Married man and the guilt factor

[Talia04]

I am new to this forum but I just thought that instead of asking everyone around me, I should get the advice of people I do not know.

 

About 5 months ago I started working @ a hair salon. He's been here a lot longer. He never approached me with any thing until about 2 months ago. And he came on strong. I am really bad about saying "no" especially to things that I know are wrong, always been that way. So the whole entire flirting thing started. It did not because more physical until about a month ago. We have not slept together or anything but the other night things went further than usual. I am fine with it, but he told me he feels guilty about it.

 

He has told me that he has done this many times before and I do believe it's in his nature. I am not in love with this man, but do like him a lot and respect him. I know he loves his wife and 3 kids but that makes me wonder why he has to cheat then. He hasn't done it for 2 years and I am the first since then.

 

I do not want to lose my "connection" with him and am afraid he is feeling way too guilty tho, his actions towards me have not changed.

 

Someone give me some advice. BTW, this relationship is based on mostly attractiveness and sexual activity not commitment. I am fine with that too.

 

Some help me~

[Howtocope]

Think of what his wife would feel like if she knew. Are you OK with that? What if that were you?

[pineapplegirl]

Talia04:

>Are you certain that you won't get emotionally attached? Be honest with yourself.

 

>If you do end up sleeping with him, how will it affect your work environment?

 

>The wrong thing may feel good briefly, but what are the consequences in the long run.

 

>How do you feel about being on the long list of women he has hooked up with on the side?

 

>Please see the thread "My affair" in the infidelity forum.

 

Good luck.

[idontgetit]

just a thought and i may be wayyy off base, but in the past, people i've known who wanted to and even actively went after married man viewed it as a commitment free relationship, knowing that the guy would never leave his wife. is this the case here, and if so, i think there are probably other questions to ask yourself.

 

if that's not the issue, than yes, what about the wife and children?

 

two other perspectives. imagine you're the wife and have three children at home while your husband is off sowing his oats with whoever comes around?

 

other option, imagine you're one of his kids and you walk in to see your dad in some other woman's embrace...

 

and i don't believe the "i haven't done it in 2 years line" he says that to assuage his own guilt, and make you feel like you're doing nothing wrong.

[nightrider]

i am wondered why are you still wanna be that man? you must get out of this relation. you allready know he has been cheating with you and with his wife. i m sorry to say but you will have to get out of this relation

[Talia04]

I def don't want him to leave her because I really the fact that once a cheater always a cheater. All I get out of this relationship is the fact that it's wrong and it makes it that much more fun. I believe me and him have feelings invested into this but not once that are strong enough to ruin the work environment. I kind of believe that I am strong and mature enough to handle this relationship and still be just fine at work.

 

The long run really doesnt bug me too much because the only thing I came into this relationship wanting was the fact that I could get the married man who has a ring on his finger. I am wrong for thinking this way and go ahead and bass me for it, I probably deserve it all.

 

I enjoy the feeling of knowing how wrong this is. This isn't my first involvement with a married man. I think it's just a good way to escape my own commitment issues. I am a cheater myself and that's that.

 

Me and him enjoy eachother's company and the secret that we hold. All it is, is just that.

[pinkbiologist]

Listen, this is not some romance movie with happy endings. It's life, and life is messy. This man isn't overwhelmed by your amazing body or smile or intelligence...he's looking for a good and easy girl in the sack. If you aren't sleeping together, you will be soon.

 

Do you really want to be the other woman? Not to mention if this is just a "looks and attractiveness" thing, the man could be tainted with God knows what. Get out while you still have a little bit of self respect. Go to a good therapist and figure out why you'd even want a married man, and quit your job if you have to. You're worth more than just being some shampoo boy's mistress.

 

Good luck.

[pinkbiologist]

And by the way, helping a man with three kids and a wife is neither strong nor mature. Get a real life honey, and do away with this slime. All your explanations have the distinct taste of a sad girl trying to convince herself she's not doing something wrong. Well you are. Not wrong for the two of you, wrong for his wife and kids. Have some shame.

[pineapplegirl]

You're worth more than just being some shampoo boy's mistress

 

> Bravo pinkbiologist...I couldn't have said that any better myself.

[nightrider]

ladies!ladies!ladies! why do you sleep with man before marry? you are made this big mistake.

[Talia04]

Granted I should have some shame for the things I do. But let's look a the big picture... it is his shame for cheating not mine. I do feel guilty since I do see his wife once in a while. But still it never stops me. Plus you cannot judge what is in my head until u are in my shoes. He is a good man and he takes care of his responsibilites but the fact is, I like being the "shampoo boy's girl". I want to be sleeping with him and if he doesnt decide that he feels to guilty to go on... I will and be perfectly ok with that.

 

I do not believe that my ideas are excuses for why I do this. I know why. And as I sit here at work now and look at him, my emotions of wanting to continue the affair do not go away.

 

I don't think me and him will develop any more feelings for eachother. I think the biggest problem with me is the fact that I refuse or don't want to look ahead.

[Talia04]

"quit your job if you have to"

 

That's one thing I refuse to do. I'll deal with whatever comes of this situation but I will not change my life because of the infidelity on our parts.

[Howtocope]

Why do you ask our opinions then? If you know what you are doing is wrong.. if you don't mind hurting an innocent woman... if you have no shame.. then why ask our opinion of you? It seems to me as though you are just bragging about how bad you are.

[Talia04]

an opinion is just that... an opinion.

 

I am not trying to brag about what i do but i am not that ashamed of it. I will always do what I want and that's that.

 

I understand ur bashful comments.. I do deserve them. I am messing with someone I shouldn't be messing with. But it's like when you were little and someone told u not to do something, you only wanted to that much more. I don't feel any less respected because of it either.

[pinkbiologist]

Nightrider, you're either in jail or giving out your cell phone number online and you're tsking ladies for sleeping with a man before marriage? That's like buying a used car without test driving it. Get real.

[Day_Walker]

Regardless of how this situation turns out you will still have a "connection" with this guy. I dont believe thats something that you have to worry about. It seems funny that you said that you respect this guy, given the type of situation that was a poor choice of words. The situation is gonna go how far you want it to go. Telling you that what you are doing is right or wrong is irrelevant to me because im sure u already have an idea or you dont care. Figure out how far you want this relationship to go, however becoming emotionally attached to this guy will only complicate the kind of relationship you want with this guy (since its based on looks and sex). Over time it will be hard for you not to develop feelings for this guy. Just make sure not to get caught up in his drama, because as you have already seen people are going to blame you for knowingly messing with a married man.

[Talia04]

thanks day_walker for not bashing me .

 

I am def aware of the situation and would could possible come out of it. I understand the fact that maybe in the long run one or both of us could develop feelings, but I don't think that will happen. It's just kind of started feelingless and hope it stays that way.

 

I like the way we are now and hope it stays that way. Still hoping he doesnt feel to guilty to move on.

[lady00]

If I were in your shoes, I'd end this relationship immediately. It's cheating and it's based solely on physical attraction...neither of these factors ever makes for a worthwhile relationship in the long run and these things just end up hurting people (imagine if his wife and kids ever found out?). This is a lose-lose situation.

[pineapplegirl]

based solely on physical attraction

 

neither of these factors ever makes for a worthwhile relationship in the long run

 

>Society says that you "can't base a relationship on lust"...but, basing it on an evening at the coffee shop is okay??? Maybe I stand alone with this, but I don't think that a relationship started off with sex is pre-determined to be a lose-lose situation.

 

>As far as the infidelity...to each his own...

[tiger_lilies]

Talia04,

 

Your headline says "guilt factor" Do you feel guilty about fooling around with a married man?

 

Or is it just HIS guilt that you are questioning us about?

[Talia04]

I am def asking about HIS guilt. I am fully aware of how I feel and how guilty. I may stand alone here too, but I do think that a relationship based on lust can be ok in the long run. If both people are mature enough to handle it for what it is, and consequently keep their mouths shut about it.... what's the long term effect?

 

His wife should know what kind of person she married and that's not really up to me to discuss. His family is just that.... HIS. I am selfish about this situation since I am thinking about my life and fun.

 

But hey if I didn't think about myself.... who would?

[tiger_lilies]

A relationship based on lust will get boring after a while....trust me, i know. If you use each other for just sex...the sex will get boring and you will want to move onto something more fullfilling.

 

I can't speak for the married guy...but I imagine that this is probably quite exciting for him and also quite convenient as well since it's at work, plus you are on his side about keeping things quiet, thereforeeee what the heck does he have to worry about?

 

I'm guessing that he's saying he feels guilty for your sake only. You say that his actions haven't changed as he continues to flirt with you and I assume that things will eventually lead to sex, no doubt. He probably is saying he feels guilty so that you don't think of him as a total selfish cheater who wants his cake and to eat it too!

 

By saying he feels guilty, but yet does nothing to rectify the situation, he wants you to view him as someone who is "trying" to do the right thing...meaning, not cheat on his family.

 

However, he isn't and here you find yourself wondering if he really is feeling guilty.

 

I assume not, since he's done this before. If he can get away with it, he will...and you are the perfect person for it since you don't seem to care what happens to his family.

 

Well, if it works out for the both of you to get what you want from each other, then no one can stop you.

[Talia04]

I don't want this to stop and honestly I do not think it will because of his "guilt". It's a great way you put it that he is just trying to make himself and me feel better about what he is doing. The sad thing is, is that I know he loves his family but once a cheater always a cheater. He has told me about his life before marriage and he was a total "ladies men" as we'd like to call it. That's probably really hard to get out of ur system. And who am I to judge?

 

I do wonder how far this will go and for how long... if it's not me it'll be someone else, but I would rather it be me. I enjoy his company and our conversations. We are more than just "sex" tho that's where the feelings are mostly. Aside from that we are friends who talk to eachother about our lives, problems, happy times and sad times. We ask eachother opinions. He finds in necessary to introduce me to everyone who he counts as important or special in his life, which makes me feel better about all this. Above all I believe that he is how I am going to be when I am his age since he is 14 yrs older than I am.

 

Main point, I don't want it to go away. I think work would become boring and difficult if HE decides to stop (since I won't). We'll see what happens tho. He says he's stuck between a rock and a heart place.

 

I have no choice but to support his ideas and choices (which I hope are the same ones I've made).

[Talia04]

Okay so I am may a lil' oblivious to the fact that one of us will catch some feelings. I got a new lil' surprise this morning.... he is off today but decided to call and say hi and that he missed hearing my voice. See things like that I did not expect. I wonder about his intentions more and more everyday.

 

They say that everyone cheats because there is something wrong in the marriage or commitment. I still don't see what could possible be wrong. He seems happy about his kids and wife and their sex life, so why is he still looking around?