Pain after breakup comes in waves, til it disappears- Hold on and be strong

[sportsguy9981]

I want to let people know that pain after a breakup comes in waves, in the beginning the waves are high and crush you, then as you move out into the sea the waves arent as bad but they still come.. the waves slowly receed though, and you begin to collect yourself. Just remember this when you have minor or major setbacks and reoccuring thoughts of the other person. Everyone has these types of thoughts, today you may not feel as good as yesterday, but you will get there. Its been 4 months for me, after 4.5 years with with the woman who was my life, or at least I wanted her to be. She cheated and left me for another guy, Ive been in NC the whole time. I can only say that I sometimes miss the person, not her, I could never feel the same for her after what she has done to me this past year but I do miss what could have been, I miss certain things about her that I wish I could somehow forget, but in all reality I want the total package with someone, not part of it. People think your ex can change but dont go try and changing someone to make you feel good, it never works, I always thought she would change and care more. I hope to find happiness with the right person though, I cant bear being alone for the next year but I know it is making me stronger.

Good luck to everyone and just remember that you're better off without the person that left you in the dust to fend for yourself, no matter how hard it gets the right person will be waiting for you at the end of the road and that person is smiling and will comfort you when you least expect it. Picture this instead of the person that brought you so much heartache and sorrow and then you'll be swimming to the island where your significant other is that you are ment to find after the waves, you may also find other islands of happiness by yourself, they are out there waiting to be discovered. Its a big world out there with so many things that you can discover on your own without someone holding your hand to do it. And also remember that after every storm out in the sea, sunshine follows. Good luck on your adventure!

[ErikSifu]

Great post man! It happens to me all the time , just when I think I'm doing good - BOOM! But I get thru it one way or another !!!

 

Now, GET BACK TO WORK ! LOL

[Limiya]

Great post. I agree with it completely. I had never heard of the 'wave effect' before coming here. But that's exactly what it is.

In the beginning you get hit by tsunami after tsunami without a gap in between, and it feels suffocating. Wondering if you'll ever feel normal again. will you ever get past these awful withdrawal symptoms?

 

Then as time goes on, the waves get further apart, and shallower, and you find it easier to cope with. You start to see things a bit clearer in between these waves, and have time to reflect while you're more level. The waves still come, but fewer and farther between.

 

Just remember to help yourself as much as possible though. Otherwise it takes a longer time. No contact is the best way if that's possible.

There will be light at the end. You don't NEED any person to make you feel complete. Trust me on that. You can be your own person, and be happy and then when a good partner appears in your life then it's a bonus.

 

Great thread.

Limiya

[matti]

. You don't NEED any person to make you feel complete.

 

Very true. It takes a good while to realize this. But, as you move on and heal, this becomes more and more apparent. We just need a reminder every once in a while that a good mate is someone who accents your personality/life, rather than completes you as a person. Never should we be using another individual to fill a void in our life as many of us very often seem to forget.

[John John]

I've been thinking about the "wave effect" for a while now. I was really hit by a big wave this week...to the point where I have been virtually suicidal. Perhaps it was due to me refusing happy pills any longer (I want to push through without them) and re-quitting smoking at the same time...but this week has been rough. Though I'm starting to feel a little better.

 

I miss her like crazy. Every day. But I'm starting to even question if I would want her back if that opportunity ever presented itself. I mean, I'm a freaking catch and treated her like a queen, yet she left me? No matter what, I refuse to break NC. Going on one month solid NC.

[sportsguy9981]

Limiya you're right, I realize you dont need someone, I hope thats not what people perceive from the thread, I just mean that the island we are swimming to after the waves we will find happiness, then when we least expect it, usually the person we are ment to be with somehow appears.. if you live your life and attain happiness on your own first, its a great bonus as Limiya says if you meet the right person... but the breakup can really be an adventure if you approach it the right way, you can do alot on your own without someone holding your hand. Just hold on and be strong, and then you'll see things a little more clearer and you'll see exactly who put these waves crashing down on you for who that person really is.

[paulasmith]

thank you, i am going throught this at the moment, and your take on it has helped a little

[POSH007]

I agree...my wave hit a rock when he texted me after 14days of no contact I'm back to day one of NC and just want to find stiller waters. I woke up today with that old anxiety feeling he makes me feel. Trying to focus on work...but find myself here...posting...

[lovepugs86]

Thank you for writing this, it made me tear up lol. I needed to read something like this. The last few days I have been feeling the waves of missing him again and have been tempted to contact him, but then I remember how much worse I would feel if I did. It's been 4 months since the breakup and almost 1 month since we have talked or seen each other.

 

I read a quote somewhere that said something like, "once you start doing the things YOU love, the right person will be there waiting for you." I am starting to believe this because once you start doing things that make you happy and once you start loving yourself and become whole, then you will meet the right person. I still feel like my ex is the one, but other times I don't... but only time will tell. For now, I need to learn to not dwell on everything so much because in reality, why should I be when he is probably not dwelling on it at all? If he really wanted me back and thought he made a mistake, he knows where to find me.

 

And the thing is, I don't think you can ever really look at your ex the same way as before. When someone breaks your heart, you start to see them differently. I realized this when I saw him last month because you never thought that person would've hurt you that way. I have to keep trusting that someday I won't have to feel this way again and someone will love me just as much as I love them and fight for the relationship!

[sportsguy9981]

Lovepugs, exactly dont contact your ex, let him contact you, and dont even think about him contacting you, move forward with your life. So many times people want things the easy way.. look at fast food, credit cards, weight loss pills, people just want things more and more convient and going through a major breakup isnt like any of that, its grief, its work and it takes time.

I still care about my ex alot, even after she replaced me, but I dont feel the need to contact her, because I dont want to go through all the terrible feelings I had when it first happened, it was so painful to be told that she had met someone else and allowed the guy to sleep in her bed and everything that night I couldnt even believe it was really her saying these things... just a week ago from that time we were intimate, now all of a sudden she's intimate with someone else? It hurt beyond repair, and I dont understand how someone can tell you all these special things in private and then when that person is alone or with other people they act the exact opposite. I feel used, and I hate the feeling of someone thinking someone else is better than you are, nobody is better than anybody else, its a terrible confidence issue that comes into play when you get rejected, im still dealing with it and trying to become the confident, strong person I was before I met her. I just wish that I could forget about our past, but it always comes into my mind... and I always end up doing things alone, its a struggle to be happy that way but I hope I find some inner peace soon, its been just over 4 months now of this.

[lovepugs86]

One of the hardest things is that it's constantly on my mind. Even if I'm not consciously thinking about it, it's still there. Then there are dreams that come a few times a week plus everything reminds of me of him. I'm struggling with feeling this everyday. Everyday I think, "should I contact him? Tell him I still love him? Ask him for another chance?", but then I talk myself out of it. If he's not feeling this same way, then what will it do for me to contact him? It will just leave me disappointed. If he really gave a **** about us still, he would be calling me. I guess it just feels like I still should be the one making all the effort, because for months I was fighting like hell for us to work. In reality, it's his turn. 100%.

 

sportsguy, I'm so sorry that this happened to you, but you just have to know that you are the bigger person it all of this and you will find true happiness someday. Just keep pushing through and know that someone will appreciate everything about you for the rest of your life and not just up and leave. What helps get you through the day? Did you pick up any new hobbies?

[sportsguy9981]

Really the only thing that has helped me is just trying to think of all the bad things she did to me.. she cheated on me January 1, 2012 (had sex with another guy), then 9 months after that she cheated on me again and left me for this guy... and also what helps is what she texted me the last day I ever talked to her, in the end of September of last year, she texted me "ive never felt this way about someone else before, our love has been questionable for the past year, him and I talked for 6 hours yesterday, I'm not quitting my job (where I didnt want to move and where she was suppose to be getting experience), you cant text me when he gets here." Those type of things, after 4 and a half years together with someone that told you they loved you every day and that you talked to every day for 1642.5 days straight (4 and a half years), is totally unacceptable and combined with the fact that she let another guy sleep in her bed and lie about it when it happened (I talked to her on the phone that night), is totally crushing. I cant believe it and I really know deep down that I deserve more then that and someone who actually gives a damn about me, because she lied to me that she did, and she admitted to using me for sex and companionship also when I told her that she did.

As far as hobbies, I got back into running, I go out with my best friend, Im trying to set some small goals for myself for this year, and I just want to keep making progress, and hopefully if I give it enough time, I will get into a routine of being single again and I'll realize Im way better off without her and without the cheating, lieing, selfish ***** that she was, and hopefully meet someone that I can actually have fun with in life... she thinks she is so happy, but in all reality its a honeymoon phase and it never lasts forever, after awhile a relationship takes work, goals, common interests and I hope she is happy without me because she knows that im a good guy.

Im trying not to let this do a number on my self confidence, because when you get rejected and replaced like that right away you feel worthless, and you wonder why she left you, but as I've heard before many times on here, its not about you when you get cheated on and replaced like that, its about the dumper's personality flaw, that person's issue not mine.. I feel that Im a very trusting, compasionate, commited, (she never had to worry where I was on a fri or sat night or any night for that matter), successful, nice, fun, guy and if she wanted to let her parents and job run her life then go ahead thats all I gotta say, im not going to give up my future for this immature, selfish person.