In need of help and guidance. Please. Please.

[Javabear]

I apologize in advance for the length, but I really, really need help.

 

Six months ago my ex told me that he had feelings for someone else. We had been together for three years (from ages 18-21) and this was the first serious relationship for both of us. This time one year ago we were talking about moving somewhere together after college and working towards the future that we had spent three years talking about. I was extremely, 150% invested and devoted to this relationship. I knew that my ex had other things going on (he's an avid musician and formed a band last year that ended up getting pretty successful) and although there is no doubt in my mind that he loved me just as much as I loved him, I don't think he had all of him invested in us the way I did.

 

After the breakup I was completely devastated. One week after my ex and I split, I found out my parents were getting a divorce because my dad had been cheating on my mom for almost two years. I was handed a lot of emotional stuff to deal with all at once and it hit me pretty hard. I started seeing a therapist and after a couple months I realized that yes, bad things happen and either we let the bad stuff drag us down with it or we use it as a motivator to figure out our lives. So that's just what I did. I finally found a career I am interested in (teaching) and put all of my heart and soul into that. I ended up getting a student teaching position at a middle school not too long ago and I will be applying to graduate school next fall for a masters in education. I know that I would have never been so proactive about my life if my ex hadn't left me.

 

But all the while, through all the growth and learning I did, I missed my ex every single day. I didn't know if he was actually dating the girl he liked or not but we were in sporadic conversation every few weeks or so. He would text me occasionally or we would run into each other. And this kept me holding on to hope. I kept thinking that sooner or later he'd realize he left a great thing behind and he'd come back. All of our mutual friends (and his friends too) seemed to think the same thing. So hope lived on.

 

A few days ago, he emailed me and told me that his band needed $6,000-$10,000 to get their music professionally recorded and he asked ME of all people if I could help them out. I was shocked and appalled. That's when I knew he wasn't anywhere near figuring out his life and working on a way to come back to me. I knew I had to tell him that this was it and he couldn't contact me anymore. Two days ago I found out that he's been officially dating this other girl for the last couple months but they're keeping it a secret because they work together and it's frowned upon and also because everyone knew him and I and he thinks people will judge him for being with someone else. So only a handful of people know they're together.

 

I met with him yesterday for what I think will be the last time for a long time. We talked like normal for a while and caught up on each other's lives, and then I asked him to come clean about the new girl. I then told him everything I had been feeling for the last six months; that I had been growing and learning but I missed him and thought about him everyday. I told him that his friends had come to me in shock and confusion which surprised him. He got angry and kept asking why no one could come to him and tell him they thought he was making a mistake. He said, "Maybe it would have changed my mind!" but I'm not sure I believe that. He also admitted that he got everything he wanted. He threw everything away to give something a chance that he wasn't sure would pan out, and it did. So... good for him, I guess. He also said that he is just living in the moment right now and not planning for the future. He's going to take each day as it comes and if/when things fall apart, that's when he'll deal with them. This, to me, is a very immature way to look at the world. He needs help and a major reality check and I don't know what it's going to take to get through to him. But, being in contact with him hurts me too much, so I had to put a stop to it. The last thing I said to him was, "I love you very much." And he said, "I love you too."

 

I guess I don't really know how to feel right now. The worst part is that I keep picturing him and her together. I don't know how great of a relationship it could be if it's a secret and, as he told me, "She and I don't have any serious conversations. You and I talked about communication and the future and spending quality time with each other and she and I don't do that." I get that this is probably just the honeymoon phase or whatever and it can't be fun and easy forever, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think of them actually lasting... I don't want to wish it wouldn't work, but it was supposed to be me and him. We had a whole future imagined and I can't seem to let that go. I just don't know what to do. He needs time to grow up and figure himself out, but he's not going to do that if he's got his head in the sand as it seems he does. I feel rejected, unloved and lonely. I hate feeling like I wasn't worth fighting for when I did so much for him. I hate thinking that yesterday might very well be the last day I ever see or speak to him. I hate that I still go to sleep thinking of him. I don't know how to stop worrying about him because I keep thinking that there's something I can do and there just isn't.

 

Does anyone have comforting words?

[Supersarahp]

Take one day at a time. Focus on your teaching and everything else in your life. Try to minimise contact with this guy. You have told him how you have been feeling so he knows there could be a way back if he wanted it. He seems happy enough with this new person. I can't believe he asked you for that money!!! Cheek!!

[paulliegh]

Hi javabear, im not sure im the one to give advice as im having trouble myself.but one thing that makes me smile is a thought. (i remember how happy i was when things in my past relationship were good,now if i can be that happy in a relationship with the wrong person just imagine how happy ill be when im with the right person) i hope this helps, its been almost three years for me and i still find it hard sometimes. I agree with supersarahp,just focus on u for the time being, build a good foundation for your own life and when the time is right you will be swept off your feet like you never would have thought.

[jenny_mcs]

I’m so so sorry you are still in so much pain! It’s awful, really, the feelings from a first break-up. We don’t know how to process what we are feeling and we have no evidence that things will get better, that we will eventually move on and feel happy again.

But we have to do it, somehow. I think you are (unintentionally) making this much harder on yourself by thinking that your ex ending the relationship is evidence of some kind of flaw in his thinking- some terrible mistake he has made, some symbol of his immaturity.

 

When you say

He also said that he is just living in the moment right now and not planning for the future. He's going to take each day as it comes and if/when things fall apart, that's when he'll deal with them. This, to me, is a very immature way to look at the world. He needs help and a major reality check and I don't know what it's going to take to get through to him.

 

Your ex’s “one day at a time” philosophy is how the vast majority of 21 year olds view life. He doesn’t need help or a major reality check. He is a 21 year old guy who is finishing up college, with a part-time job and a new girlfriend and a creative hobby that he feels passionate about. He sounds like he is doing just fine.

 

You have this thread running through all your posts like this

He needs time to grow up and figure himself out, but he's not going to do that if he's got his head in the sand as it seems he does.

 

Your ex most likely does NOT have his head in the sand. He is doing exactly what he wants to do, and it sounds like it’s making him very happy. (I am NOT saying he is blameless in this. How he ended things and him coming to you for money for his album is thoughtless and tacky.)

 

So here’s my advice: you must stop thinking that this breakup was some massive mistake that your ex is going to regret and that will screw up his life forever. He ended a relationship that he no longer wanted to be in. Now he has to live his life and you yours. Your thoughts are so focused him- I noticed you started another thread asking if people thought his new relationship would work out.

 

You need to stop thinking about your ex all the time! I would do something physical as well as verbal. Put a rubber band or a ponytail holder around your wrist. Every time you start going down the road of thinking about him or your previous relationship, say to yourself “Stop it!” or “No more!” and snap the band. Refuse to let these thoughts invade your head. Think about something else. Recite multiplication tables or list US presidents in order if you have to.

Take up a new hobby- anything to get your mind engaged. Take tennis lessons. Read Russian novels. Something new- something you don’t associate with him. Fill all the minutes/hours/days you spend thinking about him with thinking about YOU. Plan the trip around the world you’ll take in 5 years. Volunteer somewhere. Get together with friends and watch movies. Get a part time job.

 

One of the hardest but best lessons we learn when we are young is how to recover when things don’t go the way we want. Not getting into our first choice for college. Not getting the promotion we worked for. Being dumped. You have to be able to let go in order to move forward.

Hang in there.

[Javabear]

All of what you have said is very true. And I am doing my best to get out of the mindset I am in. But what about all the stories that exist of people coming back, finding love again and ending up better than before? It was a mistake to read all of those because I guess it's what I'm hoping for... but it does happen, that can't be denied... I guess I just have to assume it won't happen for me so if it does I'll be pleasantly surprised and if it doesn't I won't care? I'm worried I don't have the mental strength to think logically like that all the time and that's what ends up hurting me the most.

[jenny_mcs]

All of what you have said is very true. And I am doing my best to get out of the mindset I am in. But what about all the stories that exist of people coming back, finding love again and ending up better than before? It was a mistake to read all of those because I guess it's what I'm hoping for... but it does happen, that can't be denied... I guess I just have to assume it won't happen for me so if it does I'll be pleasantly surprised and if it doesn't I won't care? I'm worried I don't have the mental strength to think logically like that all the time and that's what ends up hurting me the most.

 

I think SO many factors are against this romantic reconciliation that you're hoping for- your young ages, inexperience, the fact that he has showed zero interest in anything but the most casual and tenuous friendship, the fact that he has a new girlfriend, the fact that you are approaching a huge transitional period in life, etc, etc.

 

You need to move forward as though he is not coming back, because he most likely is not. You are entering a really exciting period of your life. You don't need to be spending your time consumed with an ex-boyfriend who dumped you for some other girl. Time to move on.