I can't tell what's real anymore. Suicidal.

[blah009]

I just turned 21 and life has been a hell of a journey. I am not a weak willed person but my life seems like a ****ing joke. I had a terrible childhood, my mom was paralyzed and dad never had time for me. I never complained and adjusted to every hardships alone. Then I met a guy when I was 17 and I thought life is finally good. However, he constantly lied to me about his past and cause me pain. However, I lovde him too much to stay away from him. I was "devoted" to him even dropped out of my university for this man. All I wanted from life after I met him was to be with happily. He said he would change himself, try to be a better person and hurt me less. I lost my virginity to him. At that point I thought we both did LOL but last week I found out he had been cheating on me for the entire 3 years we had been together. THIS WAS THE LAST THING I THOUGHT HE COULD EVER DO. Apparently, he used to get girls drunk and have sex with them. He used to tell me how he has never even seen another naked woman in his entire life and would die before cheating on me LOL. Basically, he cheated on me the entire time we were together. He knew how selflessly I loved him and suffered for him but I never left his side but still he did this. One girl he cheated with, called me and said that it's all he wanted and talked about...he told these girls that I was weak and that I'd die without him but he had absolutely no feelings for me. At this point, I feel so disgusted that I would have rather chosen to be raped than losing my virginity to him. He told me how precious and beautiful it was and that I was an angel in his life, his family and we would marry and live happily forever. I took him to my house, my parents loved him. But I now I feel devastated. All my love is wasted. How am I supposed to cope with such deception. I never caused him any harm, why didn't he leave me i he was getting so much sex? I also found out he is a alcoholic and smoke cigarettes and weed regularly whereas he used to tell me he hates these things. He would tell me how much disgusting the poeple were who'd cheat and have sex with number of women LOL again! At this point, I just want to die cos I am unable to face this reality. What should I do? I just can't deal with this ...all I had for him was love and nothing else. Everything I treasured has been lost. I can't live like this anymore, the thought of him having sex with those unknown faces is haunting me all day and night. I am a broken person.

[Moontiger]

Don't care about the infraction: This guys is a grade A piece of giant dog ****.

 

If you look around ENA you will see you are not alone in being trick by men like this. You can and you WILL find someone better.

 

You difficult childhood plays a huge role in why you stayed with this guy. I highly recommend seeing a therapist and discussing everything with them. Therapy was the best thing I ever did.

[bulletproof]

If you are truly feeling like you might hurt yourself, please try to get some professional help.

 

I think you have an unhealthy view of what love is. It doesn't mean suffering for someone, or not being able to stay away from him. Those are actually traits of obsession with and addiction to someone. All of your love isn't "wasted"- you have plenty to give to anyone. But you have to get mentally healthy first. Also, don't mistake "devotion" with things like dropping out of school. Someone who truly cares for you will want you to do good things for yourself. Ideally, in a relationship both people become better. The goal in a healthy situation is to learn from each other and grow, and encourage and support each other. It doesn't sound like that was what was going on. So take some time for yourself, get help if you can, and figure out why you were okay with a guy who lied, cheated, and overall was not a good boyfriend.

[mountaintop]

The important thing to remember here is that the way your boyfriend treated you has very little, if anything, to do with you. He clearly has some issues of his own. I was in a similar relationship and I can tell you from experience that it is possible to move on and find REAL love again, with an emotionally stable person.

My best advice is to seek psychotherapy from a counsellor, social worker, or psychologist. I found therapy very helpful for me in getting over that relationship, which had also left me in a pretty dark and destructive place. As horrible as my own situation was, 5 years later I now see it with much different eyes and I'm no longer haunted by him. I felt like I was worthless and now I'm very happy in life and I now know what a healthy, stable, honest relationship is like. You will, too, I'm sure of it. It feels hopeless now, but nothing is ever hopeless. Everything that happened with him is over now, all that exists right now is the right now. It sounds corny, i know, but it's true. Those terrible things happened, they're real, but they're not happening to you right now. They already happened. Right now is real, too, and at this very moment those horrible moments in the past are no longer happening, they have passed. It's hard to make a clean break from the past, those painful feelings and memories, but you can move forward and move further away from them and onto better things.

I'd suggest going back to school, making a life for yourself. We can't control other people, but we can control ourselves and make something good with our own life, independent of other people.

*Hugs*