We want to remain friends and maybe get back together - in need of guidance

[pandorasbox1]

Hi all, so this is the first time that I've actually done anything remotely similar to this. Im more the suffer in silence type but im hoping for some good advice and guidance

 

Its quite long so please bear with me.

 

Im 21, my now ex is 25. We were dating for a little over 1 year and 5 months. Its been 6 days since the break up and emotionally I think im doing better. For a long time now we had been having issues and I dont want to be one of those that points the finger and defers blame but our problems started when his older sister came to visit last year december from the UK where she has been living for the past 2 and a half years. I had never met her in my life before. I should also point out that I was his first serious serious relationship ever and that he hadnt dated anyone in 3 years due to being cheated on.

 

I sensed a lot of animosity from his sister. She was loud and obnoxious and had no consideration for anyone else. Long story short, his behaviours toward me changed drastically. I felt like I was on the back burner. I understand he hadnt seen his sister in a while but he treated her like G/F number 1 while I was G/F number 2. He went to see her in UK earlier that year (April) and his behaviour then was also really strange towards me.

 

since december we had been having a lot of problems. Basically he had withdrawn from the relationship completely and the more I tried to reel him back in the worse I made things. I made it even worse by asking the dreaded "So where is this going?" question, to which he freaked out completely and said he needed space. Basically he told me he sees no marriage or children in his future and a month down the line, couldnt even think about living with me one day...

 

After his sister left there was a period of about a week where he wanted to break things off 3 times. He stayed and things were great for a month, or so I thought (he later told me things werent fine). I was giving him space and letting him do his thing while not asking anything of him. He withdrew even more and I held on tighter... I eventually asked him this last saturday why he decided to stay with me. (at this point in time he tried breaking up with me atleast 7 or 8 times). He freaked out and basically it turned into another charade where he didnt know if he wanted to come or go. I kept quiet a while and he grabbed my hand and that was pretty much that. He decided to stay. As per usual he pulled away and I could tell this time was different from all the others. He refused to speak to me two days after that. On tuesday morning last week I get a message asking if he could see me later that evening and I agreed. I knew what was coming because he couldnt even tell me he loved me.

 

I prepared myself all day and told myself I wouldnt give him the satisfaction of begging. He came to see me and things were quite amicable. He gave me a long hug and had tears in his eyes. We spoke about how unhappy we both were and other issues in the relationship. I told him that no matter what I think he is a great person and we do have a special connection (we are both eachothers longest relationship and have never felt as intensely about someone before) and I would like to have him in my life. He agreed. The breakup was somewhat mutual but I proposed that we take a step back from one another and find ourselves again so if we do decide to persue the relationship again, we can do so with a clean slate and none of the behaviours that were there before. He agreed surprisingly, on the condition that we do not see other people. I could talk to men but he stressed not getting any phone numbers. I told him I was nowhere near ready for that anyway. He was very affectionate with me throughout all this; touching my leg and holding my hand. He said he wanted to keep in regular contact and asked what exactly my relationship status would now be because "you're single but you're not". I asked him if he loved me and he said he cant reciprocate those feelings for me at this point in time

 

We said goodbye after another long hug and he grabbed me and kissed me. He is not the type to remain friends with an ex as he never has and he would never kiss an ex either... Im confused... After two days of contact with me he went radio silent and today contacted me again telling me how happy he is. Its killing me. When Im not in contact Im fine and I have a grip on my emotions and have rationalised things. It doesnt seem over though and I dont want to hold onto the false hope of something working out. I know we both need this time away from eachother but he is a serious commitment-phobe and I honestly cannot gauge his thoughts or actions

 

Please help... any insight into the male psyche would be a great help

[Snow93]

He's so hot and cold with you, he wants to break up, then he doesn't, then he does then he says he isn't sure he wants to live with you or anything like that? This guys sounds like he needs to figure himself out properly before bringing you into the equation and hurting you. I mean, he's 25 but emotionally he sounds 10 years younger than that.

 

While your suspicions about his sister might be justified, you have to remember that ultimately, it's his call how he acts towards you. I've done the same and blamed my ex's friends for influencing her in pulling away from me. Same case, while it's probably true, it's still down to your partner how they treat you despite what they're being told.

 

Your last couple of paragraphs, they just make him sound like he is completely toying with your emotions. He came right out and said he doesn't reciprocate your love but still wants you sticking around and not dating other guys!? If he wants to break up you can do whatever you like! Like you say, you're not ready yet but DO NOT let him tell you what to do like that. He seems to be just wanting to keep you around as a safety net so he can sleep/date around and have old reliable you there to soften any blows he takes from other mishaps with women. The fact he says to you "you're singly, but you're not", well, sorry to burst his bubble but he doesn't own you. It's his choice to breakup an he had wanted to 7 or 8 times.

 

I think you should cut this guy loose completely because he doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be treated like that, nobody does. You said yourself when you're not in contact you feel better, don't put his needs before yours. He contacts you just to say he's happy...I mean really? Please cut this guy loose completely for your sake! Good luck.

[pandorasbox1]

Thanks for responding snow93

 

I totally get what you're saying and when he contacted me this morning asking how I am etc, I told him that I dont think I can do the whole friends thing. He didnt really respond. He said he cares about me a lot and is not looking toward the future. He is focusing on himself and wants to let whatever happens, happen. I think its easier for him to keep me around because in his mind he broke up with me a long time ago.

 

I think he's been confused about what he wants his whole life... 3 weeks into dating he dumped me and a week later he said he regretted it and we ended up together again. I think he's scared that in a few months time he will want to be with me again and is thus keeping me around. We have a great deal in common and really do have a great friendship but I feel like im being strung along and that I have to just be okay with every decision he makes with regard to me. This is so hard as I was convinced he was the love of my life