Attracted to him but Repulsed by his touch.

[sayer7]

Well I broke up with my ex-bf August 1st for many reasons and I left the relationship with very little self-esteem. One of the big issues was not feeling attractive anymore because of my tumor surgery scar on my belly (I had cancer surgery last February). My ex flat out told me he was no longer attracted to me because of it and that having sex with me was a chore. We never had sex again-- and even before that we only had sex once every 2 or 3 months. I was with him for almost 2 years.

 

Well here it is November. I met and started dating someone new in mid October and he's wonderful, really attractive and accepts me for who I am including my surgery scar. Nothing serious yet, he's taking things pretty slow.

 

The only BIG problem that we've encountered is that when he wants to hold hands or when he's trying to be romantic and cuddle with me on the couch, his touch makes my skin crawl. I'm so repulsed by it I wind up pushing him away and I always feel so guilty about how repulsed I feel.

 

It only happens when he initiates the touching. If I reach out and hold his hand or lean up against him to cuddle on the couch everything's fine I don't feel repulsed. When he initiates the touch I'm repulsed.

 

It's not the way he touches, it's just the fact that I'm being touched...period.

 

How do I get over this repulsion whenever he initates the touch? WHY do I feel repulsed when he touches me in the first place? I'm very attracted to him overall so my reaction to his touch completely confuses me. Do you think it's tied to my self-esteem issues from my last relationship?

 

Any input is welcome.....

[TheIceman]

I think that you may be conscious(sp?) of your scar and everytime he touches you your mind is telling you to pull away so that he doesnt find it, even tho he knows about it, your mind is so conscious of it that it over powers your brain and tells you to take action to avoid it. Im really not sure tho.

[Cadence308]

It sounds like you still have self-esteem issues from your last relationship and understandably so. Your ex sounds like such a jerk! 0X Did you ever receive any kind of counseling during or after your cancer ordeal? If not, you might want to consider it. Going through something traumatic like cancer is hard enough, but then you had a boyfriend who rejected physical intimacy with you because of a scar that you got because of your ordeal.

 

Counseling could help you talk through whatever issues you have about the past and also help you understand why you are so repulsed by your new boyfriend's touch. You were never repulsed to be touched by your previous boyfriend before your cancer ordeal, is that correct?

[sayer7]

True. Intimate touch wasn't a problem until after surgery.

 

I think I might also have abandonment issues because my ex wasn't there to help me before or after surgery( he said it was too stressful and he needed to be with his other friends. When I called he was at the mall/at the bar-- In the meantime I had to drive myself to my pre-op appointments/tests/surgery/talks about chemo/ and arrange for someone I barely knew to drive me home from the hospital after a 2 day post-operative stay). I didn't see my ex until almost a week after surgery when he came with a friend to celebrate my birthday and they left that same night. He knew my parents and other family were in Hawaii or out of town and were relying on him to be there for me. It was a two hour drive out of town for him to see me though cause I had surgery out of town with a specialist.

 

I know I felt abandoned. He didn't show like he told my family he would. Maybe I'm scared to get intimately attached to another person because of that. I know my family was hurt by him.

 

I hate emotional baggage. My new friend is attractive and wonderful and caring and accepting, my parents would like him. But I can't help myself but feel repulsed when he reaches for my hand.

 

It's very frustrating.

[Mun]

Sayer,

I'm glad to hear you are dating someone new. Good for you on moving on in your life.

 

It does sound as though you have lingering issues from the last relationship. Who wouldn't? You went through so much with him and to top things off the surgery was a biggie. He rejected you afterwards, that's enough to scar anyone for life and it's a bigger scar than the physical one you have now.

 

Counseling would be the best way to go here. There are probably lots of emotion bottled up inside you that need to be released. A good therapist will show you how to deal with the past and how to open up to your new man. You owe it to him and most important to yourself.

 

Take care sayer and look out for no.1

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

True. Intimate touch wasn't a problem until after surgery.

 

I think I might also have abandonment issues because my ex wasn't there to help me before or after surgery( he said it was too stressful and he needed to be with his other friends. When I called he was at the mall/at the bar-- In the meantime I had to drive myself to my pre-op appointments/tests/surgery/talks about chemo/ and arrange for someone I barely knew to drive me home from the hospital after a 2 day post-operative stay).

What a f*'ing jerk for doing this to you! He wasn't a true friend in any sense of the word! The nerve of him to say it was too stressful, my God who was going through the surgery and chemo? What a wuss, you're better off without him. And it's a shame because what he said and did during this time has effected you greatly. Lemme ask you a question: Do you feel your ex touching you when your current boyfriend touches you? This is definitely in your head, but to what extent?

 

Maybe the next time he tries to touch you, stop him, sit back, relax and think about why these feelings are surfacing. Try to examine them during the moment while they are fresh in your mind. Dig deep into your head, the truth should eventually come out as long as you go to the root of your feelings.