that makes you disappear. It's very possible she could have moved on past you by now because you gave up. You stopped presenting an obstacle, so she kept moving forward while you stayed put. You really have nothing to lose at this point if you reach out. However, if I were you, I would wait a little while. Not too long though, because her next rebound could be coming along. You should at least think about how you are going to establish a dialogue without sounding needy or clingy, and without putting any pressure on her to be in a relationship with you. You need to start out as friends. Don't define the relationship in anyway. Just be there for her right now and see where it goes. Again, I would give it a bit of time, though. If she contacts you, don't play games. Respond. Link to comment
markie6 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Well, your NC drove her further into his arms to begin with. That was your first mistake 8 months of trying to get her back ..... hardly his first mistake... Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 8 months of trying to get her back ..... hardly his first mistake... It can take a long time to reconcile with an ex. Again, if you're not willing to do the hard work, then they aren't worth it enough for you. My brother waited 8 months for his ex. Guess what? They're getting married now. It's all about how strong you are and how much they matter. If you're not enough of a man to deal with a little pain, then get out. People say "man up and walk away." Well, walking away is hardly in the description of what I see people use for men. Link to comment
musicman85 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 Im not happy that she's unhappy. I'm not sure where that comes accross? Yes thats very possible that she has moved on, but given how the last year has gone and how much she wanted me back and saying "if we got back together we'd have to get married" etc and all the other things showed me that she still has feelings for me This is a thread more about what I should do at this point... not what I should have done. Any thoughts on that are appreciated How do you start out as friends, I'm not even sure what I would even say to her right now... the obligatory "Oh hey! how are you? It's been so long!" just sounds so expected especially now that she's single Fun enough, I used to call her my butterfly and its almost spring now and have been seeing them everywhere around town... coincidence? Link to comment
markie6 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 You're correct it can , but I sometimes wonder exactly how much time you would invest .... or call it a day. From what I see of your advice, (although you're at least trying to be less aggressive) It seems to be more aimed at fixing something that is breaking down. Not quite so good with relationships that are broken and over. You can't chase them indefinitely and then , somebody will have to walk away before old age kicks in. Man or notIt can take a long time to reconcile with an ex. Again, if you're not willing to do the hard work, then they aren't worth it enough for you. My brother waited 8 months for his ex. Guess what? They're getting married now. It's all about how strong you are and how much they matter. If you're not enough of a man to deal with a little pain, then get out. People say "man up and walk away." Well, walking away is hardly in the description of what I see people use for men. Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Like I said, you need to give it some time, and then contact her. Without putting pressure on her for a relationship. No talk about a relationship, or anything. Just casual conversation. You need to rebuild things. Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 You're correct it can , but I sometimes wonder exactly how much time you would invest .... or call it a day. From what I see of your advice, (although you're at least trying to be less aggressive) It seems to be more aimed at fixing something that is breaking down. Not quite so good with relationships that are broken and over. You can't chase them indefinitely and then , somebody will have to walk away before old age kicks in. Man or not Communication has a way of creating new and better relationships that seemed hopeless. Communication is the key to any relationship. I've seen it time and time again. Link to comment
markie6 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Communication is the key to any relationship. Yes , however not quite so appropriate when 1 half doesn't want a relationship.... and has in fact ended it. Their relationship was over, gone when she entered into a rs with somebody else. Can't quite fathom why you would have had him contacting her for the last 18 months , trying his best to get her back when he couldn't be sure the relationship she chose to be in would end at all. Limbo for all intents and purposes. Now if she was single for the last year you would have a point... but she wasn't, she was in a relationship with somebody else Link to comment
musicman85 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 Yes , however not quite so appropriate when 1 half doesn't want a relationship.... and has in fact ended it. Their relationship was over, gone when she entered into a rs with somebody else. Can't quite fathom why you would have had him contacting her for the last 18 months , trying his best to get her back when he couldn't be sure the relationship she chose to be in would end at all. Limbo for all intents and purposes. Now if she was single for the last year you would have a point... but she wasn't, she was in a relationship with somebody else Markie, agreed. That's why i went NC, because she wasn't going to leave him atleast not then. her and everyone in her life told me that he's nothing compared to me yet she still stuck it out, my thinking is because she didn't want to show that she was wrong or had made a mistake. Now that they are broken up I'm not sure what to think about it all I'm not sure what my next move is, maybe i should just keep cool and see how the next few weeks go. I dont want to get into a realtionship with her right now, but I'd be open to seeing if we could rebuild what we once had into something better, only if she has been able to grow... which from the looks of things doesn't seen to be the case bc she never gave herself that time to be single. She's someone who can never be alone... and she needs to be able to be on her own before she get's into it with someone else. I am curious what drove them to break up though Link to comment
markie6 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 I am curious what drove them to break up though well that will be key to what happens next imho. I am sure you have your ear to the ground and will find out sooner or later. It will have a huge bearing on how you procede. Link to comment
musicman85 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 So i found out about this last week though a friend just now the same friend said that her sister tagged my ex and her "boyfriend/ex-boyfriend" at a restaurant in dallas... thats a week exactly that she changed her relationship status to single, his relationship status says in a relationship, hers does not and still has the "x went from being in a relationship to being single" and her profile pic is still changed... ***? Link to comment
MonsterM Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Oh stop acting like a child hoping facebook is all true...it isnt...really...they may be just checking you up...have you thought about this? Link to comment
musicman85 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 Oh stop acting like a child hoping facebook is all true...it isnt...really...they may be just checking you up...have you thought about this? I'm not a child. This is a big change in something that has been something I've dealt with for a while and have cared a lot about... regardless of the changes I've made and how I'm improving myself. Anyone, would at the very least wonder about it if the person they were with for 5 years and wanted to marry suddenly came out of a relationship... I know facebook only shows the happy side of things... this going single is the only "negative" thing in facebook that people see so it's obviously going to make one think That being said, what do you mean "they may be just checking you up?" I dont even know what's happened, all I know is that she changed her relationship status to single on my birthday... was apparently in Dallas with him yesterday, his relationship status still says he's in one and hers does not... just the facts from facebook. Anything else is assumed/hearsay/who knows maybe reaching out to her would help? Link to comment
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