why do i always make these stupid mistakes??!

[bambicat]

i have been in a kind of relationship with someone for about 5 months, by that i mean we talk everyday and get along well but we havent had sex or anything yet. he is five years older than me, i am 20. when we first met i was just starting school and he hadnt yet and after we knew each other for about a month and got more comfortable with each other, i noticed that we got in fights alot, over kinda stupid things. then that kinda stopped for a few months, but now he has started school and has been 'upset' alot recently. 95% of the time we are really happy when together and have no problems, but sometimes if we are both in bad moods we start fighting over something stupid.

for example, today i was driving home and he called me and he seemed okay and he asked how i was and i tried to make a joke (since we joke around with eachother all the time with no problems) and he suddenly got like a serious tone to his voice (what he does when he is mad) and said something like, dont say that, im upset and not in the mood to joke around..and then that made me mad, so i just didnt say anything for a few moments, and he asked where i was and stuff and told me he was fighting with his family, then i couldnt help it and said to him, why are you being an ******* to me just because youre upset with them? and of course he gets angry when i curse and he told me we'l talk later. well when i got home icalled him and tried to explain that i was sorry and that i got mad because he hurt my feelings when i was trying to be nice. he acted like i KNEW he was upset before he told me. and i tried to be calm, but he always has an excuse for everything i say. he is very stubborn, and i think he realizes that he was mean to me but just doesnt want to admit it. so now he is upset and we havent talked since earlier today, but by tonight or tomorrow everything will probably be okay. but basically all the stupid fighting came out of nowhere and escalated so quickly.

 

i know i am talking about HIM, but i do realize that I do the same things to him, probably more so than he does to me. we are very similar in the way that we are both stubborn and both never want to admit that we are wrong. i think we both also get stressed out too easily. its also not only him that i will get mad at, ill be mad at my family too.

he is a really nice guy and really respectful of me, he never curses, he isnt violent physically or anything, does not drink or do drugs or anything, neither of us do. when i am with him i am really happy,and even though i never really tell him that, he tells me that he is too. we do help each other alot and spend alot of time together.. i really do like him and care for him, and i feel that he does for me too.

 

i am just really feeling bad right now and basically need to get this out, because i know thatt everything will probably be okay soon...

i feel really guilty for calling him names and making him evenmore angry, because he probably really wasin the first place and i shouldve just kept my mouth shut and none of this wouldve happened.

 

but WHY do we always get inthese kinda fights? i hate it so much and hope that this doesnt start again. i know i usually cause it and i really need to start controlling myself when i get offended or angry or whatever. but is it his fault too? i dont want to just stop talking to him because we fight, i mean i cant see that any relationship is ever PERFECT?? is it normal though to fight over such dumb trivial stuff??

[Heather Dawn]

You're in a "kind of relationship"? Have you met in person?

[bambicat]

i met him first at work, and it started as just friends, but we have only known each other for a few months... we really really like each other i guess, but to me i dont know if its been long enough to really be a relationship, just my opinion

[Heather Dawn]

Five months is long enough to call it a relationship - if both parties agree that it is, of course...lol.

 

He sounds like a bit of a jerk, though, to be honest.

[HeatherB]

What you describe here is not a fight. It's you taking offense at him contradicting you. You are right that you need to start controlling yourself. Your reactivity is not his fault.

 

• He told you he didn't feel like joking around. That's not something to get angry over. You should respect his wishes.
  
• Name calling is never okay.
  
• A tense tone of voice is acceptable and not grounds for retaliation. It is cause for concern. When he sounds tense, ask him what is going on. Show compassion. That's your job as a girlfriend.
  
• Getting mad at someone who just told you he was having a hard time with his family is a low blow. The correct response is to ask what's wrong. Even if he doesn't want to talk about it, you still should show concern.
  

 

No, no relationship is ever perfect. And no, it is not normal to fight over such stuff. Relationships do not survive when everyday conversations regularly get personal and mean. You need to try harder to see things from his point of view and react to him with compassion instead of aggression.