Case of the ex

[estella]

This confuses me:

 

When my ex and i broke up last year (on crap but understandable terms), he called me almost every week when he had a few problems/needed help and sometimes just to 'check in'. Even if it was about his new gf i would listen and, although he never really detected the apathy in my voice, things were civil and ok.

Eventually, it got less and less frequent and soon we were going our own ways. We've always had a lot in common and are very similar, there used to be a lot of trust between us, and thats what i miss most.

 

This year the calls and contact were pretty rare. He had a new gf and i left them alone, and was civil and polite to him and her. It was almost like we were becoming legit friends again. And when i needed help or advice he would respond...so things were okay, i really thought we were going to become really close friends again.

 

Then they broke up. He started talking to me more (in person) but when he said 'you looked really good today, we should spend some time together'-i kinda dismissed it, knowing he'd never follow through with an actual invitation and i'd be the rebound. I was right. He kept on saying things but never following through. This was fine with me for awhile (in my head i was going: 'oh he's just like that..think nothing of it'.)

 

This goes on for a month or so. First of all, why does he still say these things to me? Secondly, i realise this is the case of the ex-you cant stand seeing them happy so you've gotta do stupid stuff to annoy them. On more than one occasion his friends would call me on his phone (i can hear him in the background) and berate me for ignoring him and messing with his head, they also said something on the lines of 'he still has feelings for you'. I HAVE to dismiss these things to protect myself but....Unfortunately, i fell back in love with him. Bloody hell.

 

Then, some weeks later, after thinking about it, i told him i liked him. And he freaked out. He's been avoiding the question ever since.

 

And now once again (its been 4 weeks), i am trying to get over it-the wanting to be with him. But more than anything I just want answers and he refuses to supply them...yet when i ask/confront him in person he'll never talk to me like a normal person. He'll kinda just nervously laughs it off and jokes around and i get so annoyed the conversation always ends there. He recently told his friends that i'm stalking him and am some kind of obsessed psycho...which just blew me away. It just really hurts when he says something like that...i think it might be becuase of his friends-i know he's actually a decent guy.

 

But should i now lay low and forget about him or continue to ask for answers?

 

Its really affecting me, i dont know if its affecting him but i do know this whole is a lot bigger than it should be. I genuinely like him as a person (much to the disgust of my friends and family) and care about him even if i get treated like crap....but if you care about someone, aren't you meant to stick by them no matter what? argh...confused.

 

thanks for reading,

stella

[sonjam]

Stella,

 

no. If they treat you like crap, you are not meant to stick by them just becouse you are in love with them. NOBODY has the right to be rude to anyone else, ESPECIALLY if they know the other person has feelings for them.

 

I have been in a similar situation, the ex calling me, me returning the calls, and my friends telling me he told them im stalking him, and won't leave him the heck alone....

 

DEVASTATION!

 

No, it is not just his friends, he probably did tell them this. STOP.

Leave this guy along, try and avoid him, lie low, and get your heart healed. You are only going to do more damage, if you keep on wanting answers, and they will eventually just laugh in your face.

 

BEST advice is heal your heart, and get a new friend/boyfriend. Don't use someone to get over it, but try and get a new person in your life. You will forget about him (he sounds like an idiot anyway)

 

I really hope you find a nice person, and get over this idiot, he's not worth all the hurt and bad feelings. If he keeps contacting you, I would tell him to leave you alone, to be honest, because you know he's telling things to his friends behind your back, and you deserve better than that. Take some pride in yourself, you deserve more!!

[Mun]

no. If they treat you like crap, you are not meant to stick by them just becouse you are in love with them.

 

What Sonjam said is right. You should not stick around when he is treating you like this. It's the last thing you should do.

 

Start ignoring him as of NOW. Pretend you never knew him. Whatever it takes to stay away from him. He is playing games now and it's not fair to you.

 

You have good feelings and you should not be treated this way. Stand up for yourself and show him that you still have dignity by walking away.

 

Be strong girl

[estella]

thanks for the reply guys.

 

I realise that i should just walk away. Its just hard thats all.

We do Law together...its a long course...the whole 'no contact' thing has been really hard.

 

Actually...im only feeling in need of advice because its been two years and there are still feelings between us (i know...he's sounds like a idiot but he never used to be)...i was wondering if thats normal and if we didnt have anything between us-would this have dragged on for this long and if he doesnt care...wouldnt he just ignore me?

 

I admit it: sometimes i am blind to his faults but other times i want to be there for him because he doesn't have much support from anyone else. And his friends are drunker stoners who just perpetuate his behaviour, its sad to watch that happen.

 

Plus sometimes, im tired of 'being strong'...ive walked away many timesand have even changed my number....but here i am doing it all over again...

 

sorry...im starting to sound juvie..

 

stella

[lizzie]

i'm in the exact same place as you. It's been 2 years for me too. I've dated some, but no one has really done anything special for me. The ex and I are friends. He went right into another relationship with a rather undesirable person. They are still together. I see or hear from him at least once a week and he is always doing nice things for me. About 2 months ago we became intimate again. Talk about throwing in the monkey wrench. Up until that time he would always say no because he was faithful to the new woman.

 

When I'm honest with myself, I know that I stayed friends - thinking that things would work out between us. Two years is a long time.

 

I don't know what is going now or if there is any hope. But, it's my life and I'm going to stay with it. I still think it is meant to be and I know he still has strong feelings for me.

 

Who knows.

 

I think you should not give up - but quit asking the questions.....maybe even back off a little and let him do a little wondering.....

[estella]

thanks lizzie.

 

yeah...i actually do think we're meant to be together as well-if only as friends. Although, maybe thats a long way down the line.

I don't understand him at all.

But i have ceased contact with him altogether. Sure he still occupies my mind but at least its not as bad as it was before!

 

stel

[lizzie]

It's really hard to sit back and be patient. I'm not sure what type of relationship he is in now - everyone says it's nothing like what we had. It is with someone he hsa known since she was a child. Even he says they have nothing in common. My personal opinion is that he is scared because he has strong feelings for me and keeps her there as a wedge so as not to get too close to me. Does that sould like your situation. I'm sure mine has some major commitment problems.

 

It's never easy, is it? I'm hanging in there and hope you do too.

 

lizzie

[estella]

lizzie-you are describing my guy too.

 

He has serious comittment issues. But i can understand it-he's never had someone actually care about him before and as you said, it scares him. Their feelings for us are strong but they still have to see what else is available...we're young and even i can understand that (even though im suffering for it).

i know its a stupid game to play but i actually do think it should be done: you cant make it obvious to him you still want him. It'll just push him away further. But this is where we are isn't it? 2 years later and its like a fight. Staying bc of hope and bc you care VS letting go bc if you were going to get back together you would've by now.

 

its tough huh?

 

stel

[lizzie]

I'm beginning to think we're talking about the same person!!! I went out of town yesterday and lo and behold - 3 phone calls!!! I think he keeps pretty good tabs on me and it drove him crazy yesterday to not know what was going on. I guess I have to use the mystery technique.

 

Do you have contact with your ex? Do you contact him or does he contact you?

 

Just curious.

 

lizzie

[estella]

It would be SO scary if we were talking about the same person. But let me answer you questions first:

 

yeah, i still have contact (but at the moment, i'm doing the whole no contact thing). We do the same course at uni.

 

He used to contact me all the time and regularly. It got a lot less regularly when we had a break for a few months...when we got back to uni-it was all still there (for my part anyways). We've always had some form of contact and its like, we've never even left each other sometimes. When i started to contact him recently-he accused me of being obsessed and stalking him. So i'm laying low.

 

I doubt very much that i will ever meet anyone like him-i still think he's the bees knees and its unfortunate that i keep dating these guys who dont 'get me' and he keeps on dating girls who he dumps ever so often. Yeah, we always hook up when we're single at the same time. WHich is a really bad habit.

 

Anyways, we had a huge fight a few weeks ago and so now, we have no contact at all. Its pretty much over for now...we're always angry and in love-its abit draining!

 

Completely random: remember this 80's song: We are young-heartache to heartache we stand, no promises, no demands-love is a battlefield!

 

sorry, but it made me laugh.

stel