Daddy and Family Issues. Need to rant & some objective opinions....

[BlackGoaty]

I sit here in front of the comp, browsing through all the threads trying to find some advice and solace from others' plight but I am still lost and in a state of blurriness.

 

I do not know where to start but to cut a story short, my mom is going through a divorce with my dad after 36 years of marriage with three kids, me being the eldest and two younger siblings who are all sensible working adults. My dad was once a successful businessman but when the economy crunch came through in the late 90s, his business failed and he incurred debts which only came to light recently when I asked him how much he owed the banks. The debts was amounting to about USD$100k with at least 10 credit cards.

 

Since his business failed, he did not have a proper full time job and he did not voice anything out about being in debts, things were like normal, we all got food and money allowances when me and siblings were students. However in recent months, it became apparent that he was not working and kept needing money from me, not my siblings though and that was how I found out about the USD$100K debts to the bank. He had wanted me to help to pay interest rates and minimum payment towards his debts to the creditors. I told him to show me all the bank statements and summarised the amount he owed, I told him there is no way I can help him with his debts.

 

When his business failed in the 90s, my mom who was a fulltime home maker since I was born, had to go out to work with odd jobs here and there to support my brother who was still in college. There were alot of drama then which almost lead to a divorce in the late 2000s, but my mom decided to give him another chance. Fast forward to today, my dad's refusal to find jobs to clear his debts but wanting his children or rather me because I am the most sensible and eldest, to help him with his debts. Unbeknownst to me, my mom have given him alot of her own personal savings which again only came to light recently when I "forced" her to tell me everything.

 

 

My dad is the most stubborn, angry and tyrannical person I have ever met. Anything and everything must be his way or none at all. All my life, I try to rebel against him. Anything he says, I will simply do the opposite. I live my life living opposite his ways of life. He always think he is right and when evidence proves him wrong, he will still think he is right.

 

I have concluded that his tyrant ways had in some ways contributed to my 2nd sibling's array of eating disorders, depression because he held her like a sparrow in his cage so much that when my sibling was 14, she had a sparrow flying free on her shoulder (this came from my own deduction).

 

I have given all hope on him and will not help him as I have told him that none of us can help with his debts at all and it is not a solution to have us pay the minimum payment with interest snowballing every month. He refused to speak to the banks or credit bureaus for help to stop or lower his interests or work out some form of repayment without the high interests . He is not even trying to find work to pay his debts.

 

I am so tired of being a pillar of support for this family all these years. I just want to lead my own life but I cannot shirk my responsibilities towards my mom who worked hard for us. In my late teens, I have attempted suicide but of course that failed, however that incident caused me to change my total outlook on life. I became so positive but simply, I chose to avoid negative/pessismistic/toxic people in my life. BUt with family, you cannot choose that.

 

 

Recently I have thoughts of death again because with my death, it will solve all money problems. Please, I am not suicidal or wanting to take my own life. But I think of morbid thoughts like getting into a car accident, or getting drowned whilst on holiday, or getting really sick and dying from that illness or any kind of situation where I can just end my life (not ending my life myself) but I would readily volunteer my death in exchange for someone's life thats what I want to say.

 

I think I am very selfish and self centred. I have a good job that pays well. I live within my means though not much savings because it dawned on me one day that I just want to live and be happy. So whatever that makes me happy, I get it for myself and for my mom and I dont see a need to save because when I die , I cannot bring all these money with me. My thinking is that I can earn USD$15K a month and buying luxury goods and watches and all the fine dining in restuarants for myself and mom and my loved ones. On the other hand I can also earn USD$1.5K a month and still be happy. That is what I am trying to get at. I would be happy and contented with whatever amount I have as long as I know that one day there is a possibility that I might get into that situation without a job but doing odd jobs here and there. I will never get into a debt because I do not believe in spending what you do not have.

 

If I were in my dad's shoes, I would be doing all sorts of jobs to cover the debts and not going round borrowing from relatives and friends to pay his debts. Yet, he is not doing any of it. My dad have not be living with us since the late 2000s and because he is having difficulties paying his debts and is going to be evacuated by his landlord, he is wanting to move back to our house which he have a share in. He paid for the downpayment of our house but the rest of the mortgage is borne by me. He is "forcing" us to sell the place with a tidy sum of profit so that he can cover his debts. However his contribution for the house is only equating to the amount of money he took from my mom and some debts which he left behind and which I have cleared.

 

 

Fast forward to today, my mom have decided to go ahead with the divorce

and leaving him with nothing and no alimony from him but just the share of his house, he is like a rabid dog ranting that we are heartless people and especially me whom he have raised and given education etc. He do not talk to my brother about helping him clear his debts because he do not want to show the ugly side of him as a father. He always "show" how good a father he is with my brother.

 

I do not know what is my purpose of writing here telling strangers' my family problems. I am just at a lost and a blur. Maybe I am wanting some strangers' opinion of what you think I am doing is right or wrong. I do not want confirmation or people's justification. Just some objective opinions of what you would do if you are in my position.

 

Sorry for the long rant and thoughts. Just hoping that I will get through all these.

[becomingkate]

I think you will have to have your dad file for bankruptcy - it's amazing he's left it this long!

 

Here's a page relating to debts in the UK:

 

link removed

[meoww]

I'm going to be blunt, because your story has really touched me. Family, in some ways, is a totally outdated and toxic notion we need to evolve out of. The reason you are so unhappy is that you are shouldering the responsibility for (literally and figuratively) debts that have nothing to do with you. You don't need your father, especially if all he does is take and give nothing back.

 

You deserve a better life than this. You are going to regret it so much if you keep making compromises because of his behavior and continuous bad decision making.

 

I'd phrase this all a bit more delicately but I have seen way too many people suffer needlessly in unloving families and I come from a bad family too and wouldn't wish that hell on anyone.

 

Try to observe your whole family with an outsider's perspective. Is he really the only problem in your family? Why is your mother unable to keep you out of her personal problems? Why did she get involved with your dad in the first place if he is so toxic, why is your brother seemingly unsupportive of your plight, it seems like there is a lot going on. Say goodbye if possible to this immature, uncompromising, weak-willed, and delusional group of people. Cut them all off until you know what you're worth and aren't capable of being manipulated by them.

 

Families can only be functional and healthy if all members are willing to listen and sacrifice.

[BlackGoaty]

I think you will have to have your dad file for bankruptcy - it's amazing he's left it this long!

 

Here's a page relating to debts in the UK:

 

link removed

 

Hi becomingkate, thanks for the links. Believe me, I have tried to ask him to file for bankruptcy and given him tonnes of links and contacts from the government agencies for help. In fact that's about the only way to start afresh but he would not hear of it at all.

[BlackGoaty]

Thanks meoww for the kind advice, really much appreciated.

[BlackGoaty]

I have to get back on my thread I started and let it out again before I go berserk. I have been going over to the suicide section as I am again having very bad "I wish I could die now" thoughts. These few weeks have been getting worst with me losing all interests in everything in life. Just cooped up at home, on my bed, wanting to get out of the house, to workout but my body just lie there. I am losing all willpower. I also feel that I cannot confide in anyone because they are not able to help in my situation.

 

Today it kind of snapped as I woke up yesterday with a sharp chest pain when I breathe or in a certain position but I went to work anyway as I thought it would be good to distract me away from all these lifes' issues. I think I am generally a worrier and I get myself too embroiled in my family's troubles. However I call this responsibility and I feel its a sense of responsibility towards my family, my mom especially. I am the pillar, but this pillar is short of collapsing.

 

The chest pain was too unbearable and I had to go visit the doctor's and I was diagnosed as having Costochondritis. I was like what the heck was that as I was not even doing any strenuous workout. The painkillers the doc gave me took away all the pain and I continued to work despite the fact that I should rest. I just wished I could have some sort of cardiac arrest and die just like that. I have been having major pains every other months which I highly suspect was due to all the stress at home and at work and everytime I feel a little elated that I might die from some sort of 4th stage cancer and you have only 3-6 months to live thoughts which was why I was quick to see a doc to get a diagnosis. Every time I left the clinic disappointed with the negative results for anything tested.

 

The world is depressed enough as it is and even with this I feel like I am adding burden to people which I absolutely abhorred.

 

......

[Silverbirch]

It sounds to me that you are anything but a burden. I'm sorry for you and your mother. It's not fair though for anyone, especially your father to expect you to take responsibility for what is essentially his problem. Please take care of your health and well-being.