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Broken down in pieces...again...


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Many of you know my story. For those not familiar with it, we were both married and worked together. It was 14 months long affair. Somewhere along the way we decided to leave partners so we can be together. I did it but she kept stringing me along until one day in December I finally had enough and walked away. It hurt me like hell, I cant say that it did not but deep down I knew it is right thing to do. After five weeks of silence she started making contact sometimes mid-January. At first these were seemingly innocent semi-work related e-mails which I declined. Then, two weeks ago I got offer for new job which includes moving overseas. News spread around fast and reached her. When she heard this she rushed to my office but I already left building. For next couple of days she changed online statuses on VoIP that our company uses all of which were directed to me. I ignored it all and changed myself into invisible.


This week she came to see me. She heard that I accepted an offer and started talking that I cant go, that this means definite end for us. In her words, we are meant to be together and she cant get over me. I sat there trying to stay calm and each time she paused I repeated same line „You made your choice and it wasn't me. Unless you came to tell me that you want to leave him and be with me you have no business here and please leave me alone“. After hearing this several times she finally said that she can't let me go and asked if I can give her two days to sort things out with her husband. She asked that I dont accept this new offer for two days and if she does not sort it out until then she will leave me alone and let me go. I just said that she can come to talk in two days if she sorts it out.


First night an e-mail comes around 2am saying she did not do it as he came home late. Then next morning she writes that she talked with her friend who knows about us. This friend encouraged her, told her to end her pain, put herself first and follow her heart. It seemed as if she finally decided. I just replied that she should indeed follow her heart and do what makes her happy. Then this morning another e-mail comes saying „I did not do anything productive last night“. I did not even understand what it means but it felt as if she punched me in face. I did not reply anything as it made me angry nor did she write afterwards.


Two days deadline which she imposed upon herself is expiring tonight. She did not write anything and for all I know she once again turned her back on us. I dont know why but this time it hurts more than ever before. Even though I stayed firm in front of her, deep down I hoped that it might be real this time and that we will end up together. I dont know what happened and why she did not do it. It is almost as if I am torn into pieces. Why would she come back and more important why would she ask for these two days if she knew she cant handle it? How can she be so cruel and send just that one line without even saying sorry after everything that happened between us? How to rise up again and move on from here? Sorry for so many questions but I really need to vent.

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I'm sorry this has happened to you. All I can say is what you have said to her all along, she made her choice. Personally I think it's incredibly selfish of her to have rushed to you like that trying to get you to stay, but likely having no real intention of ending things with her husband. For whatever reason the affair itself is what worked for her and it sounds like that's still what she wants, which is unfortunately a very good indicator of the fact that this woman has deeper problems that include not being able to be honest and faithful, either to you or her husband. Or perhaps she does love you, but has some sort of deep-seated pathological need to keep the husband in her life but no matter what the reason is you have tried to be honest and do the right thing and she still hasn't.


The reason is likely hurts so much now is that you were healing and moving on. Then she showed up and in spite of your holding your position she persisted and in the end she gave you false hope. All you can do now is what you've done so far, take your life back and move on. It hurts, I know but you've already seen that life goes on and you have an opportunity for a new start. Consider this a road bump, a rather painful one, but maybe also a clear sign that the two of you are not on the same page. Allow yourself time to grieve briefly then move forward. Good luck with the new job and new beginnings.

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Yes, it hurts more when healing and moving on gets stalled while another person tugs on the hooks that were in us. You have a great opportunity to put it all behind you and start fresh, out of her reach. She's not being considerate of you, or of her husband. This situation is all wrong, get away from it fast. Please remain resolute in your plans, and get take the offer. And give some thought to the devastation that this affair has wrought on four people.

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she is going to solve in two days what she didn't solve in 14 months .... yes, SURE! And you will believe her!


I had a kind of ex following me on a tram crying and leaving me handwritten notes about us. She couldn't make her mind with leaving her boyfriend and starting with me and I was leaving her city "forever". She even sat at the corridor of my building to meet me one last time. I left, she broke up with the boyfriend and tried to start something long distance with me but she was going on holidays with a bunch of people and her boyfriend among them. I was smart enough to know what would happen and didn't take her. 10 days later they were together again until she dumped him some months and one engagement ring later.


So run away to never come back

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She did not reply anything. This last message from her was final punch. Not even to say I am sorry or to explain anything. Just stupid phrase that she did not do anything productive. Whatever that means. Today I blocked all her emails and skype. I am also going later to visit my carrier to ask for her number to be blocked. A part of me hopes that she might do something over next few days as she knows that I must give definite answer for this job in two weeks. Wishful thinking I know. I will take that offer. It means moving from Europe to China for first year but I feel I cant put myself on hold anymore.

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