How to let go of a bad childhood?

[turnthepage]

I will keep this simple. I know a lot of people have had a rough childhood, does anyone have any inspiration/motivational tips for letting go?

 

I am 26 now, I feel things should be fine and admittedly some days they feel it, others it all feels so hard.

 

Long story very short: Parents had an abusive, loveless awful, awful marriage. They got divorced when I was 9, my dad went in a mental hospital on suicide watch/rehab and my mum left my sister and I. My sister was 15, she left school to look after me which I'm racked with guilt over. We had debt collectors knocking at the door, we were kicked out by bailiffs, all whilst my mum was off sleeping with guys, moving in with guys, i do not remember seeing her. Post age 16 she has tried to get back in my life and being someone that cares for the family life I have tried to let her but she is honestly the most selfish, manipulative, lazy person I have ever met. I finally see that we have nothing between us. I moved back in with her at 17 as my sister moved in with a boyfriend, but it lasted just 3 months as I found out she'd been putting her bills in my name and I'd been blacklisted. I left school at 14, I was bullied, my sister and I had no money for clothes/shoes. It was a rough time.

 

How do I forget it?

 

I am a strong woman now. I went to college at 23 and got the qualifications I should have got at 15. I then stayed on for 2 years to get entry into university. I am now in a very good university studying Biology and I am getting top marks. I worked full time whilst at college full time so I could learn to drive and pay my rent. I have things to be proud of, yet I still feel a huge void of the missing family. I also struggle financially a lot and things just seem to keep going wrong. I go to a fairly upper class university and I am surrounded by young 18 year olds daily that are having their education handed to them. I do not want this, but again it is childlike but it makes me feel bitter about my past, which I hate.

 

Another thing is that we had a very unhealthy childhood, even when my parents were around we had no money so it was cheaper to eat junk food. I've always been overweight. In the last two years I've decided to lose it, and I've lost 102 pounds (I was very overweight before). I am not bragging here: Just displaying that I am a hard working, strong person so I find this sadness/looming so frustrating. I value how short life is yet I am wasting mine being unhappy..

 

My sister and I are of course extremely close. I feel indebted to her beyond belief. She is stronger than me, has an amazing son and doesn't feel sad over everything too much, another reason I am in awe of her.

 

I often feel profound sadness and crave parental figures. I feel ridiculous not being able to let go of things even though I am a 26 year woman. I have zero desire to have children due to this mess and having insane genes.

 

Just writing away.. anyone that has found any strength in moving on from hard times I would love to know how you did it. I am not religious at all. Anyway writing this has made me feel a little lighter, thanks for listening

[Clio]

I have not had a rough childhood but I have had trouble letting go of past hurts so here are a couple of scattered thoughts anyway. I have been reading a cognitive behavioral psychology author who suggests that our feelings are a product of our thoughts i.e. negative thinking produces negative feelings. In addition it is suggested that the further we think of something bad, the worse we feel. It produces a vicious cycle. The solution is to commit to live in the present moment. I think that you need to build a support network of friends and indulge in some activities that you find joy in. It sounds that you spend too much time alone with your thoughts. You have analyzed the things that went wrong so there is no point in thinking of the past anymore. There is nothing to solve (the past is the past) so no use in thinking about it over and over. Finding things that make you happy and fullfilled would be a better priority. You can then stop your thoughts from getting carried away by redirecting them to something more enjoyable. I suspect that one of the reasons that your sister is not feeling sad is that she has stopped thinking about it and is living in the present moment. If you can get your hands on a book called "You can feel good again" by Richard Carlson you may be able to understand better what I am trying to say. It has been helping me a lot lately. Of course your feelings are perfectly justified but maybe you need to put them in a different perspective. Good luck!

[nutbrownhare]

To be honest, I don't think you'll be able to get beyond such an appalling past without professional help; by expressing all the sadness, anger and loss from your past (in a safe environment), you can be released from its insidious effects. It would be very difficult to do this if you weren't in such a strong position now; you can ground yourself in present-day reality and see the craziness of your upbringing for what it is.

 

You are clearly someone who can deal with anything that life chooses to throw at you, and you can hold on to this now, too. Going either into a therapy group or some other kind of support group can replace the missing family - at least, to the point that you'll be able to move on from the lack of it - and you can replace parental figures with people in here-and-now reality. Once you really take on board that this is a lack in your past, you may well find that appropriate people appear in your life as if by magic; mentors, for example, or friends where there is a significant age gap.

 

Even if you aren't religious, it doesn't stop you developing your spirituality - going for walks and taking in breathtaking scenery, just letting yourself marvel at the wonders of the natural world, letting yourself have fun and laughter - whatever works for you.

 

You say you are in awe of your sister. Having read your post, I'M in awe of YOU! You are a wonderful person!

 

(((HUGS)))

[kittykitty]

Cognitive Therapy for sure.

 

I had a very bad and abusive childhood as well and didn't start dealing with it until I was 27. It took me 3 years to do so and I am so much stronger now. Through learning to accept what happened and realize that it is in the past, that my parents are just imperfect and very damaged people, by breaking myself down and completely rebuilding myself to who I wanted to be and not what other expected of me, being able to forgive and finally just let go and be at peace. My parents are no longer in my life through a choice of my own and I was able to let go of the guilt as well.

 

It's a process, I would suggest professional help. I did it without the help and like I said it took 3 years and I went through every single one of the grieving stages. I imagine if I had seeked some help it wouldn't have taken as long but I didn't know how to reach out at the time.