Found something I wasn't supposed to find.

[Youngrelations]

I'm a first time poster, been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years. We're both nineteen and each others first everything.

 

I remembered he had an old account on a website that he used to post threads ext. Was always pretty open about it. So today I looked it up out of curiosity and came upon one thread he had started titled "Why are girls not responding to attempted eye contact/smiling?" He goes on to say that he never notices girls checking him out or giving him the opportunity to initiate eye contact ext..even though he's an attractive guy and most girls think he is handsome. He says he's always properly groomed and dressed his best when he goes out, so he doesn't understand the lack of attention. He says it's not that it's never happened, he's had a girl eye-**** him hard but it's rare.

 

Reading this as his girlfriend is pretty upsetting..as he's trying to get the attention of other women that he finds attractive. I think he'd like women to look at him more so he feels the validation that he is good looking. But why must he initiate eye contact with random attractive girls when he has me? I feel really upset right now. I can't tell him about this because he'll know I snooped and it was very wrong to do so. But I don't want to be thinking about how many girls he's staring down/trying to get attention from every time he goes out to a bar ext..

 

Is it something i'm doing wrong? Am I not giving him enough reassurance that he's attractive? Am I not good enough that he has to look/attract other women? Is this a red flag?

 

There has never been infidelity in our relationship before. And as far as I know he's never given me a reason to not trust him.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[ssgirl1010]

I am so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. I can only imagine.

 

Can you please clarify when he posted this thread? Was it during your relationship?

[Youngrelations]

Yes. It was 15 days ago.

[ssgirl1010]

I think you need to confront him about this. Why on earth does he care about other girls giving him eye contacting and smiling at him? And, why on earth does he care so much to post a thread about it and ask for advice?

 

From what you have said, I do not think you are doing anything wrong. He clearly has a problem - whether it is insecurity or whether he is looking for a new partner or some other reason. It may not matter at the end what the "reason" is because the fact of the matter is that he did something that you don't do when you are in a relationship. Perhaps, my views are sounding extreme but to me this would be a huge red flag. I can only imagine how crushed you must feel.

 

What he has done is *not* okay.

 

Ask yourself, would he be okay if you did the same thing? I seriously hope not.

 

Please don't blame yourself. You have not done anything wrong.

 

Do you feel that you can talk to him about what you discovered?

[Youngrelations]

I can't talk to him about this because technically I snooped and invaded his privacy. I've done this twice before in the span of two years and he gets extremely angry with me as it is a breech of trust and privacy. I understand this but have let my curiosity get the best of me. If I brought this up, and told him that I found the post becuase I looked through his account all hell would break loose and I would feel like the bad guy.

[ssgirl1010]

Okay, I can understand that on some level but I would not be able to hold this back. If it was me, I would come clean about checking the site and what was discovered. How much privacy can he expect though if he is posting his question about girls on a website?

 

If he were to get angry at you, it would be more so because he got caught not because you "invaded" his privacy. By the way, I don't think you invaded his privacy but I can empathize with how you feel.

 

Is this something that you are willing to let go and live with?

[lavenderdove]

OK, this sounds like a very young and immature guy...

 

and this is ridiculous: 'he's had a girl eye-**** him hard but it's rare.' Shows he just doesn't have a clue how women's minds work which could explain his lack of success with attracting them!

 

He's probably read one too many Penthouse or Maxim magazine articles.. it's like he thinks he wants to be a really cool guy with such a laser hot eye beam that women fall at his feet... i would be chortling if i read this, not crying, because he's really naive.

 

But what is important is that he is obviously not thinking/acting like a guy who wants to be in a committed relationship. he wants to slay women with his eyes and have them fall at his feet!

 

I think a breakup is probably inevitable when he starts writing stuff like this. He probably doesn't like being alone so won't dump you until he's managed to 'slay' some other women with his magic eye-beam!

 

I know that makes you sad, but you should be disgusted, not sad, at what a silly jerk he is being. I'd just tell him what you read, then dump him. I'd tell him, 'Good luck with all that eye beaming... i need to go out and find a guy with a better beam than yours,who wants to only beam in my direction!!'

[HeatherB]

Just start telling him he's hot more often. If you want to make him even happier, next time you're out with him say something along the lines of: "Omygod, that chick over there is totally checking you out. I'm so jealous! Seems like everyone around here wants you! Must be that shirt. Or that you're so hot." Feed his ego, since that's what he wants more of.

[Kamisaur]

He posted on a public forum. I don't really think that's snooping.

 

You need to confront him on this. And if he tries to turn it around on you, have none of that.

[HeatherB]

It's just eye contact and smiling. What's the big deal? Everyone likes attention. If guys never looked back or smiled back at me, I'd wonder what was up too. And I would never cheat.

 

When you snoop you find out stuff you'd rather not know. So be ready to leave the relationship before you snoop. Otherwise just don't look.

[chickydoodle]

Maybe you could start a conversation with him about how some random guy stared hard at you; how uncomfortable it made you feel ......that he came accross as a creep....How you and your g'f's usually find men like this so juvenile....but this one was creepy......???

It may make him think twice about trying to catch girl's eyes if he's gonna be considered juvenile - or creepy????

[gabriella777]

Would your bf start that thread while you are looking at the screen, sitting next to him? Would your bf try to make eye contact with other women while with you?

If the answer to the above is no, then he is doing something wrong. In relationships, respect is about allowing YOU to know everything there is to know about your partner. Why? Because if you don't know everything there is to know (as in, whatever is practically possible to know), you are living under an illusion. You think your bf has characteristic X, but in reality, he has characteristic Y.

In effect, what I'm saying is that he is deceiving you about some of his characteristics.

 

I always think that it's better to know the truth - it allows you to learn more about people, relationships and yourself.

 

I don't think you did ANYTHING wrong. You are completely justified in doing what you did - I would have done the same! The fact that you snooped means that you had suspicions (even slight suspicions). And you were proven right. And I don't think he has any right to get angry at you - remember that he is the one who has done something wrong. If he gets angry, it's not because you did something wrong. He's just using it as a defence mechanism to protect the view he has of himself.

 

If you really can't confront him about this, I suggest you leave him.

[EssexMan]

remember that he is the one who has done something wrong.

 

What has he actually done wrong?

 

(I assume the OP has printed out this whole thread and left it on his pillow.)

[gabriella777]

What has he actually done wrong?

 

(I assume the OP has printed out this whole thread and left it on his pillow.)

 

What he has done wrong is to try and initiate eye contact with other women. And he seems to care so much about it to post about it on a forum. I understand that we all need validation but consciously trying to initiate eye contact and smiling to other women is blatant disrespect for the OP. He wouldn't do it in front of her, would he?

[EssexMan]

What he has done wrong is to try and initiate eye contact with other women. And he seems to care so much about it to post about it on a forum. I understand that we all need validation but consciously trying to initiate eye contact and smiling to other women is blatant disrespect for the OP.

 

That depends, surely, on his motive for it. I agree it's somewhat strange, but since there's no indication he wants to do anything more than establish that he can create eye contact, I don't see a lot of harm.

 

If the OP wants to challenge him about it (and I'm not sure that would be wise), I think the issue would be why he feels the need to do it, not that he's doing it.

[Heather Dawn]

The sad thing is, you're only 19 and have been together since you were 14. It sounds like he's feeling the itch to experience what it's like to be single and/or with other women.