Thoughts on things please....

[Robin2904]

So my back story is really long and I won't bore you with the whole thing. We broke up about 2 years ago. Over those two years it hasn't been a straight break. We would come in and out of each others lives many times. He dated others, I tried to date and just move on with things. We hadn't spoken for 8 months at one point and there we went again in each others lives. We were in touch for about a month and a half and it was the closest we had gotten since we had broken up. At first he told me he wanted to try things again for real 'all or nothing' but then he went back on it and said we should take it slow, and honestly I just felt like it was headed no where. I guess I understand not rushing into things given our crazy history, and I think he got scared. I mean it was the closest we had been since the breakup- he began telling me he loved me again, we would talk every day, there was still something there between us that I hadn't felt in a long long time- but it still felt like it wasn't headed anywhere and I felt lead on and a bit hurt. I felt like he wanted me but didn't want to commit- and this has been something that has gone on with us for a LONG time. So after a month and a half I walked away. He was surprised and said he didn't want that, but he let me go and said he respected my decision. In a way I wish he would have fought for me and proved he cared. It made me feel like maybe he really didn't care as much as I did and I felt like I made the right choice.

 

Still its been rough, and I got attached to him again in my life. I wrote a letter recently just trying to express all my feelings and emotions. Part of me really wants to send it, but I think its too deep and I think that in the back of my mind I'm hoping it will jar him into realizing some things. I don't know, but I feel like I left things unsaid that I want to say, and I just don't want to leave them unsaid. I know when in doubt that should mean no, and I'm quite sure I'm going to get a bunch of 'no's' here lol, but do you think I should send something? The fact I left so much unsaid is just unsettling to me.

 

And do you all honestly think I was right to walk away? Or should I have stuck it out a little longer and tried to take things slow? At first my gut told me I did the right thing, but now I'm over-analogizing and thinking because of our history slow was smart and I could have tried a little longer...but I just felt like we weren't moving forward at all. I don't know, I hate over thinking lol

[pl3asehelp]

I can't think of any reason not to tell him what you have to say.

[Stay_home]

It's difficult to say whether or not you should've stayed or went because I don't know the background of your relationship. But from what you've provided it sounds as if this situation was the typical, the things dear to you were not exactly dear to him; compatibility issues maybe? If so, then I'm not sure reconciling will workout because the problems are still existing. Sometimes it feels like just getting back together will help but in the long run it doesn't if the same thing that broke you apart is still in the mix.

 

If you send something, tell him that you're sorry things didn't workout but you think it's best you should move on because of A...B... and C.

 

If you both decide to get back together....once again.... then you need to establish once and for all that this is a last shot deal. There are no more nine lives to expend. Meaning that if it takes couples-therapy, escaping to a far away couples retreat to help rekindle the magic once lost, whatever, then it needs to get done. The problem I find with this strategy, however, is that typically only ONE person really wants it. And you can't build a successful relationship with a tire that has no air.

[squirl]

I don't think you should send the letter. It all sounds very heavy. If the problem was that he got scared and couldn't commit, sending an intense letter may not be the best move.

 

See if he will even see you. If he will, calibrate what you share to see if he's even willing to address starting up again. But I doubt dumping all your feelings into a letter will make him less scared.

 

Do you have fun with him? If you start over, can you pace it so that you can get comfortable together over a period of months?

[FreeFallFeelin]

"Over those two years it hasn't been a straight break. We would come in and out of each others lives many times."

 

This to me says it all. If after two years you two still weren't able to make it stick, it probably isn't going to happen, ever. You can try and force it, but doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, is the very definition of insanity (according to Albert Einstein).

 

The fact that there has always been a "next time" may have given your bf the sense that he can come and go, play the field and play with you, without there ever being the real threat that there would ever be a cap put on it. This may very well be why he seemed so excited to get back with you and then turned cold. He got what he wanted too easily, so it has little value to him.

[ChewyC]

He probably didn't "fight" for you cos he was scared of pushing you even further away.

 

I'm not so sure about the letter. If you have things you want to get out, I'd try to get them out in all honesty, but I suppose it does depend on the things.

 

And were you right to walk away? Hmm. You could have stuck it out longer, but if you didn't feel like it was gonna go anywhere, would there have been a point? I think the fact that you couldn't see it going anywhere shows that you didn't really want to try, so considering that, I'd say you were right to walk away.

[offplanet]

You didn't just imagine his lack of desire to commit to you. Don't forget that, as that's the important issue. And he didn't fight for you, remember that. Therefore you did the right thing, and it was based on a sound instinct. I don't think sending a letter would 'jar' him into realizing anything. You and he have had enough time to find out if he wanted the commitment or not.

[Try2bhappy]

Trust your instinct ... I think you did the right thing. Yes, you could have stayed and tried to work things out but I think you already have your answer when you said things are not moving.

 

I would say send the letter if you want but prepare for the answer ... would you be hurt even more if the answer /reaction is not what you expect it to be?

[Robin2904]

Thanks for your reply! Its been so long sometimes I forget exactly why we didn't work out to be honest lol. There were a lot of reasons. We had issues when were together because of his mother (who now pretty much adores me, so that hadn't been an issue in a very long time) we initially broke up because of that but 'got back together' for a while unofficially, but he was scared to recommit because he was afraid of getting hurt again- things were never exactly the same after that and we got way off track and they fizzled. It wasn't very cut and dry to be honest. While we did have compatibility issues (we are complete opposites) I'm not sure if those were our main issues. But there were other issues in the relationship- trust issues with things he did to me. He didn't cheat, but there were other girls he talked to and I found out and it was very painful and I lost trust in him. After that things really fell apart and that was the beginning of the end. He still know that I think and even this last time when we reconnected he talked about how that haunted him how much he hurt me and he wished he could take it back, so I do feel like he was sorry for everything.

 

I told myself that this past time was the last time. I can't keep doing this merry go round with him. And i even told him as I was leaving when I called things off 'This has to be the last time. We can't keep doing this.'

[Robin2904]

I can't think of any reason not to tell him what you have to say.

 

I guess just fear of making myself look stupid and vulnerable

[Robin2904]

I don't think you should send the letter. It all sounds very heavy. If the problem was that he got scared and couldn't commit, sending an intense letter may not be the best move.

 

See if he will even see you. If he will, calibrate what you share to see if he's even willing to address starting up again. But I doubt dumping all your feelings into a letter will make him less scared.

 

Do you have fun with him? If you start over, can you pace it so that you can get comfortable together over a period of months?

 

You may be right, what I said was very heavy and I think it could probably be too much for him.

 

As for seeing him, we live in different states, I don't think I would go see him again at this point because I would have to stay with him and I don't think he would even want that at this point. I've been thinking about just texting him and asking to talk, but I'm just really worried about looking stupid and vulnerable. We last saw each other in the beginning of January and spoke a few weeks after that on the phone for the last time. He said he wanted to speak once more when I left there just to get things cleared between us. Then when I went home I asked him if he still wanted to speak- because HE was the one who asked me to- and he said yes, but kept shooting me down to talk. I had left my scarf at his house and that was pretty much the only reason we wound up speaking. He kept putting me off, and finally I send him a rather short text saying 'I really would like my scarf' and we almost got into an argument, but I feel like if I didn't press him he never would have spoken to me at all. I wanted to have that talk to get closure and clear the air. I asked him what he wanted to talk about, because he was the one who had asked to talk and he said he wanted to ask me if I ended things because there was someone else. That was pretty much it. I said no, and the usual awkward 'Hope your well' talk ensued and that was it. He sent my scarf about a week later and haven't spoken since.

 

So I'm really scared to even try and text him because I don't want to look stupid and have him shoot me down. Knowing him he'll say sure but that he's busy and put me off until I give up. I know that's his way of saying he doesn't want to talk.

 

I did have fun with him, we had some very good times even this last time we were together. I know that I was probably one of the only people in his life to actually get him and know him- his family has even told me that, and he told me he's told other exes they would never know him like I did. I don't know. It's hard to pace yourself when we had a long distance thing. We never really dated, or could go out once a week- it was always like we lived together when we saw each other which made it hard to pace things and take them slow.

[Robin2904]

Yea, I tell myself that too. After two years, how long can you keep trying before you realize that this is not suppose to be? I've often repeated that quote to myself too lol

 

And I think that was something that has always been in the back of his mind- 'there will always be a next time'- mine too actually. Though when we didn't speak for over 8 months I began to think that that was the last time. I do think I gave into things too easily. He messaged me on facebook and I didn't see it for over a month (I don't go on facebook anymore) I randomly checked it one day and I saw his message. He basically said he saw some old friends of mine- who I have not spoken to in about 6 months (for other reasons) and they said they hadn't heard from me. So he messaged me to see if it was okay (it was after a bad hurricane we had here on the east coast) I messaged him back, and all of a sudden we were talking on the phone, reconnecting and then I was making plans to go see him and see what would happen. He said all these things like how much he missed me, how a part of him would never get over us and how he wanted to really try again 'all or nothing' then after I got there he began to change his tune and he admited to me he wasn't sure if he was ready to give up being single again. I personally felt like he's always been scared to recommit because he felt like I was, over all the other girls he's had in his life- the good one, the one you want to settle down with and if we dated again that would be it. He couldn't explore his freedom. I think he wanted to get things out of hid system first- but that could just be me reading way too much into things.

[Robin2904]

He probably didn't "fight" for you cos he was scared of pushing you even further away.

 

I'm not so sure about the letter. If you have things you want to get out, I'd try to get them out in all honesty, but I suppose it does depend on the things.

 

And were you right to walk away? Hmm. You could have stuck it out longer, but if you didn't feel like it was gonna go anywhere, would there have been a point? I think the fact that you couldn't see it going anywhere shows that you didn't really want to try, so considering that, I'd say you were right to walk away.

 

I wonder that too. I don't know though. I mean he said he didn't want it, but respected my choice. He didn't seem as upset as I was, because even though it was my choice I was still very emotional and him being calm kind of hurt me. But he has always been the type to keep things close to the vest.

 

I think I'm rethinking the letter now. But I do have things I want to say.

[squirl]

You may be right, what I said was very heavy and I think it could probably be too much for him.

 

 

So I'm really scared to even try and text him because I don't want to look stupid and have him shoot me down. Knowing him he'll say sure but that he's busy and put me off until I give up. I know that's his way of saying he doesn't want to talk.

 

You don't know that until you try. I think you should call him and be honest. If he's not there, leave him a message telling him that you have some things you want to tell him and ask if you can talk sometime. Then you have to wait.

 

The reason I say this is because sending it in a letter just takes more time and creates more possibilities for misunderstanding. At this point, if you want to actually live in the same place with him, you'd have to start building your rapport back up. Let him do 50% of the work, but you have to meet him halfway.

 

Good luck.

[Robin2904]

You didn't just imagine his lack of desire to commit to you. Don't forget that, as that's the important issue. And he didn't fight for you, remember that. Therefore you did the right thing, and it was based on a sound instinct. I don't think sending a letter would 'jar' him into realizing anything. You and he have had enough time to find out if he wanted the commitment or not.

 

Yea your right. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but I think he got scared and realized he didn't want to settle down yet. He basically admited to me he wasn't sure he was ready to give up being single yet. He had just moved out on his own for the first time, I think he wanted to be a 'bachelor' for a while, but I do think he was conflicted because he DID want me there too. I think he was afraid he would get back with me and never get to really explore those things. We just watched his sister and her boyfriend- who had been together 6 years and who we all thought were going to get married (high school sweethearts) break up because she felt they hadn't had enough time apart and needed to explore themselves on their own. Having time to reflect on things I think he wanted to explore those things on his own before getting into something serious. Still though, can't have it both ways.

 

I wish we could have talked about these things more because if it was something like that maybe we could have agreed to just take some time apart with out ending things forever. Revisit things in a few months, see where we are. I don't know, I'm so mixed up!

[Robin2904]

Trust your instinct ... I think you did the right thing. Yes, you could have stayed and tried to work things out but I think you already have your answer when you said things are not moving.

 

I would say send the letter if you want but prepare for the answer ... would you be hurt even more if the answer /reaction is not what you expect it to be?

 

Thank you.

 

And I don't know if I'm ready for the answers I'll get- that's whats holding me back. If I get a cold reaction from him it really will hurt me. So I'm not sure. I almost feel like it would be better to send it and then just block him from every mode of communication because if he doesn't come back with something I want to hear I don't think I can handle it so I think I would rather not know at all lol

[ChewyC]

I wonder that too. I don't know though. I mean he said he didn't want it, but respected my choice. He didn't seem as upset as I was, because even though it was my choice I was still very emotional and him being calm kind of hurt me. But he has always been the type to keep things close to the vest.

 

I think I'm rethinking the letter now. But I do have things I want to say.

 

Yes us men do keep things close to our chest a lot, and also, we tend to be idiots! But just remember, you didn't think it'd go anywhere, so there was no real point in trying again. Well if you're not going to send the original letter, perhaps write a less full on one to send

[Robin2904]

You don't know that until you try. I think you should call him and be honest. If he's not there, leave him a message telling him that you have some things you want to tell him and ask if you can talk sometime. Then you have to wait.

 

The reason I say this is because sending it in a letter just takes more time and creates more possibilities for misunderstanding. At this point, if you want to actually live in the same place with him, you'd have to start building your rapport back up. Let him do 50% of the work, but you have to meet him halfway.

 

Good luck.

 

I see your point about the letter. Your right, written word is hard to missunderstand. My problem is I have such a hard time expressing my feelings out loud some times. And now the fact I'm terrified about talking to him only compounds it. I'm so afraid of how this could go

 

I definitly have some things to think about and I need to decide if my need to get things off my chest and see what happens out weighs my fear of rejection and dissapointment. I feel like I've laid myself out there on the line before with him and got my heart stepped on with combat boots, so I'm pretty scared to do it again, especially when I think he's probably going to shoot me down.

 

I lied- I forgot I texted him about a month ago just to see how he was and how everything was going. I had a lot going on in my life and just missed him. And though he was nice, I felt like he didn't really want to talk.

 

Me: Hey I'm sorry if this is weird but I just wanted to see how you have been

Him: Aw I'm good how are you?

Me: I'm good just been busy. Sorry just some times I miss our friendship I guess.

Him: No no no, don't be sorry. Me too.

 

That was it. I'm sure he's being cautious because I was the one who walked away from things. Ugh I'm just so mixed up and confused!

 

Thank you for the reply! And thank you all for replying and for the advise! I have a lot to think through.

[pl3asehelp]

I guess just fear of making myself look stupid and vulnerable

 

That's never a good reason for not doing something. Don't let that get in your way.

[Robin2904]

That's never a good reason for not doing something. Don't let that get in your way.

 

Thanks for the advice. I think I need to think some things through. It's funny when I first came here I was sure everyone would say not to contact him (because that seems to be the theme here lol) but I've gotten mixed replies. I think I need to just think about things a little more.

 

I appreciate everyone's replies and insight!

[Ms Darcy]

I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but I think he got scared and realized he didn't want to settle down yet. He basically admited to me he wasn't sure he was ready to give up being single yet.

 

I remember saying something like this in a thread of yours a year ago ... "This is the classic in and out guy. He cares about you but he doesn't see you as THE ONE to commit to."

 

Robin you are wasting your time. You can spend forever going back and forth with a guy like this.

 

My advice. No letters. No more 'revisiting.' No more tries. No more him.

 

I would suggest that you read this: link removed

 

In that post, the wise author says: "What it is a sign of, is that when they go through their mental Roladex of who is most likely to still hold them in high regard because they’re living in the past, they think of you. They tend to get in touch after they’ve hurt someone else, so that you can pump them up and give them a clean bill of health, like “Look, I’m not that bad! My ex who I’ve effed over a few times will still give me the time of day!” Then they launch themselves into their next relationship.

 

You have an opportunity. Use it well. You can draw a line under this and handle them with the high esteem you only wish you could have had the last time, or you can go for a repeat. You can give them all the power for how your life will be, or you can grab it back. Remember that nobody can breeze up in your life time and again and wreak havoc in it without your consent. They will stop contacting when you stop engaging because you’re no longer granting them access."

[natinati78]

"You didn't just imagine his lack of desire to commit to you. Don't forget that, as that's the important issue. And he didn't fight for you, remember that. Therefore you did the right thing, and it was based on a sound instinct. I don't think sending a letter would 'jar' him into realizing anything. You and he have had enough time to find out if he wanted the commitment or not. "

 

I must agree with offplanet...

 

As much as it hurts to accept, I think you know that he is not committed. If you send a letter, chances are he will come back thinking he's still got you but when it comes to sticking it out, he doesn't seem to have a very good track record. I have sent my fair share of letters to my recent ex over the course of our two years because I needed him to know how I was feeling... It would help for the short term but never the long term... I am truly sorry to say that the best thing you could do is save the letter... If he comes around on his own terms (without you calling) and wants to try again, maybe (if you feel it is still relevant) then you can share it with him... I read something once that has stuck to me... If you really want to get back together with an ex, you need to say goodbye to the old relationship... That relationship was broken and that's why it ended so if you really want it to work you need to let go of the past (and maybe even him for awhile) and start again with a NEW relationship...

 

good luck! I hope it works out however you wish it...

[Robin2904]

That was rough to read, but I don't disagree. Reading that post was pretty much exactly what I've gone through with him. Each time he's come back (Probably 4 or 5 times) I've told myself I wasn't going to give in to things but always did. This was actually the first time I was the one to walk away. I do think deep down I know this will never go anywhere and he will just always do this to me indefinitely. It hurts a lot, and I WANT to believe otherwise but my gut really doesn't think he'll change. My heart still wants to though.

 

Thank you for that article. I don't want to be his fall back girl. It really hurts me a lot to think that's what I am