I feel stuck

[clementine]

So, two years ago I moved away with the guy I was dating at the time. That didn't work out and a good friend from home (male) really did a lot to help me through it. He was also going through a break up around the same time, so we talked a lot and tried to cheer each other up. The weird thing about it, is that he had been dating my friend (she broke up with him to date someone else, she was not so great to him) and eventually he ended up telling me that he liked me.

 

At the time, I was certainly not over my break up and felt awkard potentially becoming romantically involved with this person who had dated my friend. So, I said I just couldn't do it. We continued to become closer friends and I know that he still had romantic feelings for me.

 

The whole thing kind of came to head when I finally met someone else I was attracted to and we started casually seeing each other. This upset my friend to no end, even though, he too, had started dating someone else.

 

So we didn't talk for a while, like 6 months or so I'd say and then about a month before I moved back to IL we started talking again. About a month after I'd been back and we'd been hanging out/talking casually, it was clear that a lot of old feelings were still present and I was now finally over old things that would not allow me to act on any feelings I might have had for him before.

 

The problem is, he has a girlfriend, they've been together for over a year and her life is pretty tough. She depends on him for a lot and he says it would ruin her life if he broke up with her. But, at the same time, he does everything he can to not let me end our affair. It's been going on for a couple of months and he says he's neglecting her and she can tell something is strange and he feels stuck and like he can't do what he wants to do. He's said, essentially, that he's staying with her for her, or because he feels like he needs to since she hasn't done anything wrong and is totally innocent in the whole situation. He says he has so much doubt about whether or not he's doing the right thing and reconsiders it daily. But he also says that he wants to be with me. I mean he cries about it all the time. I don't know what to do. He spends so much time talking to me and explaining to me how much he cares about me, and he sees me anytime he can and contacts me as much as possible, multiple times a day usually.

 

I know I should get out of the situation, but he's not making it easy on me. I feel like it's consuming me. My heart breaks either way, he stays with her and let's me go, my heart breaks. He fights to keep me, my heart breaks.

 

Can he really care about me as much as he says he does? Is he in love with her or just guilty? Do I wait to see if he'll break up with her?

 

Any thoughts are more than welcome.

[Princess777]

Been there done that.... his actions are indicating his real feelings, not what he's saying. After all, if you were with someone else, would you break up with them for him, even if it meant hurting someone? Yes, you would, because you love him. He isn't ready to give up what he has for you. There is no question about what is more important to him. You're his dish on the side, I'm sad to say. I played that role that you're playing for over a year once, with the same bullcrap told to me. He never left her, and probably still hasn't. You're only hearing his side of the story, and it's irrelevant anyway because the problem here is that you allow yourself to be attracted to an unavailable person. You crave his approval and dedication over anyone else's, that's why it feels like it is consuming you. I allowed myself to do the same and I lost like 30 pounds from nerves and I wasn't even overweight. Now I wish I'd never met him because I know now that he was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Tell him to pretend like you never met and never speak to him again. That's what I did, now don't you think if the guy really loved me he would have chased after me? I didn't hear another peep out of him because he was a player. You're being played, sadly. I'm sorry. Please get out NOW. You will regret it if you keep this up, I promise.

[Mun]

The best way to get him to make a decision is to make it for him. Of course this means he could stay over there, and from the way things are, he may.

 

You should stick up for yourself and not put up with this anymore. Pay attention to what he does not what he says. No matter how much he is holding on to you he is still holding on to her too. Why should he change things if they seem to be working for him?

 

Be strong, it won't be easy, but grab a hold of your self-respect and walk away with your head held high. Nobody should ever settle for second best. You deserve more girl.

 

Good luck