He is My Best Friend and Worst Enemy...

[MadxMythMadame]

I'm conflicted to say the least.

 

Roughly a year ago, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. In short, I was sick of him keeping me out of his life. I've always known he was very secretive and had to hide things from me -- I respected that, but I couldn't help it. The moment we broke up, I was upset and had no one to call, but him. A month or 2 later, he tells me that a week before we broke up that he just fell out of love with me. And that's when I decided I need to move on.

 

He's been my best friend for 5 years, pretty much the person I trust the most and vice versa, which is why we've decided to stay friends. I truly mean, friends. It took me a while, but I realized he's not who I want or need. I don't want someone that goes and leaves me as he pleases and finds me to be some accessory to his life. I think there's a part of me that will always love him, but I love myself to. I want better for me...

 

The end of this past year since our break-up, two things have affected this friendship: He's in the military and has recently been told he's not getting deployed. For him, this changes everything. He finally has hope of a future. For soldiers, they don't know if they get that chance to have one. He finally has hope for love again and I think that's important him -- he's the loneliest person I know, even though he would never admit out loud. Also,I recently started dating this great guy. It's only been a month, but he's amazing, just exceptional guy. It's not love, but it's new and good for me. Since I've started seeing this guy, my ex has been really suspicious...

 

Every time and potential guy comes along, he likes to make these weird "visions" of what my potential future will look like for me with a new "beau" -- something along the lines of, "you're going to go on dates with him, fall in love with him, your wedding is going to look great, blah, blah, blah..." When he did this to my actual new beau, he got very stand-off-ish. I thought, "It's a coincidence. Nothing to do with me." Until today.

 

I've been talking to my friends about it and of course, they're telling me, "He's totally in love with you, blah, blah, blah." My other best friend told me that he doesn't think that my ex is in love with me -- he thinks that my ex is jealous of what I have: the chance for new love. I ran with that; it made sense -- until today.

 

My ex's behavior has been extremely bothersome to me. For weeks, I've been sensing that he/s been hiding something that has to do with me. I've asked him about. There's not much that he can actually hide from me. I'm rather intuitive when it comes to him -- All he's told me for weeks is that he can't tell me. It's really bumming him out and tearing him up, but he wouldn't tell his best friend? The one person he trusts the most? Even if I wan't the person he trusts the most, he would tell me if it didn't involve me. I didn't think so until today. I asked him if he had anything to do with me. His response was, "Of course, it has to do with you. That's why I can't tell you. I can tell you in a few years, but I can't tell you now." Why not, I asked. "Because if I told you, I would have to desert to see you." Then he excused himself. But that's when I knew...

 

A part of me is always going to love him, but that part knows he hurt me. He hurt me too many times because I let him. Because I loved him so very much as much I hate to admit it. I loved him so very much and value him so highly as a friend...

 

What should I do? What I need to do? I know I'm not getting back together with him because I'm not risking my heart like that again. I'm afraid to let him go as a friend. He's someone I trust so much... There are so very few of those people I trust and I'm scared of having no one to trust...

 

Pls. help...

[lavenderdove]

Look, this guy is screwed up! He's secretive, you've already made the decision that he wasn't a good BF, but he still plays silly mind games with you. I'm not sure you should even really be friends with him let alone think about having more with him.

 

He's not promising you anything, is just playing games. And now you've got a great guy as a new BF and he suddenly gets all spooky secretive in order to attract your attention because he knows this new guy is good enough that he might lose his hold over you if you get more attached to the new guy.

 

And I'm not sure why you trust someone who is secretive and plays games with you and has hurt you many many times. You probably shouldn't. You have an idea of what you want based on what you HOPE he would be, not who he is. And you're in this weird limbo with him where you are not 'normal' friends, but overly enmeshed exes who aren't good together as a couple, but who are afraid to let go and have normal relationships with other people.

 

I think you should do nothing dramatic. You should focus on your new BF and see where it goes, and just write off this overly dramatic 'i can't tell you or i'd have to kill you' moment where your ex has thrown some high drama in your direction to peak your attention. If he were a REAL friend, he'd just say whatever needs to be said and stop the 'i've got a secret' b.s.

 

He still is who he is, and you two didn't work out. So don't waste any more time on him. If you've got a great new BF, i think you'll be kicking yourself in a few months if you leave him to return to someone who is screwed up and playing mind games with you. He is the same person, and you'd get another helping of the same trouble if you try to date him again. And i think you need to work on making this ex into a more 'normal' friend and distancing yourself from him. It sounds like a bit of co-dependent unhealthy relationship if he behaves all weird like this, so you need to think about trying to have a normal relationship with your current BF and not a weird pseudo-friends relationship with an ex. Go find a women to be your 'best friend' rather than a twisted ex who plays mind games.