confusedbf01 Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 Hello everyone, I will try to make this short ( dunno if I will be able to hehe ) I´m 26 years-old and I´ve been dating this girl ( 22 ) for three years now. Great relationship, nothing to complain. Last month, I was looking something in her cell phone and found out that he had been having contact with her ex. (Before you judge me for snooping let me tell you that for this 3 years we never hid ours cells from each other. I could have discovered all this stuff I´m will be telling you ages ago. I did not because I was not interested in snooping her stuff, anyway...) I found out she had beeing in touch with her first boyfriend, first love, first time and all that stuff. The dated when she was a teenager and seemed like the end of the relationship, and the relationship itself was not very good. I told her I knew she had met her boyfriend and she came clean to me. She told she contacted him a few times and that they had met twice. We discussed a lot and I asked her a LOT of questions. She told me when she met him she didnt fell anything ( althought she went to see him to check if she would feel anything) Weeks passed, she left the email acc logged and I snooped. What I realized from what I read was that she seemed to be in doubt. It seemed she was confused a lot. One of the emails, asking for advice on the internet, was something like this: "I have a relationship I have always wanted, but a ex has reappered and is saying that loves me. I dont think it would be worth to drop my current bf to be with him, but whenever Im not with my bf I think of my ex. I would not like to hurt my bf but cant stop thinking about the ex". From the content of the other messages It seemed to me a lot of immatureness. Something like teenagers use to have. Seems also that he wanted to meet him more than he did. Anyway, after that I told her I would want to back-off a little from her and that i didnt know whenever i would talk to her. She went crazy, called me a lot of times and went to my house the next day. We talked and I told her I would keep my decision. I had somedays to think some stuff and after 4/5 days I told her that we would be together. She went NC with the ex too. Things between us got a little stressing. I wanted to know all the details, I used to ask the same stuff from time to time, somedays yes and others no. she keeps saying she loves my and want to be only with me. She says shes sorry and that I didnt not deserved this. Too complicate more, we found out some days later that she was pregnant ( she didnt take her pills while we were not talking to each other, as she told she was thinking anything right that week ). That time my anger and hate towards her subsided. I became more close, and started to see her more often. That same week she had a miscarriaged. i was there all the time supporting her. Althought, I´m still confused. Since I had to, basically, drill most of the information from her through questioning I think she might have not told me all the truth. That she may be hiding something she thinks it might hurt me. From the content of the messages things did not get physical. how do i deal with all this doubt? Somehow seems like we are a lot more close. The doubt does not disturb me this much, but the period of time she might be feeling this yes. She is a very good gf. She was always there when i needed. I have a mild mood disorder and i´m kinda obsessive ( i´m in treatment with a psychologist ). So she was there whever i felt depressed and whenever i need her. I was thinking of a couple therapy ( we r not married or live together but I was planning to engage her this her, which now is on hold ) But i want this to work. I love her and I have never felt that she was not in love with me. thx for you time guys/gals. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 First things first, why were you looking for something in her cell phone? Link to comment
confusedbf01 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Share Posted March 14, 2013 She forget it one day on my house and I went curious. Had never done that before, never wanted to do it. but I dont think thats the most important thing here... Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 She forget it one day on my house and I went curious. Had never done that before, never wanted to do it. but I dont think thats the most important thing here... Actually its very important. It may explain some reasons why she is doubting her relationship with you. Obviously something suddenly lead you to go curious for the first time in 3 years. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 Even in this thread you start off saying "I was looking for something" as if there was a legitimate purpose, but then you reply "I was curious" Link to comment
confusedbf01 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Share Posted March 14, 2013 Well I may have not set some good boundaries in the relationship. A friend picked her in the work for lunch and found it innapropriated ( please, im not freaking jealous ) and I know the guy liked her. If I´d say why I snooped I would say that. I had no ideia she was talking to her... Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 Well I may have not set some good boundaries in the relationship. A friend picked her in the work for lunch and found it innapropriated ( please, im not freaking jealous ) and I know the guy liked her. See now we are getting somewhere. You don't have to be jealous to not accept inappropriate behaviour. So she has lunch dates with other men and talks to an ex about her feelings for him and for you. Is there a pattern of inappropriate behaviour from her, or just these 2 incidents. Link to comment
confusedbf01 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Share Posted March 14, 2013 Sorry for taking so long to answer. I had to rewrite it was not posted! well, appart from that I do not see pattern of inappropriate behaviour from her... he had had lunch with this friend twice. And she had all this story regarding her ex... I can provide any details you need, I had to sum it up or the post would be huuge! btw thanks for you time in answering me! I´ve had other people giving straight advices without analysing the whole situation... Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 Sorry for taking so long to answer. I had to rewrite it was not posted! well, appart from that I do not see pattern of inappropriate behaviour from her... he had had lunch with this friend twice. And she had all this story regarding her ex... I can provide any details you need, I had to sum it up or the post would be huuge! btw thanks for you time in answering me! I´ve had other people giving straight advices without analysing the whole situation... Well if its only this one incident, I think what it comes down to is making peace that she is done with this and its time for the 2 of you to move forward. A counselor can help with that if you two are unable to figure out how, but the biggest thing will be you deciding to put in behind you, not continue to over analyze and obsess on it, and move forward. Link to comment
confusedbf01 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Share Posted March 14, 2013 Well if its only this one incident, I think what it comes down to is making peace that she is done with this and its time for the 2 of you to move forward. A counselor can help with that if you two are unable to figure out how, but the biggest thing will be you deciding to put in behind you, not continue to over analyze and obsess on it, and move forward. Im having a problem with this over analyzing thing... What bothers me is that she thought a lot about the ex... Seems a lot like a childish behaviour. She could have gotten together with him but she didnt. She loved and loved him too? She says know she knows what she wants, that her doubts are gone. But I keep asking myself how can you stop loving someone as fast as that (considering it was love she felt with him...) I really want to give it a try but Im affraid she will get this doubts again and maybe in the future still hold feelings for the ex and then leave for him. I´ve read some stories that ppl never forget the first one, that they will always love then forever. In some cases, ppl married for long periods of time get back together with an ex boyfriend. You may see some thought patterns in my speech... Im already in psychological treatment for a mild mood disorder. I asked the psychologist if it would be helpeful if we had some couple therapy. He said it would act like a catalyst to the process and it could be beneficial. I just dont know how I should tell her that. I think she would agree but I fear she might think we cant solve our problems by our own. thxxx Link to comment
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