Obsessed??

[Queen_Midas]

Hi guys,

 

I've written about my crush dilemma, but now I'm wondering whether I'm taking it too far..my friends are sick of me talking about it etc.. Am I obsessed? I mean I go on fri nites to volunteer just to see him..and I think about it all tjhe time.. I'm not usually a boy crazy type person, this is the first time i've ever acted like this (i'm 21).. Want your opinions on whether I should grow up and try and get on with other things as well or is it healthy to be this consumed by a crush??

 

Thanks,

Qm.

[Mun]

Hi Queen_midas,

You would know the answer to your question best of all. I would like to ask you something that might help you figure it out though :

 

Does your crush consume most of your time and has this affected other aspects of your life? By this I mean, have you stopped functioning or wanting to do other things that are not related to him?

 

There is nothing wrong with having a crush and caring for someone, but if we are neglecting ourselves because of it, then it can be a very negative thing. It can be quite destructive if we let it take over.

 

Your friends are already having issues with this, so that might be a sign that it is time for you to relax a bit and do other things beside think and talk about him 24/7.

 

I know how it is when you like someone --so good luck with that

[estella]

hey QM-you know what?

Im the same age as you and MY friends think im obsessed too. Its not particulary healthy...but hey, if you like someone, you like someone. Its not like one day you decide 'i dont like them' and poof! its all gone! Wouldnt that be nice?

 

I honestly have no advice...i wish i knew if this whole crush thing is normal too...just decided to send a nod of empathy your way!

 

What muneca said made me think tho-i think deep down you know its kinda getting ridiculous but...as i said, what can you do? Sometimes time changes nothing at all...

 

stel

[bat_grrl]

Muneca made a great point. Infact, that post made me think a lot about my curren relationship. It is difficult as it is and LDR (logn distance relationship). He is in PA and I am in Toronto.

 

I have found that I am spending most of my time thinking abut him and working my life around talkign to him online, constantly checkign for emails and such. If he isn't online when he says he is going to be, I don't get an email or I don't get to talk to him for a day, I start worrying and things start going through my head.

 

For example, he didn't come online last night liek he said he would. I called his house and no one answered, so I left a message. I got no email last night or this morning. So, of course I start questioning things. I obsess about it all night.

 

The thing that bothers me the most is that it seems that before I went out to see him in October, we talked almost everyday. I was always getting emails from him. Now things have slowed down a bit. I know he loves me. I know he wants to be with me. Why am I worrying?

 

I think the key word here is obsess. It is one thing to love someone, love their company and want to be with/around them. It is one thing to want to share part of your life with them. It is something completely different to turn over your entire day to thoughts and actions that totally envolve this person.

 

Funny though, I can rationalize what I am doing and logically understand if I keep this up, not only will I create an unhealthy atmosphere for myself, I will probably run him off as well. Emotionally, that is another story...

[Queen_Midas]

Thanks guys,

 

I agree Estella - you can't just turn your feelings off.. I have tried multiple times..but if I'm honest with myself I'm enjoying it all too, cos it's something interesting to brighten up my day..

 

Anyways thanks for the support guys!!

 

Talk to you later,

QM

[Celadon]

Hi QM, I really relate to this issue. I think sometimes crushes CAN get too obsessive, and when that happens, you need to get a dose of reality. Otherwise, take it from me, you end up wasting your precious time and energy.

 

Two examples. I have a friend who falls hard for guys, then allows the crush to have a life of its own. A few of them have gotten married, and boy, was she hurt when that happened. I hated to see her go through that. Moreover, she hasn't really dated much, because she only wanted to be with her crushes (which didn't happen, unfortunately).

 

Then there's me. I also wasted months of my life having crushes. In fact, I'm trying to "shut down" one crush right now, because I just learned that he's into someone else. Does it hurt? Heck yeah! Do I *want* to shut it off? Well, this afternoon at work I found myself thinking about him, so I guess it's going to take some effort. But then I thought about him and how he likes this other girl, and I realized I'm not being realistic.

 

Crushes are fun for awhile. But at some point, I think you either need to get to know the guy (that is, date him) or give up on him. Because if you don't, you just start spinning fantasies about him in your head.

 

So, I'd say, I know totally how you feel. But consider listening to your friends. My friends are telling me to MOVE ON. It's hard to hear, but I think they're right. Sigh!

[bat_grrl]

It is hard. Emotions aren't like a water faucet, we can't just shut them down when we want to. Especially when things are strong. I am trying to learn this with my realtionship and it is becoming very difficult. I try to keep myself busy and not worry about things and plan my life around when I am going to be with him or talk to him next. However my heart and my head don't always meet at the same place.

 

I am afraid that my "obsession" is going to ruin my realtionship. I don't want to appear too clingy or needy to my bf. I think that will not only push him away further but he will lose some sort of respect for me knowing in the back of his mind that I am revolving much of my life around him. Where is the thrill of the chase and of holding on to things when it is always there waiting for you?

 

It is hard though. Very hard. I just wish that he was as "into" me as I was into him. We are two different people however, and I need to come to terms with that. If I don't, well things may not last.

 

I need to try to stay busy and focus on other things. Easier said than done however.

[Celadon]

I just wish that he was as "into" me as I was into him. We are two different people however, and I need to come to terms with that. If I don't, well things may not last.

 

I hope things work out for you, bat_grrl. My last boyfriend wasn't that into me, or maybe he was just too immature. But it did really hurt me that he didn't have as strong feelings for me. So, now I'm looking for a guy who'll be into me like I'm into him. That will make me happier in the long run, I think. Good luck to you!

[bat_grrl]

Yes, you are right. I have told him how I feel and I don't know if it is getting through. I haven't talked to him since Tuesday as he has been so busy. we are supposed to talk tonight but I will see if he rally shows. If he doesn't, that will tell me volumes of how he really feels for me. If he doesn't meet me here like he promised and talk to me aboutour issues and follow through, then I have to cut my losses now.

[estella]

hey bat_grrl: i have this guy who wont tell me if he wants me or not. I already told him how i felt and now he's just avoiding the issue altogether. I just want a 'yes' or 'no' but sometimes...you cant get that.

 

I also set up a time to meet and talk but it didnt exactely go according to plan. He didnt seem to care as much me, but he wont say it or admit it.

 

Hope things work out a lot better for you.

stella

[bat_grrl]

Why do relationships have to be so difficult?!

 

We talk about things and he promises he will start trying to let me know when he isn't going to be online, if I promise not to keep getting upset if he isn't at the computer every night. He promised to email me more often. He promised things haven't changed between us and he loves me as much as ever, but that he is feeling a bit like he can't do anything but be online with me. So we decided to both give a little. I have been doing good about not revolving my life completely around him. Yet, the very night after we have our talk, he doesn't show up online and he hasn't emailed me all day.

 

Am I expecting too much? He did say that sometimes things come up and he just isn't going to stop what he is doing to turn on the computer and email. Not that he isn't thinking about me but that he jsut doesn't want to feel like he has to spend all day waiting for me to be online...like I do him...He said he was losing himself always feeling lonley for me and doign nothing but being on IM to me every night for the last two months. he was losing his friends and everything. Now I feel like I am nto important.

 

I don't know if I am still obsessing or what. I am not going to email him tonight. I emailed him already today and didn't get a reply. He may not have been home much. I think he could take the time for a 10 second email but I guess not. However he said he would start..When?

 

Am I being irrational?

[Celadon]

bat_grrl, I know exactly how you feel. I have done the same with past relationships, and even just with crushes that I've had. I would e-mail him, and then I would keep checking for a response. Then if he didn't respond, I'd be all disappointed. Is that about how you feel?

 

What I finally learned is that *this isn't healthy*!!! In fact, it's almost like an addiction. It's not all your fault, but it IS a situation I would encourage you to change. For your own sake.

 

I think I already said that you want to be going out with someone who is as INTO you as you are to him. Okay, so that's one guideline.

 

BUT, the other thing is this: If you keep centering your whole life around him YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE HIM. Why? Because the truth about relationships is that no guy wants to be going out with a girl who has nothing more interesting to do than wait for him to show up, call, email or IM. Seriously, that's the truth.

 

Being close to your bf/gf is important. But so is being an interesting person. If the whole relationship revolves around the question "Do you love me?" - that gets really old really fast. A relationship is a place to learn about each other and where you can tell each other about new things and experience new things together.

 

Try to think of it this way: Each IM or e-mail is NOT a sign of whether he likes you or not. It's just part of your relationship. Instead of making conclusions about everything he does or doesn't do, just chill out a bit.

 

This is what I'm trying to improve at. Don't react to everything. If you expect him to be somewhere (like online) just because you are online, and he's not, don't freak out and think, "OH NO! HE's out dating someone else!" or "He must not love me!" -- just think, "Hunh, okay, he's doing something else. Let's see what will happen tomorrow." In other words, think a little bit long term, not minute by minute.

 

Last thing I'll say: If you think it's important that you have a bf who communicates with you every day, then maybe you should not be going out with this guy. For me, that would be really important in a serious relationship. But if you can manage to go for a couple days without hearing from him, and meanwhile do your own thing, then keep going out with him, try to have your own life, and see what happens.

 

I hope this helps. Like I said, I really know what you mean and I've thought about this issue a lot because I sometimes still struggle with it. So let us know how things go.

[bat_grrl]

K8tie,

 

You don't know what a help your post has been. When I read it, it was like you read my mind. Your advice was right on target. You told me things that logically I knew, yet emotionally I was not wanting to see. I am printing your advice out and when I start feeling liek I have been and getting ready to slip into old patterns, I will read it before I act.

 

When I didn't hear from him at all last night, right after our talk we had and then didn't get an email from him from work today, I got upset and felt that nothing we had talked about and decided on mattered. I was really depressed and was wondering if it was better for me to end it rather than keep being hurt.

 

Then I read your post this afternoon. When you said IM's and emails are not an indication of how much he loves me, I just sat back and felt as if a lightbulb had been turned on. You are right. Just because I am/was willing to centr my life around doing these things, doesn't mean he has to. we have two different lifestyles. He has all of his friends around, he works full time....I work part time from home and have moved here not too recently ago and I don't really know anyone. Plus I have two children. It is more difficult for me to go out. I cannot expect him to change his life to suit me.

 

i can't expect him to find me interesting if all of our conversations center around "Where were you last night?" "Do you still love me?" over and over. I know him well enough that if he didn't love me or didn't want this he just would break it off.

 

I can't expect him to respect me if I am doing nothing but live my life for him. I have dated guys like that and eventually I did lose respect for them and they got boring and I lost interest. I don't want to become like that.

 

I also started going to school part time, just one class, but it is something and this certification may mean a job outside the home. Working part time from a home office gets old (to me anyway) I need outside stimulation and I need to make friends. This will be good for me and allow me to have something that not only takes my mind off of what he is doing or why isnt he online/emailing but will allow me something of "my own" beyond him.

 

Again thank you so much for your advice and support. I am sure I will find myself occasionally slipping back into old patterns or feeling insecure, but when I do, I will post about it for some support or a good swift kick in my obsession

[Celadon]

bat_grrl,

 

You're welcome, but you know what? Your post also helped me! When you wrote about how you and he have two different lifestyles, it reminded me of something called love languages. Heard of those?

 

Supposedly, people understand and give love differently. Some people like words, others gifts, other people like acts of service, other people go for physical affection, others just want quality time.

 

So, even if it seems natural to some of us that "If you love me, you'll e-mail/IM/call/see me," that's not how everyone feels. It may not seem as important to your guy to be in constant contact with you, because his love language is gifts (for example).

 

Anyway, I just thought of that because there's a guy I'm interested in and was hoping to get an e-mail from him today - but I didn't. (See, I need to take my own advice! ) Your post reminded me that not everyone sees e-mail or IMing as the end-all-be-all of relationships.

 

Take care!

[didyoumissme]

How do you get over your obsession? I heard it wasn't easy..

[bat_grrl]

I am still slowly learning. I started school part time, so that has been a wonderful distraction. When I am busy, I don't worry about things as much.

 

We spent a lot of quality time in IM last night and talked about my next visit out there and such. He said he was proud of me for not "getting all paranoid" last time he wasn't online. He told me in advance that he wasn't going to be online this Wednesday. This was all I asked for, that he let me know, if he could, if he wasn't going to be around. Now he hasn't shown up tonight, he said he would, but you know, I am okay with that today.

 

I will hang out here for a bit longer, finish my homework and if he comes online fine, if he doesn't fine. I will get done what I need to do and probably head to bed. I did find myself slipping into old patterns temporarily as it seems every Tuesday and Wednesday he isn't around. So I start to wonder...That is just silly.

 

Right now, I have to take it one step at a time. I am so thankful for this place and everyone's advice. I don't know what I would do without it.

[pure_water]

Thinking of someone all the time or going places just to see them is not obsession. Obsession is negative thoughts, controlling thoughts, anything that is destructive that you cannot get out of your mind. Such as - kidnapping a person, murdering, raping, stalking etc... I have been away from somone I truly loved for two years, I think about them every day, am I obsessed? No, its just the true love I had for that person will never go away. So don't think of yourself as obsessed, you just like the person a great deal.... Its normal