Boyfriend spends money but hasn't got a job

[MangoBuzz]

Hi... a little venting is needed here.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years now and we met at uni. I'm 23 and he's 22. Since graduating I've had a few jobs, currently working in my field now, with a side job. My boyfriend has had none. For a whole year and is relying on his mum to give him money.

We are both lucky that we still live with our parents but I feel that because of this, my boyfriend has a poor attitude when it comes to money, or lack of it to be precise.

 

My home life:

I live with my mum in a 2 bedroom flat which I think is decent. Mum is a checkout lady so does not make a fortune but she is incredible with what she earns. I admire her. With our wages we live comfortably but lets just say holidays are out of the question. Food shopping is done in small bits and we consume then buy what we run out of... which I think is just common sense! My mum works in a supermarket so takes advantage of buying things at the end of the day when they are lower in price. My mum has taught me to be more smart with my travelling so that I do more things in 1 day to reduce bus fares. If me and my mum are watching the same tv shows we'll watch in the same room.

 

My boyfriend's home life

He also lives with his mum who doesn't work and to be honest I don't know what her job ever was. They live is a big house, 4 bedrooms, 2 of which are FULL of clutter, they are not usable. In their house the heating is always on full blast, heating all three floors (bfs room is in the attic). If my boyfriend goes to sleep he leaves the TV. When he takes me to the bus stop to go home, he'll leave it on too, even though we can be waiting for 10 minutes for a bus. The kitchen is FULL of food. Normally a family will have 1 loaf of bread, they normally have 3 different kinds and its just the 2 of them. I've noticed the cupboards are full to the brim with foods, tins, tea bags, condiments but they never get used! I once remember counting 4 bottles of half finished salad cream. Its like they keep buying food without finishing what's already there. They always buy brand names. ALWAYS. One time at my house, I had the shop brand apple juice and he commented on it. The bathroom is the same, bottles of shower gels, soups, 3 toothpastes... all half used or not touched.

 

You're probably thinking why does this bother me, and at times I don't know either! But it does. It just seems like they waste so much money.

I just feel these habits rubbing off on my boyfriend so he doesn't value money as much. If I was in my bfs position I'd feel terrible about asking my mum for money because I feel I'm old enough to take care of myself AND knowing the fact my mum worked for that money would make me feel guilty.

His mum doesn't work but manages to fund him even on thing I strongly believe he shouldn't be doing if he has no income e.g. partying, eating out at restaurants. Even things like electricity I just feel he doesn't understand that it costs! And its his mum paying for it.... but she doesn't work so maybe that's why he doesn't care. He just knows it will be paid for.

 

Because of his situation, I have not asked to go out to restaurants, cinemas, couple things because I know he can not afford it and I feel wrong knowing that if I initiate those things, it will be his mum paying for it. I'm not a very high maintenance girl, I don't need to be wined and dined to be happy, in fact I'm very keen on saving and only going out on special occasions but he feels the need to do these things! Even though he has no money to fund it. Valentines days is a around the corner and he's suggesting we go to a restaurants in the West End where the main course is £20. Fair enough its Valentines day but he did pick one of the more expensive restaurants. He never expects me to pay for him might it add. We always split the bill which I am happy to do.

If he goes out to meet me somewhere he'll take the train which is twice as much as bus.... but its not like he's doing it not to be faster, he does NOTHING all day... and still ends up late and I have to wait for him even though I rushed to get out of work to be on time.

 

I have internet in my flat now and pay monthly and when I told him this he said "When I get internet, I'd prefer to pay it off in one go." I was just annoyed, because its like he's being snobbish about money when he has none at all. He even wanted to upgrade his phone last summer but decided against it. His phone bill is £40 a month and guess who pays for that? Yup his mum.

Right after finishing uni he had left over student loan money and bought me extravagant (by my standards) presents like an xbox and swarovski jewellery which I am grateful for.... but a year down the line those things were not essential and its as if he didn't think about the future and what if he couldn't find a job.

 

 

My rant is over *phew* If you can be bothered to read it all I'd be happy I do want a future with him I just think he needs to be more aware of his spending

[happyfrank]

Does he go to school?

[itsallgrand]

I did read it all. Listened. Good rant! And you have some valid concerns. It'd bother me too. Especially since you are looking forward and considering a future with him in it!

 

You two ever talk about these differences?

[pl3asehelp]

He sounds selfish and entitled. Sometimes people grow out of that, sometimes not. Unfortunately, a romantic partner is the worst role to be in to help someone with these issues - you really can't do it without making him resent you. Let's say nothing changes - will you still find him attractive and want a future with him?

[laninaperdida]

I'm not sure if this is a question of jealousy or a conflict in morals or a combo of both.

(An individual's attitude towards money is very important so I consider it a matter of morality.)

If you *could* you wouldn't live like him, really?

I doubt that, lol.

He's not wiping his ass with $100 bills... He's just enjoying still being taken care of by his parents.

With all the ****ed up fams in this world, I don't think this is such a bad thing.

Also, he's 22... Not 32.

Just because you had to grow up a little faster doesn't mean he has to as well.

Your lives are different.

I grew up a lot like him & let me tell you people grow out of it.

When push comes to shove, they value that tube of toothpaste.

His turn will come to buy in bulk, steal condiments from Wendy's, whatever.

(When I moved back home I thought having a choice of 2 different breads was heaven, haha.)

Thing is, he doesn't have to so... stop hating,

Let him live his life & enjoy it with him... As tough as it is.

It's almost like you can't relate... It's foreign.

Don't let it get in the way of things.. It's not a future behaviour indicator YET.

(Although I do find co dependent mama's boys a turn off, lol... Double standard, but oh well.)

I actually had to end a friendship with someone I've known for years because she just couldn't get off my back.

I'm sorry her life is harder than mine... I really am, but she made me feel inferior like my financial choices were bad & dirty when if the tables were turned she'd want what I have.

[blueidealist24]

How do he and his mom pay for stuff if neither of them works?

 

Anyway, the stuff they do sounds a bit wasteful but not like HUGE issues. They wouldn't be deal breakers for me. At least he still takes the bus and doesn't have a car he can't afford. He shouldn't make fun of you for having store brand stuff though.. it sounds like you guys both have totally different ideas about how to spend money and are judging each other unnecessarily on it.

[MangoBuzz]

Does he go to school?

 

Not any more he finished uni January 2012 and has been pretty much doing nothing since. I have a temp job and got him a few days work but other than that he does nothing.

 

He is looking for jobs but has yet to secure one and I've been reading so much about how graduates are having such a hard time getting a job I have no idea how long this will go on for

[blueidealist24]

Not any more he finished uni January 2012 and has been pretty much doing nothing since. I have a temp job and got him a few days work but other than that he does nothing.

 

He is looking for jobs but has yet to secure one and I've been reading so much about how graduates are having such a hard time getting a job I have no idea how long this will go on for

 

Maybe he should do some volunteer work. I've had a sporadic work history since graduating and I've been doing volunteer work to fill in the gaps, plus it gives you experience/references.

[laninaperdida]

You seem to be a little too obsessed with what your BF is/isn't doing.

I understand you're thinking about your future with him, but maybe you should lay off him & focus on your own life a bit?

He's not your world...

You seem to be mentally planning everything around this guy.

Also, you can't make him do anything & to think this much about it kinda freaks me out, lol.

You don't wanna freak him out, you know?

Caring & being his mother are 2 different roles... Don't blur them.

Just do you.

[MangoBuzz]

You two ever talk about these differences?

 

Thanks for reading!

Sometimes I feel like I'm just overthinking it but I know anyone would be annoyed if their other half just sat at home all day while they worked.

Before Christmas I asked my boyfriend how the job search was coming along and how he was surviving, because by this time it had been about 10 months with no income at all yet he still had money to things like normal. It was then he told me his mum was giving him money. I felt happier knowing he's not financially down and out BUT at the same time, looking at the things he does with this "loan" from mum, its just a waste. I think he doesn't feel bad about taking the money and spends it on anything.

 

I'm a strong believer in "work hard, play hard" but I feel his life is just "Play hard" all the time.

 

I just feel that this might be a reflection of how life with him in the future might be

[MangoBuzz]

I'm not sure if this is a question of jealousy or a conflict in morals or a combo of both.

 

Yup I get this. I do feel jealous that he can have all the free time in the world to do whatever he wants with no need to worry about how much money he has.

But at the same time I'm proud to say that I work for my money and it makes me value it a lot more.

 

If I had the choice, I wouldn't want to live like him right now. I'd feel very unproductive, kind of a bum, embarrassed to not have job or purpose. On my days off I'm bored out of my head and I have no idea how he's been doing in for over 365 days!!

 

I love his house I stay over regularly, its like my second home but that's not the issue.... its the

co dependent mama's boy

thats got me. When I look at my mum she's worked her whole life as a single parent and I always gave me what I needed over what I wanted. That's what I've learnt. I'd also feel uncomfortable for asking my mum for bus money or money just to go out with my friends. Once in a while, maybe.... once or twice a week? Not so much and having my mum pay my phone bill? Out of the question.

 

I remember asking my bf when we got together what his mum did for a job and he actually couldn't give me an answer! So I just feel its rubbed off on him, that's its ok not to work and not have a drive to want to work.

 

So yeah I think you've hit the nail on the head... it seems to be a conflict of morals.... thanks for your input, never saw it that way before

[MangoBuzz]

You really can't do it without making him resent you. Let's say nothing changes - will you still find him attractive and want a future with him?

 

I'd find my boyfriend attractive in a bin liner but seriously, I wouldn't want me to NOT have a future with him but I would say it would make me put my future ON HOLD. E.g. We won't progress with moving into together for years to come because he hasn't proved his financially security.

 

And yes you're right. I haven't/don't bring up the job situation up because I'd feel like a nag and getting on his case but inside its killing me and I know its killing him, knowing he's just wasting his time away doing nothing. He's a smart guy but like you hear everywhere, graduates are having a hard time jobwise.

[pl3asehelp]

I'd find my boyfriend attractive in a bin liner but seriously, I wouldn't want me to NOT have a future with him but I would say it would make me put my future ON HOLD. E.g. We won't progress with moving into together for years to come because he hasn't proved his financially security.

 

And yes you're right. I haven't/don't bring up the job situation up because I'd feel like a nag and getting on his case but inside its killing me and I know its killing him, knowing he's just wasting his time away doing nothing. He's a smart guy but like you hear everywhere, graduates are having a hard time jobwise.

 

And if he doesn't change like you're expecting, how long will you keep your future on hold? Are you prepared to put a time limit on this?

[MangoBuzz]

How do he and his mom pay for stuff if neither of them works?

Benifits? I don't know I haven't asked that specifically! But his mum is always at home or visiting friends.

 

At least he still takes the bus and doesn't have a car he can't afford.

This is true aswell lol

[blueidealist24]

Benifits? I don't know I haven't asked that specifically! But his mum is always at home or visiting friends.

 

 

This is true aswell lol

 

I'm thinking they must have some other source of income such as an investment, or an inheritance, because it sounds like they've got a higher standard of living than someone on welfare or unemployment.

[MangoBuzz]

You seem to be a little too obsessed with what your BF is/isn't doing.

I understand you're thinking about your future with him, but maybe you should lay off him & focus on your own life a bit?

I am focused on my own life. I have 2 jobs, regularly see friends.

 

He's not your world...

I see him on my days off and when I go to leave he always asks when I'm coming never. The boredom kills him so I think its the other way round. Time goes quick for me because I'm busy, time drags for him and he just looks forward to my days off.

 

Just do you.

Of course :smile:

[itsallgrand]

I think you need to talk to him openly and honestly about what you value, and find out how he sees things too.

If you haven't talked about it yet, that is the first step. Talk without attacking and really pay attention to what he says and how that fits with what he does.

 

It's better to bring it out now rather than let the resentment build. And this way, you'll have a better idea too of where he is at and what he is planning for regarding the future. If he doesn't know....or there aren't concrete actions happening....then it's not the best idea (you have this right) to be putting your future on hold hoping he will come around.

 

Perhaps he is simply yet modelling his mums behaviors - this is how she raised him, apparently, and if that is the case..the best thing in the world for him would be to live on his own and learn how the world actually works (no one just hands you money for nothing, and if they are it's at a cost).

 

If you do stay with him, I really think it would be wise not to plan to move out together - he needs to live alone or with a roommate first and learn how to self regulate.

[MangoBuzz]

Hi guys sorry its been ages since my last post. Been working like crazy lately: 6 days a week! The pay off will be lovely

 

So anyway situation is still the same but now with extra annoyances. Firstly his lateness. We were meant to meet at nandos at 7pm then go cinema at 8.30. I finished work at 6:15, got 2 buses and was at nandos 10 minutes to 7. I message my bf and he was just getting on the train. He came at 7.15 I had to wait on my own for 20 minutes..... Reading a newspaper.

Thing is he did nothing all day! He had technically no reason to be late.

 

Again later in the week he said he would be at my house "between 2-3". At 2.30 he messaged me saying he was "leaving soon" I was happy because that means he would be on time since the journey takes 1hour. I messaged him 45minutes later asking where he was and he said he was just leaving his house! He got to mine at 3.20. Again, he was doing NOTHING that day and was still late.

The main reason he came was for me to cornrow his hair, but came with his hair unwashed even though he took out the plaits over 2 weeks ago. He had PLENTY of time to wash it and blow dry it.

 

We had an event to work at on Chinese new year. The email said uniform was "all black" he turns up in a white shirt because he didn't read the email properly. Funnily enough he arrived in central half an hour early for the shift but I still managed to sign in 15 minutes before him.

 

And lastly! He missed out on a graduate scheme job, £9.50 an hour £25,000 a year because he didn't read the email thoroughly and didn't get all the necessary documents for the induction day.

 

*sigh* sorry for the long post and for any spelling mistakes typing on my phone on a bumpy bus!