He's WAY too nice AND I AM FREAKING OUT!

[Smittygirl]

I have posted about this in another thread. Sorry to bombard you all with my threads about this one particular guy.

 

I have known this guy friend for quite some time now. I told him that I was interested in him. He told me he just wanted to be friends. I sent him ALOT of messages. I think maybe over 100. These messages were just expressing the way I felt. This would have overwhelmed most guys but it didn't overwhelm him. Most guys would have freaked out but he didn't. He still says he wants to be my friend.

He helps me, gives me advice, talks to me, texts me, HE'S JUST TOO NICE AND I AM FREAKING OUT! He doesn't judge me and continues to accept me. He has not told anyone what I did with the text messages. He returns my calls and texts. What do I do? I am developing feelings for him. I can't distance myself from him because we attend the same venue. It's impossible to avoid him.

I am going crazy over his politeness.

His last message went like this after I asked him why does he still talk to me knowing I have romantic interest in him.

 

The reason I am your friend even despite the fact that you send me so much stuff is because I still see the value in you as a person. I choose not to freak out and ignore you because I want you to grow and become the best you can be. Our friendship will be made easier if you are able to communicate with me without gushing and admiring me. So please don't try to attract me by telling me how much I mean to you. I will be your friend. That's all you need to care about.

 

Messages so nice ALL THE TIME, his support etc. I want him to stop being so nice coz the more he is nice to me, the more I feel for him. What do I do? I don't want to get hurt. Why do you think he is like this?

[lavenderdove]

OK, you have to adjust your feelings to match the situation. He wants to be a friend, nothing more. He *thinks* he is helping you by being this way, but the reality is if you are 'in love' and he just wants to be friends, it is not healthy for you to have a lot of contact with him because it builds false hopes and tortures you.

 

The world is full of people you can be friends with, and it doesn't have to be this guy. Chasing after someone who doesn't love you is very unhealthy and prevents you from finding someone who does, so i suggest you ramp this 'friendship' way back. If you are emotionally reliant on him, then call a counselor and start talking about your feelings with them rather than him. Set a goal to text him no more than once every day, and not about anything 'deep' or your feelings for him. Then start weaning yourself off him, to a text every other day, then every third day etc. until you are not texting him at all. Meanwhile start communicating more with female friends and your counselor so that you can form true friendships and not these fantasy love affairs with someone who doesn't want you that way.

 

Also note that he SHOULDN'T try to play the role of therapist and try to 'fix' you. He's not a professional and if you can't control your feelings, then you need to see a professional and not some guy you have a crush on. He is 'allowing' you to be a friend which is a warped and unequal position for you to be in. A friendship should be equal, balanced and about fun things and not about one person trying to 'fix' or 'tolerate' another person while the other person desperately tries to make them fall in love because their feelings are out of balance.

 

You CAN distance yourself from him regardless of being in the same 'venue'. Reduce your emotional dependence on him by first stopping these emotional exchanges where you try to get him to love you. Then start reducing the number of texts or phone calls you make/accept. Wean yourself off him over time while phasing in other people who are better bets as friends because you have no romantic feelings for them to struggle with, and find a counselor and use them as your lifeline rather than clinging to a guy who does not want to be your BF. The trouble isn't his 'niceness', the trouble is your desperate pursuit of him wanting him to be your rescuer and BF when he just isn't interested in that. So stop pursuing him and stop interacting with him over time until you are rarely doing so (or not doing so) and have this under control.

[Cope and Hope]

I hope you realize that the problem here isn't that he's too nice. The problem is that you like him and he has made it clear he wants to only be friends. You're texting him, asking for support, and whatnot constantly so what is he supposed to do? Ignore you? Be mean to you? If you want him to stop responding then stop talking to him, not a difficult solution here.

[Klokwurk]

He is being nice because there is nothing for him to lose. He likes feeling wanted by another human being, and why should he want to mess that up by ignoring you?

 

It is clear he has no interest in you romantically AT ALL. If your feelings are uncontrollably ferocious for this guy, and if you REALLY do not want to get hurt, you have to quit contacting him (before he gets a hot girlfriend or something.)