Is it time? Please help...

[Jack123abc]

Hi All,

 

Thanks again for offering your opinions as I do value them.

 

Ok background to my story can be found in my previous threads (see my started threads) but quick background for those not wanting to read these threads: Broke up 4 months ago, very limited contact up until we had a coffee catch up start of Dec which went ok but (upon reflection) was too soon after break up.

 

So the break up happened 4 months ago, other than whats in the above posts I've invited her to a xmas drink which she declined as it was too soon after the previous coffee catch up but she was keen to catch up after more time had passed. The only other contact since then was a bday sms (month ish ago) from me to her (just happy birthday hope you have a good day) which I did not receive a reply.

 

So over the past couple of months my views on the whole break up have really shifted from I'm going to get this girl back and do whatever to do so...to lets see what happens ... time will tell. My emotional investment in the outcome is significantly less than the last catch up. Don't get me wrong I'd love to repair things with her but know that whatever happens I'm going to be fine either way.

 

So whats changed for me in the past couple of months? I've gone back to kickboxing and am really enjoying it again. Going to the gym regularly and just really relaxing and not taking things so seriously. Going out with friends and having a good time. Previously I did these things (including NC) with the goal of impressing the ex and using this as ammunition to get her back. Now I'm doing these things because I enjoy them, make me feel and look good. This change of attitude has really changed my success with girls etc as well. Recently, I've had girls approach me asking if they can buy me drinks, asking to come meet their friends etc. In the past 2 months I've been on somewhere between 20-30 dates. This brings me to my questions..

 

Many of the girls I meet become very emotionally attached very quickly, including crying after 2-3 dates, FB fights between girls etc (generally no intimacy as I don't do that until I really like someone) about wanting to be exclusive etc which causes me concern (which means I end it), I'd prefer to really get to know someone before committing. My friends think the stories are really funny because I seem to meet some really "interesting" people but its actually causing me great concern / upset. So I sit here today not really having anyone that I'm really interested in (after 20-30 dates)???? ... So I've started pushing back and saying no to dates?? Thoughts? Maybe I'm not ready and giving these girls a fair chance? This could be push-pull in action... in that I'm subconciously unavailable and this makes them try harder??

 

The ex... recently in the last week I've really had this urge/feeling like I want to catch up with her again.... don't think she will or that it will lead anywhere (don't even know if shes seeing anyone) but really want to contact her again. I'm forcing myself not to and have given myself another week for these feelings to go away and if they are still there I may act on them. Thoughts?

 

These feelings could be as a result of the unsuccessful dates.... but to me everything just clicked with my ex, yet these dates (whilst they are really nice girls (successful, great personalities, good looking etc)) just seem to be difficult and problems arise from the start (2-3 dates in).

 

OK maybe this post is just a vent but I'd like to hear what others think... please ask any questions, if you want additional information?

[SpottiOtti]

My take is that you have unresolved feelings for your ex, as evidenced by you feeling an urge to contact her again, and not cutting all ties with her (the coffee, the invitation for a drink, the birthday text). She hasn't really left your life yet, so it only makes sense that you wouldn't be ready to date other girls. You are subconsciously unavailable, because you started dating them only two months after the breakup.

 

I think you need to get the ex out of your blood before you worry about getting involved with someone new.

[Jack123abc]

Thanks for your reply SpottiOtti, I agree with your take on things but I suppose that then begs the question of the best way to get her out of my blood... more time? contact her and see if anything is there? Continue to date?

 

Funnily enough it does feel like she's out of my blood because I know nothing about her current situation / life but not out of my blood because I feel like I still want to contact / see her ... if that makes sense. Something I find weird... I found my divorce a few years ago 10x easier than this break up ... marriage and divorce = 6-7 years... this relationship = 9 months... although that could be a product of how recent it is (and how it happened, cheating compared to out of the blue)... I really don't remember wanting to contact my ex-wife

[SpottiOtti]

It's normal for someone to not be totally out of your system after four months. Your ex wife cheated on you, so maybe that's why you were able to clearly move on - you had a logical reason to latch on to. Maybe your ex-GF activated something inside you, some unresolved stuff, who knows. Does she remind you of anyone important from when you were growing up, like her behavior or personality characteristics?

[Jack123abc]

To be honest I actually don't think she will be out of my system from a wanting to contact her point of view for a while yet. Its just whether or not I should? what it would achieve?

 

Being cheated on was easy (not to down play it) but that was something I could not forgive and therefore the only focus I had was getting myself over the hurt which I was able to do relatively quickly.... On a side note (and this will seem like a massive contridiction) but may help those people doing NC, with the ex-wife I had no desire to contact her but since we've broken up she has on numerous occasions tried to rekindle "us", despite her being re-married (to the person she cheated on me with) and is expecting a baby she still will on occasions try. This just re-enforces my not wanting to contact her and shows that NC can work to get someone back. Yet I'm struggling with the current ex... mainly because I actually want to contact her.

 

BUT this latest break up I just don't know what it is.... she doesn't remind me of anyone... which could be the reason in it self... she was someone who showed me qualities I had never experienced before, like unconditional love (it will sound strange but I felt this love even whilst she was breaking up with me, the break up felt forced) and did it from very early on... She was not like anyone I've been with, she wasn't the girl I would usually go for from a looks, personality etc point of view. She begged me to give her a chance and I did, which turned out to be the best decision I ever made. Now I find myself wondering what happened ... Her friends are convinced it was nothing I did and she does this (at a similar stage) with all her partners. But at the end of it all I know its over and there is no chance we will be together again. I can't and won't try and convince her to be with me she has to want it. Whilst sad, thats pretty much where we are at the moment...

 

This breakup has really taught me a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship.... I feel the personal growth I've had in the past 4 months is actually quiet significant but I think I've got a bit further to go.