Advice..Totally Confused

[tw89]

I'm 23 and my ex is 21. We were friends first and decided to take the chance and be together. Everything was going great. We got together in May 2012. Aug 2012 we knew that we were really into each other and that we loved each other and that we were each others best friend. We were happy. He is in college set to graduate in August. I am trying to get a good career going. In Dec we talked about moving in together, this coming Sept to try and move forward in the relationship. (I recently moved back home from 2 hours away, he lives where i use to live so it was partially long distance relationship) We went and looked at places to live and everything. After spending a week together during his winter break, and looking for places to live, he went home, everything was going perfect. Until that night, he called me and we were talking about the places we were looking at and getting things together and to my shock after being home for less then a few hours he said we're not moving we arent ready. I was shocked and hurt. But we moved forward with little arguments here and there. Then I received a phone call that my birth control was recalled, so I took a pregnancy test and there it was to our disbelief positive. So after getting over the fact that this was happening things started being normal again. Then on Feb 13 I miscarried, 3 days later Feb 16 I had a break down. To which he replied I'm sick of this **** were done. Because we were friends and didnt want to lose that we continue talking here and there. I found out more things like that he needs time and space to get over things and that he's just not ready for a relationship or to be committed to anyone right now. And that when he was ready he'd tell me and give us another chance before getting with anyone else.

 

So, its that simple, right give him time and space and he'll come around? I thought so to, but WRONG! Here's why. He's sending totally mixed signals about everything, then goes to instantly pissed off and says very hurtful things when I say something about our relationship. He still says he loves me, calls me babe and baby, says he cares about me and still wants us to work. So, we start talking about things and those sweet and caring things go from sweet and caring to were talking too much, i feel like im still in a relationship, i try not thinking about you because the thought of you pisses me off. Neither one of us wants to lose the best friend we had but it seems like there is no more friendship.

 

Today we talked like normal and everything was fine. We even talked about getting back together and that things seem to be better between us. He started getting an attitude (which probably should have been my indication to change subjects) but I did not because deep down we love each other. Until...He told me HE needs to regain his trust in me, so he can trust things will be different this time around as far as picking arguments over nonsense. Well that struck my nerve because I'm not the one who walked away after my girlfriend just lost our baby. It was like a knife through my heart that day. I feel like if anyone needs to regain trust, I should be the one who needs to regain trust in him. Maybe I am a fool, or hopelessly in love BUT if he called right now and asked for me to take him back I would without hesitation. The conversation today was heated and ended up with us telling each other to f off and he hung up on me and will not talk to me at all.

 

The way hes talking is like he thinks that this break will fix everything. That when we get back together we wont have to fix anything and that we will move in together and get married and live happily ever after. I corrected him and said that the longer this goes on the more hurt I get and the more trust I will have to gain in him in order to commit to anything major like living together or marriage or anything. His response was well i guess we shouldn't even bother getting back together again?

 

Mutual friends are saying leave it alone and it will fix itself when things cool down. Is that true? What do I do? Am I being stupid and should just move on with my life? Any advice?

[SapphireNoir10]

First of all I'm sorry for your miscarriage. It must have been tough on you. I think walking away from you when you needed him most wasn't very kind of him but maybe he was having a hard time dealing too so just ran away from it all. It's a lot of stress on a relationship.

 

I think he sounds like he isn't sure what he wants. Give him space and time to decide what he wants to do? In the mean time prepare yourself for the fact he might not come back.

 

It sounds like you both have a lot of issues with eachother and resentment and anger. That needs to be sorted out and subside if you are going to make a go of it. I suppose you could suggest a 'fresh start' at somepoint but at the moment I think you need a cooling off period. Both of you need time to think.

[tw89]

I know that we cant keep going on like this. I am trying to prepare myself for that fact that this is going to hurt either way.

 

I have always said I would never start a relationship with a friend, because it complicates things if the relationship part doesn't work out. I am beginning to think that I should have stuck with it.

 

Its one thing to be able to walk away from a relationship but to have to walk away from both a relationship and one of your best friends is heart shattering. I know that the relationship wasnt great since Jan....but I cant help but think of the good times and thats what I miss. If I was able to focus on the bad this would probably be easier.

 

The thoughts of weekends together, going to amusement parks, walking waterfalls, and the months leading up to our relationship flood my mind and push out the hurtful things that were said and done. We talked everyday, I long for it. I become very depressed when the nightly phone call doenst come.

 

The thing that bothers me the most is that we still love and care about each other. We have both said that we have missed each other. I just don't get his way of thinking.

[SapphireNoir10]

Sometimes you can love someone a lot but not know to communicate etc. I think you two just both need to cool off and then have a big chat about whether you can learn to communicate better and whether you can both let go what has happened in the past and make a true fresh start.