feeling very, very conflicted

[anonymouse7]

I don't really know where to start with this, but I'll try.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 1/2 years. When we first met, it was pretty magical. We had an instant connection, and I knew from the beginning that I loved him. I mean, I was 19. Maybe I was being a bit naive, but I was just so certain of him. Four months into the relationship, things started going south with the girl I was living with. At the same time, my boyfriend was looking for a new roommate. So, we figured, why not move in with each other? We didn't think of it as a big deal. It was more so out of convenience than anything else. Things were fine at first, but I guess when you spend that much time around someone, conflicts are bound to arise. Every time we've had a fight, we've been able to work through it. But my school schedule has been insane lately, and since the beginning of this school year, we've been fighting more frequently. They're no longer little fights about little things that can be easily resolved. We both say hurtful things, and we both act terribly to one another. It's been going on for 5 months now, I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't feel like it's fair to either of us to be fighting like this and not resolving our issues.

 

But wait, there's more..

 

Since my second semester has started, I feel like my work life and my school life has sky rocketed. I'm doing really well. And unfortunately, it leaves me with even less time to spend with my boyfriend (which has been an ongoing issues, I realize. He is a very social person and gets bored and lonely easily, where as I am a very independent person and I prefer being alone). I feel like I've been distancing myself because of the stress I'm under with work and school, and also because I just don't want to deal with the fighting. It's exhausting to wake up each morning and first thing we say to each other is something awful.

 

About a month ago, I went out with some friends. While at the bar, this guy I had spoken to a couple times at school came up and we chatted. I didn't think anything of it, but before I knew it he added me on facebook and we were talking pretty frequently. Recently, we've started hanging out. I've made it clear to him that things are going to stay platonic. He knows my situation and respects the boundaries. He's the nicest, sweetest, most caring, warm person I've met in a really long time. We have a lot in common and he makes me laugh. I feel really guilty for developing this friendship (and I will admit, a bit of a crush), and making time to hang out with my other friends, while not even making the time to spend with my boyfriend. And I'm feeling really conflicted as to my feelings toward my boyfriend. I love him, I know I do. But I just don't know if it's because he's my best friend or if I'm actually still in love with him. This is something that weighs very heavily on my heart, and I would appreciate any and all input.

 

Things we fight about:

- He does something nice for me, and then will hold it over my head and make me feel guilty.

- I don't make time for him. I have school anywhere from 8-12 hours a day, and when i get home I like to be alone. i could make time for him, but most days i just don't.

- Cleaning. this is mainly because he only works 4 hours a day, and is off on weekends, so he is obviously going to be doing more house work than i am. i have school monday-friday and then i work weekends. i try to clean up after myself, but sometimes i do forget.

- lately, just about everything. especially in the morning when i wake up, if i accidentally wake him up he immediately starts a fight with me. it's getting to the point where i just ignore him and continue getting ready for school/work.

[stuka80]

If you're having problems with your boyfriend, then you fix it. You making time with another guy when you wont with your boyfriend is just absolutely despicable in my view. You're in a relationship, have some respect for yourself and especially your boyfriend. You know as well as i do that this other guy wants something from you, and instead of stopping him in his tracks you indulge him but hey it's ok because your relationship is rocky and you said it's "platonic" so that means nothing will ever happen. Give me a break. I guarantee you 100% if you dont stop seeing this guy now, you will end up cheating on your boyfriend. But you already know that and just playing dumb.

[disneyfan]

At least you've lived with this guy before you married him. It sounds like you and your boyfriend have just grown apart. Perhaps it is time to break it off. You have separate lives now. I don't think I would want to spend time with your boyfriend either! He sounds pretty rude. Yelling at you for accidentally waking you up in the morning? People fall in and out of love, it's just a part of growing up.

[HeatherB]

You're over him. I can tell because of the neutral way you recount the story of how you got together. People who still love each other remember the early days of their relationship warmly, and obstacles are described as adventures. When you fall out of love and are done with a relationship, you subconsciously rewrite the early days to make them less special, and cast them in neutral or negative tone. You're already there. So just let the guy go.

[SpottiOtti]

My theory: Your boyfriend is screaming for your attention because he knows you're pulling away. He's acting out because he's hurt. Your post makes it sound as though you take very little responsibility for his emotional welfare or the welfare of the relationship and also like you are minimizing his concerns. What's stopping you from breaking it off with him?

 

Another thing: you are just about engaging in an emotional affair right now with the other guy. Please, please tell us you don't talk to him about your relationship problems.

[anonymouse7]

If you're having problems with your boyfriend, then you fix it. You making time with another guy when you wont with your boyfriend is just absolutely despicable in my view. You're in a relationship, have some respect for yourself and especially your boyfriend. You know as well as i do that this other guy wants something from you, and instead of stopping him in his tracks you indulge him but hey it's ok because your relationship is rocky and you said it's "platonic" so that means nothing will ever happen. Give me a break. I guarantee you 100% if you dont stop seeing this guy now, you will end up cheating on your boyfriend. But you already know that and just playing dumb.

 

That seemed a bit hostile. I will admit that, maybe, making time for this new friend isn't the best thing for me to be doing. But I've been cheated on before, more than once, and I would never wish that upon anyone. Whether or not this other guy wants something more isn't really a concern of mine, to be honest. I have told him things won't progress any further than friendship, and he understands that completely. He's very respectful of boundaries, he doesn't say anything or do anything that makes me uncomfortable, and every time we hang out, it's always with other people. So, please, you don't know me. Saying that I will "end up cheating" and that I'm "playing dumb" is rude. I have more respect for myself, and for my boyfriend, than you think I do.

 

At least you've lived with this guy before you married him. It sounds like you and your boyfriend have just grown apart. Perhaps it is time to break it off. You have separate lives now. I don't think I would want to spend time with your boyfriend either! He sounds pretty rude. Yelling at you for accidentally waking you up in the morning? People fall in and out of love, it's just a part of growing up.

 

Exactly. In the past everything we've fought about, we've been able to resolved. But not anymore. I feel like I've changed a lot as a person, especially after finding my dream career and finally having the confidence to pursue it in school. I was young when we met, and when I look back, I feel like a completely different person. He's three years older than me and honestly, hasn't changed much from when we first met. He can be rude, but so can I.

 

You're over him. I can tell because of the neutral way you recount the story of how you got together. People who still love each other remember the early days of their relationship warmly, and obstacles are described as adventures. When you fall out of love and are done with a relationship, you subconsciously rewrite the early days to make them less special, and cast them in neutral or negative tone. You're already there. So just let the guy go.

 

I didn't even realize this. I feel like I'm scared to let him go, not so much for myself (I've always had an "i'll be fine" mentality; I've had to be tough from an early age) but for him. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to never see him again. He's my best friend, and I don't want to loose that. But at the same time, the more we fight, the more I don't want to talk to him, be around him, etc,. And that, in turn, makes me feel like I'm loosing not only my boyfriend but my best friend.

 

My theory: Your boyfriend is screaming for your attention because he knows you're pulling away. He's acting out because he's hurt. Your post makes it sound as though you take very little responsibility for his emotional welfare or the welfare of the relationship and also like you are minimizing his concerns. What's stopping you from breaking it off with him?

 

Another thing: you are just about engaging in an emotional affair right now with the other guy. Please, please tell us you don't talk to him about your relationship problems.

 

I appreciate your honesty. I will definitely admit to shirking some responsibility. But, it's hard to take into consideration his emotional welfare, when he's yelling at me for things that really don't matter. I feel like I can't get through to him anymore. Every time we try to talk about something, he interrupts me and then when I finally get a chance to explain where I'm coming from, I'm "making excuses" and he won't accept my view. What's stopping me from breaking it off? I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be the one who's "throwing away" three years together. And, sorry if this sounds awful, but I don't want to divide all of our belongings, move out, and then feel guilty because literally everything in our house, I've paid for. I would be leaving him with no furniture; just some knick knacks and 2 cats he had before we started dating.

 

Other thing: No, I do not talk about my relationship with him. He's a very good listener, and I can talk to him about pretty much anything, but he doesn't need to know about my relationship.

[SpottiOtti]

"What's stopping me from breaking it off? I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be the one who's "throwing away" three years together. And, sorry if this sounds awful, but I don't want to divide all of our belongings, move out, and then feel guilty because literally everything in our house, I've paid for. I would be leaving him with no furniture; just some knick knacks and 2 cats he had before we started dating."

 

You staying in the relationship is more about guilt than about real feelings for him, based on these words. He probably can sense that you don't feel the same way anymore and he's angry about it. That is the impression I get from your description of his behavior. Is it right of him to interrupt you while you're talking? No, and I know that's very frustrating.

 

Can you appreciate how he probably feels? It sounds like when you two talk about this issue, you tell him the same things you told us: You're too busy. You're doing the best you can. He's probably done the math and figured out that you make time for friends but not for him. He feels you pulling away, and instead of admitting it you're telling him you're busy, etc. That is why he says you're "Making excuses". You are.

 

It sounds like he wants more from you than you can give right now. If you want to save the relationship, you'll have to show him by your actions that you want to fix it. Telling him where you're coming from isn't going to cut it anymore. If you can't or won't make an effort with actions, not words, I don't think much will change here.