I want my ex back

[anon45677]

Hey,

 

I posted on this site a while ago about my girlfriend of the time and was advised to break up with her by some users, which I did. I was clinically depressed when I posted the original thread on here because my best friend had passed away, my parents split up and I had no job, no income and bills to pay. I broke up with my partner because my depression was causing me to snap at her and treat her like absolute rubbish and that in turn made me feel completely disgusting. We were together for 4 years, after about a year, I started worrying about whether I loved her or not because that feeling of excitement and infactuation had gone away like it does with all relationships after a long time. I was confused about whether I loved her or not and so told her and we split up for about a week. After that, we got back together and I never battered an eyelid at that feeling of normality with her again. I knew I loved her becuase I was always happy to see her after work, we planned our future together and things were going really well. We moved in together, we spent all our time together and it was the best 3 years of my life after what happened, right up until my friend died. It really hit me hard and I could do nothing about it, I wanted to destroy everything and because of a few things people had said on here, I broke up with her. They had no idea about the death of my friend, my parents splitting up, my debt and lack of work because I didn't think to write about it properly. I did what I thought was best for her, I hated the way that I was treating her because of my depression and I loved her so much, I wanted to protect her from me so I broke up with her. I wanted to have some time to myself to deal with my problems without her having to suffer, I needed counselling, I needed lots of help to get through everything that had happened. It's been almost 5 months since we broke up and I've worked through all my problems and I want to patch things up with my ex but there is a problem. After we broke up, she was very upset and really wanted to get back together for 2 weeks, we spoke a lot, I felt like I had done absolutely nothing to better myself as a person and told her after we went on a date that I didn't think it was a good idea quite yet. She took this badly and after those 2 weeks, she completely changed her mind and told me she wanted to get used to being single and had accepted what has happened. This absolutely crushed me and my depression deepend to a scary level. I wanted to tell her that I had arranged to see a counsellor and wanted to try again in the not too distant future but she'd said what she said and I felt like I needed to respect that decision so I said "ok" to put it simply. After another week, I told her that I wanted to speak to her and that I wanted to get back together but she got really upset and said she didn't think that she could. I tried again and this time started to explain why I broke up with her and gave her all my reasons but she said the same thing, she didn't think she could get back together but maybe in the future, "you never know what the future holds," were her exact words. I wrote her a letter telling her everything in detail and that I would always be there and I would do anything, no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens, I would always love her and I would always be there for her and I would fight for us. She said again, "I don't think I can get back together." I said that I would give her the space she needs and stop asking her about it and I heard nothing about how she was feeling about things, heard nothing about any progress she feels she's made for 2 months and it was so hard for me to keep my cool. I have seriously contemplated suicide beacuse I've destroyed the one good thing that I had, I love her so deeply and I miss her so much but she seems so hurt that she'll never overcome it. I went to see her before new years eve and we spoke about things because I needed an update about what she thought she wanted. I told her she didn't have to make a decision, I just needed to know that she either 1. wanted to get back together, 2. didn't want to get back together or 3. didnt know if she wanted to get back together or not. She said that she didn't know, she told me she was still angry at me and hurt and started crying. She finds it very hard to talk about her feelings, I said that's ok and I'm sorry for asking but I was finiding it really difficult and felt like I had been left in the dark because she'd said she'd think about things but hadn't said anything to me about what she was thinking. After this talk, we had no contact which I expected to last for a long time because I said that I wanted her to make up her mind without pressure from me. This lasted for about a week and she text me saying that again, she didn't think that she could get back together, she's so scared of losing me, she wants me to go to counselling for myself, not for her/us, she doesn't want to hurt me by keeping me waiting, she then said something like, "I hope you're happy in life" but it's all a front. She's still hurting and still doesn't really know what she wants. She's feeling that feeling that I was, but I will put up with the pain for her because I want her. I told her that I couldn't accept that and I would always be there for her, she has my heart and she always will, I will always be there for her because I love her and I would do anything for her. She said I had to not tell her things like that and I apologised, I asked her if she still loved me so that I could have that definite answer when she said no but she said "I don't know, I love you but I don't feel in love. So much has happened.x" A few more words were exchanged, then we didn't speak for 3 weeks...I text her the other day to arrange to get my houes key back from her and to drop some of her post at her flat. I told her that I was sorry for being rubbish at respecting her decision and that I want to be friends. I went there with the intention of not speaking to her again until she spoke to me but she looked absolutely incredible, she looked deeply into my eyes for a long time while we were talking and I could see she still felt love for me. She invited me in, she said that she was lonely and I completely caved in after I left hers. I love this girl so much, with all my heart, I can't believe that we'll never be together but I don't know how to go about getting her back. Someone please help me, I don't want anyone else in life, I love her so much. I don't know what to do to get her back. She said that she wants to be friends and I don't think I can ever be just friends. I love her and it's such a strong feeling. I have cried every single day since I lost her, I love her completely and need her. Please help me

[toby17]

paragraphs?

[Michelle23]

You need to give it one last shot. Face to face. Get everything off your chest. Tell her exactly what you have said here. Thats the only way you can try to make it work again if you put all your feelings out there and let her decide what she wants to do.

 

If she rejects you-at least you tried. If she comes back. You've won and hopefully you will never take her for granted again. During tough times, you should lean on your partner. Not push her away. I recommend you do that in future.

[wowor]

Go see the counselor.

 

Quit apologizing.

 

You've got to get you back. It's clear you're suffering. You put her through a lot of hurt; she wants the confident in her life. Not someone who is always apologizing. That will come out over time.

[anon45677]

Thanks for that Toby...not helpful.

 

I didn't read this thread again before I talked to her...

 

I sent her this message this morning and I've had no reply yet and to be honest, I'm not really expecting one -

 

"I have been thinking the last few weeks and I want to say that I have accepted your decision, I've tried to come to terms with being friends now but after seeing you on monday, it became very apparent that my feelings won't go away if I'm in contact with you so we have to have no contact while I come to terms with it and start to move on. I'm so sure of myself and my feelings now, I've worked through all my other problems with counselling and have come to terms with them all and I feel like the old me again. I feel strong and almost happy again but if what you told me really is true, that you don't think you can get back together, then I can't be friends and I need to get over you because this is something that really hurts me.

 

My love for you is the one thing that has stayed very clear in my mind after working through everything and if its not reciprocated, this has to happen. I'm so sorry, I want to be there for you, I don't want you to have to lose me but it has to happen in order for this to be resolved. We both have to let go to move on. I mean this with utmost respect and please correct me if I'm wrong, I'm only saying this how I see it from my side, you tried so hard to be definitive when you text me 4 weeks ago but the words still resonate in my mind, "I love you but I don't feel in love," "I don't Think I can go back into a relationship with you," "I'm so scared of losing you," and finally, "I don't think I could handle another breakup," they all sound to me like you still aren't sure, and the most painful part is that you don't trust my word. I feel like you haven't had enough time to get over the hurt and the anger and return to the Emma you really are and make a clear decision.

 

My feelings will stay until I actively do something about it and now I feel strong, I'm being mature and making the decision, based on what you told me, to start trying to get over you. I've accepted what I did, it crushed me to know how much I hurt you and I know I made a terrible decision but I've learned from it now and I will never make that mistake again with anyone. I have achieved what I set out to do with counselling and changed the way I think about stressful situations. I want you to be happy and if not being with me will make you happy, then this is the right thing to do. It will take a very long time for me to get over you, I'm not saying that to scare you, I just want to make sure you understand that I'm talking about many months, maybe even years of no contact. I will be in touch one day or if you feel differently before that day, please drop me a text and we can meet up for a drink and a chat. Please take care of yourself monkey xxxx"

 

I apologised...I want to be there for her but I can't because I will go insane and if she's really moving on, it will be too hard for me. I didn't do it face to face because I want to give her all the space to read and think about it and she can decide whether she wants to reply or not. I feel this way puts her under the least amount of pressure possible.

 

I am hurting so please be understanding, I said to her that I want her to get in touch if she changes her mind so we can meet for a drink and a chat because I still love her so much and I won't lie to her about that. I want her to know that I am now taking the steps I need to to dissolve that love I have for her because she's said "I don't think I can get back together" so many times, I need that definite answer and she's not giving it to me so I am chosing to walk away and hopefully she will see that I have changed for the better, I am stronger. What I really want to happen from this is for her to contact me. I'm not going to feel differently about her for a very long time but eventually, I know it will come if she doesn't get in touch. I don't know how long it will take but right now I'm thinking almost in decades. I feel now after reading this that I have said it slightly wrong and messed up any chances...I've explained a lot, if not all, of what I have posted in the past so she knows everything. I feel like if she does contact me, it will be out of panic/worry rather than a desire to be with me...ugh. Whoever decided that love was a necessary emotion for humans to experience needs to be told otherwise.

[appies]

Well good job on allowing both of you to take a big step back. For future messages, short is sweet. A long emotional message can over stimulate them.