:( 2nd Date Night - Feeling Like a Fool

[TwiceBitten]

I have posted a few threads around this forum so won't go into too much detail. My ex-bf and I are 30, were together for 18 months and living together. He dumped me 6 weeks ago due to my insecurity issues that were causing arguments and his father being diagnosed with a terminal illness and it all got too much for him to handle.

 

He started off saying we would be back together once I sorted my issues out which I have been getting counselling for and he agreed to date nights once a week to "start over". But last week at our first date night he said he doesn't want a relationship anymore because of what is going on in his life, but when he is ready and if I am free he will come back to me and he wanted to continue with date nights.

 

So our second date night was last night. I went to his house for dinner. We had fun, relaxed, laughed and there was no talk of "us". My ex asked me why I didn't call him on the weekend and I said it was because I was giving him space like he wanted and I was trying to deal with the fact that he didn't want to be with me anymore and that we would both eventually move on. I regret saying this though because I don't want to move on. I love him and I would like to make us work somehow, hence why I am still agreeing to date nights.

 

Then he asked me to stay the night and I did. A mistake I know. This is why I am now starting to feel silly. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship for at least the next 12 - 24 months, (His dad has been given this long so I can understand) but yet he tells me to invite him out when I want to see him and have dinner once a week and still asks me to stay the night now and again. But when I do try to talk to him or ask him out he either ignores me or he is very short and snappy so I get put off and he hasn't initiated contact in over 2 weeks. My family and friends are now starting to get frustrated with me because they think I am being used and I don't know if I am being used or whether my ex is now depressed and just struggling with everything (he seems it these last 2 weeks).

 

I have every intention of waiting for a little while but I don't think I have it in me to put my life on hold for the next 12 - 24 months, as much as I wish I could for him I am scared of continually being hurt and putting my healing process on hold in the hope that he may come back to me when he is ready. I want to be strong but I am scared of giving up.

[oAllElseFailo]

Say exactly what you said in the very last of your post. The only thing you can do is express how you're feeling. You understand his situation but he has to understand yours.

 

When he asks you to stay the night I'm assuming you guys have sex so.. yes I would say he's using you. Calls you around when he needs you but after he's done then he's done. I mean that sucks about his father but he has to see your side of it.

[RachaelRosen]

You are being used, but it's not in a malicious way. But it's thoughtless and inconsiderate of the person who still wants to be together. This is typical of some dumpers...they want to break up but aren't exactly ready to let you go yet and they act selfish. I think you ought to set up boundaries in your mind where you're broken up, so then treat it like you're broken up, because you are - no staying over, going out once a week, none of that as if you two are actually still together. And being "friends" with an ex after a breakup while you're healing from the ordeal and have feelings just does not work.

 

I also don't think you should put your life on hold for him...I know it's hard and it hurts, and after all is said and done, you may actually not want to be with him again after moving on, which seems like a scary thing to think now...but for your sake you have to do the things now that help you let go and towards the process of eventually moving on. I've had the "But I don't want to let him go" for the longest time with my last breakup, it really sucked. But the hard, sad bottom line is that he chose that he does not want you in his life as his partner anymore, I'm sorry. Take care of you now. Agreeing to these date nights doesn't help "make it work somehow," it keeps you hanging on.

[tmtex]

Like all the above have said

[squirl]

I have posted a few threads around this forum so won't go into too much detail. My ex-bf and I are 30, were together for 18 months and living together. He dumped me 6 weeks ago due to my insecurity issues that were causing arguments and his father being diagnosed with a terminal illness and it all got too much for him to handle.

 

He started off saying we would be back together once I sorted my issues out which I have been getting counselling for and he agreed to date nights once a week to "start over".

 

It sounds like you both agree you need to deal with your insecurity issues. If staying over without a commitment is aggravating your insecurity then you should not do that. It seems hypocritical of him to call you insecure but also have casual sex with you wanting more. You sound like you are ready to acknowledge your role in this arrangement undermining your healing.

 

The irony is, once you are healed of this "insecurity" you probably won't want him any more.

 

Take care of yourself first, then think about a relationship later. Good luck.

[davidg]

I'm really sorry about your situation. It is surely one of the worst feelings that you could possibly experience. I am assuming as well that when you stay overnight, you are having sex with him. You have to STOP that!! If you have ever read any of my posts, my ex wanted to be "friends" after our BU and I bought into it for months hoping for a reconciliation. It gave me just enough hope to not have to face the pain full on. Ultimately it got me nowhere and I went from semi-depressed for months to full on as of about a week ago when she cut it off completely. Trust me, the father's terminal illness more than likely has noting to do with it AT ALL. Now before you jump on that comment, my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 cirrhosis of the liver about 5 months ago. This is also a terminal case and to be honest, I needed my ex more than ever. Everyone is different so I could be wrong but that is how I feel about his father's case. The best thing you can do is force NC. Don't do what I did and allow them to have their cake and eat it to. If he has you whenever he wants, he hasn't lost you which gives him no incentive to really make a decision. You are worth WAY more than that!!! The best thing to do is focus on yourself (physically and mentally) and go NC. You are surely not alone.

[metrogirl]

I told you in your other thread that date nights with him weren't going to be a good idea and for this very reason. He wants to be able to keep you around without the commitment so he can likely explore other options.

 

I'll say it again, you are going to end up completely heartbroken if you continue with this.

[TwiceBitten]

Hi everyone thankyou so much for all your feedback. I think I have to agree with you all now and realise that enough is enough and I can't keep putting myself through this. I am like you davidg where I am starting to experience depression as well and it is affecting my work and my social life as I don't really feel up to doing anything at the moment.

 

I am going to have to enforce NC because I think I am starting to make a fool of myself always initiating contact and trying to organise nights to see each other. He hasn't done any of this for the last 2 weeks. 2 weeks ago his father told him that he shouldn't be in a relationship because his priorities are all wrong and he didn't think we are compatible so now my ex has jumped on the bandwagon of saying that now he all of a sudden doesn't want a relationship when before that conversation with his Dad he was all for trying to work things out.

 

Yep I think it is time for me to just work on myself now. If he really wanted to be with me he would, or he would at least be attempting to contact me which he isn't. It's going to to hurt like hell but I guess it's for the best now