Boyfriend does nude photography.

[jesscat]

My boyfriend and I are both seniors in college. He does photography as a side job while we're studying. I don't mind the photography but recently he's been doing more nudes or lingerie shots with girls from our school. I don't want to be jealous because I know it's what he loves to do and that he really enjoys it, but I can't help getting a bit upset every time he says he's about to go do a photo shoot with so and so and that he's extremely excited and that she's just stunningly gorgeous. How do I get over this?

[metrogirl]

Date an ugly guy instead? *shrugs shoulders*

 

Seriously, has he ever given you any reason not to trust him? He's with you for a reason.

[jesscat]

Our relationship had a really rocky start of him not being forthright in how he felt about other girls in his life and me finding out through third parties or by him slipping and saying something. Recently it hasn't been that way but I always worry that maybe one of these models will be the same issue as the girls before.

[HeatherB]

Ummm. That's quite the hobby. Since it's all legit and on the up and up, I assume he has no problem with you dropping by to help out, provide refreshments, or lend moral support?

[piinklemonade]

Hi Jesscat,

the best thing I can suggest is explain to him that it makes you uncomfortable of the nature of his photography lately, not the photography itself that is bothering you. Explain to him that although you trust him, you can't help but feel uncomfortable because of his past nature to not be honest. If he gets extremely defensive about these girls or begins to blame you for how you feel, that's your first clue to rethink whether the relationship is worth it.

[jesscat]

He tends to like a closed set and only have people who are essential to the photo shoot because he thinks it'll distract the models and make them feel uncomfortable since they are nudes. He does other photo shoots like fashion photography and such so it's never been an issue and it is making him a great deal of money. I don't want to make him feel like I'm not supporting him since I know that was an issue with my ex boyfriend.

[DN]

If he is making good money doing this it would be unfair to try and make him stop because of your insecurities. I suggest you don't try the 'if you loved me you would stop doing this' because that is a two-edged sword.

[meoww]

I can understand why he would not want to bring extra people on to the set. In addition to his reasons, i think it would be would be unprofessional.

 

But, in his case, he already established a pattern where he lies to you about things. So I think that's why your intuition is telling you to wise up and see this guy for who he really is. Does he take nudes of men as well?

 

It may not seem that creepy now, but imagine how that's going to seem when he's older...I was just on instagram and there was this dad (of a famous teen on the site) who is a professional photographer who takes suggestive pictures of his daughter and a lot of other young girls and women. He had pictures of his wife and everything but why all the bikini shots of the teenage girls? He can claim it's art I'm sure but I saw no pictures of boys or men on there.

 

I think you are right not to trust him. Don't give away your heart too easily. Prevention is always easier than damage control after the fact.

 

I think you should tell him you're worried because of your past history. If he just shrugs it off and doesn't take your concerns seriously, or is impatient with you, I'd take it as a very serious red flag. This is going to become a bigger problem both of you don't work together to find middle ground. I'm sure he can make a few compromises for you, like that once in a while you are allowed on set, I'm sure going 2-3 times a year is not going to set him back. Some girls might feel more comfortable knowing the photographers gf is there...

 

If he wants to cheat he is going to find a way to do that despite your efforts. You want to keep your eyes open so that you don't stay in an unhealthy relationship.

[jesscat]

I like to think that he doesn't have any of males because most of our campus is female. There are very few males and since we also have a high gay population counter actively we have a high population of guys trying to prove their masculinity by doing anything to avoid seeming gay. Most of his are clothed and fashion shots for the fashion design majors at our school or head shots for girls trying to get into modeling. I don't want to get in-between him and doing the photography, but how do I get more comfortable with the idea? I take things very slow. It took me two years to warm up to the idea of dating him, and another whole year to actually develop a relationship with him. How am I supposed to go about this?

[HeatherB]

I'd think having another woman on the set would be reassuring, especially a girlfriend. Shows he's not trying to do anything sleazy. Have him teach you how to do the lighting.

 

The setup seems a little gross in general though. Artistic nudes are one thing, but "campus girls in lingerie!" starts to get exploitative. Who wants to date a "glamour" pornographer-lite when you have so many other options available?

[jesscat]

We have a lot of girls on our campus who double as models. Maybe it's because there's a high fashion population, but we have a lot of model body types and a lot of models walking around. They are tasteful nudes it's not like he's just shooting girls in their underwear.

[DN]

Bearing in mind your other recent threads, it doesn't seem you are really ready to be in a relationship. Certainly not one where you don't trust your boyfriend.

[lady00]

My boyfriend and I are both seniors in college. He does photography as a side job while we're studying. I don't mind the photography but recently he's been doing more nudes or lingerie shots with girls from our school. I don't want to be jealous because I know it's what he loves to do and that he really enjoys it, but I can't help getting a bit upset every time he says he's about to go do a photo shoot with so and so and that he's extremely excited and that she's just stunningly gorgeous. How do I get over this?

 

Wait . . . does he actually say that they are gorgeous? I wouldn't appreciate that either. I guess some might find this a silly distinction, but while I think it's fine to think something like that (we're all human, we're going to find other people attractive), I wouldn't say it to a significant other. It's pretty tactless.

[EssexMan]

He tends to like a closed set and only have people who are essential to the photo shoot because he thinks it'll distract the models and make them feel uncomfortable since they are nudes.

 

I believe that's fairly normal with nude photography.

[EssexMan]

Wait . . . does he actually say that they are gorgeous? I wouldn't appreciate that either. I guess some might find this a silly distinction, but while I think it's fine to think something like that (we're all human, we're going to find other people attractive), I wouldn't say it to a significant other. It's pretty tactless.

 

Yes. He should be finding the photographic challenges interesting, not the subjects. (Obviously he's not going to fail to notice that they're attractive, but it shouldn't be front-of-mind.) Jesscat, I don't think you should worry over-much, but you should mention this concern to him without making too huge a deal of it.

[DN]

If he were to do landscape photography and say the scenes he was photographing were gorgeous, no one would think anything of it.

[EssexMan]

If he were to do landscape photography and say the scenes he was photographing were gorgeous, no one would think anything of it.

 

I'm not sure that's quite a valid comparison, but it's a good point.

[SometimesShy]

I have 20+ years in professional photography ( mostly corporate work ), and I've known a few guys that did art photography for fun. Some of these guys would shoot on "closed" sets, so they would be alone with the nude model, and often hanky-panky would happen.

 

If a photographer is photographing nudes for art, then they won't mind having other people around ( make-up artist, photo-assistant, etc... ) because everything is on the up-and-up. If they say they can only work on a "closed" set, then I would not trust them an inch, because there is no reason to shoot like this. As HeatherB suggested, having another woman on the shoot should not be a big deal if they are just trying to shoot artistic nude photos.

[figur]

If he were to do landscape photography and say the scenes he was photographing were gorgeous, no one would think anything of it.

 

But his girlfriend isn't a mountain.

[lady00]

I should be very clear that 'm not suggesting that he's cheating or that he's not trustworthy or anything of the sort. But if he's constantly commenting on how gorgeous other women are, he needs his sensitivity chip repaired! That type of talk seems like it is said in order to make someone jealous. I would never comment on how handsome a bunch of men are to a boyfriend. I don't think it's very nice at all. I just don't think you do that to someone you care about. I don't think it makes them feel very good about themselves even if they have very high self esteem to begin with.

[DN]

But his girlfriend isn't a mountain.

You're missing the point. If he is an enthusiastic photographer, as opposed to lusting after these nude models, the subject will mean the same to him whether it is a mountain, a bowl of fruit, or a nude woman.