KariMarin Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Hi all! I am a 36 year old woman involved with a 32 year old man. We have been together for a year now. It has been wonderfully happy, full of ups and downs, but each experience has been rich and meaningful, and we have both grown quite a bit. I am a very open and caring person, willing to do just about anything for those that I value. He is the same way. We have thrived despite our scars from life and I know that I am the one that he feels he was meant to be with. He never ever thought our relationship could be possible. We've spent hours in tears with each other, confiding and discussing our lives and what we mean to each other - and trust me when I say that such times like this do NOT come easily to this man. He is a rock, and hides his emotions well most times. He's been devastated in love and hasn't been the same, as I have as well. I moved into a new house this year, and he was there every step of the way this Spring, helping me paint, and fix it up - I have a roommate from school that lives with me as well, and she also became good friends with my guy. He's a very goal driven person, and where he has helped me immensely, I have also helped him with college classes and in general life things. We just work SO well together and we laugh more than we are mad. His career is seasonal, so in the winter time, he is able to focus on school and some remodeling jobs he has to do. Well, since I moved in, we have practically lived together. We really have spent a lot of time together, probably too much than is healthy, and I get that. But when his work season ended, he was at my house all day every day while I was at work. (He can't drive right now, so he does depend on me for his rides to and from home) I was really sick a couple weeks ago and had to take 3 days off of work. During that time, he seemed to boil over. We didn't argue, we didn't fight, but I think it just got to be too much. He packed up all the items that he'd kept at my house and said that he just needed space. He took 2 days away, worked on school work and projects, and came back around to go help me car shop. That night together, after 2 days apart, was fabulous - he was exploding with feelings and explanations of why he shut down and left, and held me so tight and kept telling me how much he loved me and that he was sorry, that he just needs time alone to get stuff done. WELL I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT - I never gave him any indication that I didn't WANT him to have his space. It's how you approach the matter - leaving in a huff is not the way to ask for some time to accomplish things. Trust me, I am one of the most understanding and flexible people.... So, after that "renunion" that night, we discussed how things will be until he gets his projects finished. It gives me time to do other things as well, and I look forward to it. But even after discussing all that, he continued to stay at my house night after night and a few days - we got closer and got over the incident, but then again, last night, it's like he erupted with stress again..... I KNOW he loves me, this isn't a matter of playing games and being a jerk. But I panic. I often need someone to help me keep my perspective because my girly emotions tell me I am losing him. Sometimes he's an emotional weakling and others he just blows me away with his thoughts and words. We have talked today, and he's irritable and grouchy and doesn't want to make any sort of plans until tomorrow. He does have a ton of schoolwork to do and we had some big plans this weekend. My true question here is this: I feel as though I am being taken for granted now. SO, the healthiest thing to do for myself and for our relationship is to give him space. We've all heard it before....But when giving space, taking time for myself, do I contact him at all? Good night, good morning, love you, etc? He hasn't said our relationship is over and we know he needs time to get projects done....What to do???? Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 It sounds kind of weird that he "boils over" every few days when there's been extra closeness or time spent. Sounds like an overstimulated toddler. I don't get it. Link to comment
KariMarin Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 He has never done that, really - it's more like he's battling some sort of inner war - pressuring himself to get this stuff done, to do stuff for himself and basically have some space. But I give you space, and you come back even stronger, only to realize that you can't balance time for us with the need for accomplishment? There are 24 hours in a day.... I think he's overly stressed and putting too much pressure on himself. Until the past month, this hasn't been an issue - I can be super sensitive and over reactive, and we may have had a conflict, but it's always been resolved within a day with good conversation. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Just makes me wonder what would happen if you ACTUALLY lived together. Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Have you ever tried picking a day each week he won't spend with you...it's like date night in reverse....I did this with my ex every week on Thursday he'd stay at his apartment no matter what. At firt it felt stupid and contrived and after a few weeks we both come to expect it and really enjoy having a night apart without haveing to ask for it. I even joked that if we go married he'd still want his night and I'd be okay with it. Since he has his own place it might be worth a try. Link to comment
KariMarin Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Heather you're right - For months it was perfectly normal - I think he feels like he was delaying some projects and maybe felt like he was slacking on his own stuff - and just can't balance it all. He's always been very independent, and I've loved that about him, but after being at my house day in and day and NOT getting these things done for himself made him feel like less of a man? But why shut me out? Link to comment
KariMarin Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 LSD, this is what we had been talking about - I'm all for it. I'd even be ok with 2 nights - while I love being with him, I've lost touch in many ways with other activities and I have known that - so I am grateful for a bit of a reality check. But what I don't get is the fact that it's had to get to a boiling point and then he gets angry and goes silent. For example, after 2 days apart before due to his dramatic exit (and trust me, the drama was pretty new), we had a GREAT talk about what we both really need. We stayed together that night, and then due to a Docor's appointment he had in an office near me, he stayed again another night so he could get to the Doctor in the morning. We stayed apart one night, and then his daughter was in town for the weekend and they spent it at my house so she could see my roommate and my dog. That was a GREAT weekend and we had a good time. Now this week he's being squirrely again. I know sometimes I push for answers. I don't like silence. Take time apart, fine - say goodnight? Please. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 It shouldn't have to be like this. He should be able to take time away from you and you from him without things having to come to a head because you have been spending too much time together. To me, it seems like neither of you do much outside of the relationship. It certainly shouldn't be a case of you wondering if it is ok to contact him during your time apart. It's great to have space, but not so great when he acts so childish about it, letting it get to the stage where he's stressed and them running away and being grouchy and irritable with you. I would suggest making more plans to do things without him. If he suggests coming over on a particular night tell him that you have made plans but will see him the next night if he isn't busy. Do this a few times and it might change the dynamic of the relationship for the better. Link to comment
KariMarin Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Thanks Pumpkin - Like I said, I'm fine with that - if he would just say it normally. As of right now, I consider him no contact until I hear from him. Let him stew and stress and realize that such things can be balanced. Hey buddy, just TELL me, like I would tell him, I need to do this tonight, I need to do that tonight, but I'll say hi when I get home, etc. It SHOULDN'T have to be this way. I think there's something else going on. I don't think he's ending the relationship at all. He's the type that would just end it. There is no one else, I am sure. I guess I just panic and second guess the strength of our relationship and maybe I've pushed too much, I don't know - but when the guy that you love starts acting like this, it sure does rattle some foundations. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 That's understandable. Rattle his by giving him more space than he actually wants. Like another poster said, what would he be like if you were living together? It doesn't sound like he is seeing anyone else or wants to end the relationship. Maybe it is just a case of him getting stressed and having to get away for a little while. He is going about it the wrong way though. Maybe you could talk to him and tell him how this makes you feel and just ask him to be a little more tactful about it in the future. Link to comment
KariMarin Posted February 1, 2013 Author Share Posted February 1, 2013 Well tonight he texted at 6:30 asking if I had plans for the night. In fact I'd made an appointment for hair highlights, so I replied, "I'm leaving now to have my hair highlighted." Nothing for about an hour when he wrote another text venting about how tough his homework had been. I replied an hour later saying, "I'm sorry." Nothing since. Link to comment
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