notquitepsycho Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 I was sexually abused at ages 10 and 13, and last April I was raped. I went to therapy for many years to attempt to get over issues I had regarding the things from my childhood. The more recent trauma seemed to open up all the old wounds along with creating a new one, and I was in intensive therapy for several months. I'm still seeing someone but less frequently, and I've been able to come off of the majority of the medication for PTSD that I was on (I still take a non-habit forming sleeping pill, but no longer am on benzodiazepines). My doctors say I've made quite a bit of progress. But I'm having troubles with intimacy in my new relationship, the first I had since the rape. The most distressing thing, to me, is that the issues are more related to what happened in my childhood -- I'm having panic attacks, not always but often enough, when I attempt to perform oral sex, something I thought I was over long ago. The guy I'm seeing is very understanding, but at the same time, I wonder just how many times he'll be willing to hold me and say "Shh, it's okay" while suffering from blue balls before having enough. Part of it is that he does take longer to finish, and the partner I had when I was originally working through those issues had a FAR easier trigger. It really seems to hit when anything becomes physically uncomfortable -- if I gag, or if my jaw gets sore. I tried backing off and alternating to hand at that point, but then I have a hard time trying again. My doctor is still willing to prescribe anti-anxiety meds to me, but I don't need them anymore except in this situation, and I shouldn't need pills to be intimate with a person who has never hurt me and logically I don't think ever will. It's just my body remembering and reacting badly... and I don't like it. Does anyone have any suggestions? I have noticed that for me, vestibular memory has a lot to do with things... I react more strongly if I'm in the same position I was in during the trauma. But there's not a lot of other positions to give head from, ya know? Link to comment
iamkaylee Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 You really should bring this up in therapy. You may need to start going more often again, try something different, or even do a medication adjustment. Have you done CBT or similar since the rape? It is very helpful. Congrats on your healing process, it's very difficult and you have a lot to be proud of. Link to comment
Ayanokōji Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 If you are uncomfortable with sexual interactions due to traumatic events from childhood then why not just have close friends? I mean is a relationship really what you are looking for? I think it might be wiser to continue with your treatment and completely recover before pursuing a relationship and put things on hold until then, you don't see an injured athlete continue to train until he/she is fully recovered right? Link to comment
notquitepsycho Posted January 18, 2013 Author Share Posted January 18, 2013 @iamkaylee: I have raised the issue with my therapist (part of the reason I said I was in therapy). Her response was basically to give it time and did reassure me it's pretty normal for a person to experience feelings from past assaults when re-victimized. When I raised it with my doc (the one who does meds) he said the only thing he could do would be write more benzos, and my therapist agrees with me that pills aren't the solution (and talk about insulting to my guy, that I have to take a pill to loosen up!). Guess I'm just impatient and would like to see if anyone else might have an idea that could help. @termus123: A multitude of reasons. It's not the sex act itself that triggers things, it's just oral, and not always (though the longer it goes on the more likely it seems to be I'll react badly -- a few minutes as foreplay before sex hasn't caused me a problem yet). Most guy "friends" don't want to be turned into Cuddle B****es (tm, Google "Ladder Theory") and end up with blue balls that way, too... and I really like to cuddle. I don't know if I'll ever "completely recover" -- I still had occasional nightmares about the abuse when I was a child long before the recent assault, but didn't have flashbacks. I don't know if anyone "completely recover"s from sexual assault. Link to comment
Ayanokōji Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 This probably sounds insane but there are some guys out there who doesn't mind "blue balls" and are fine with cuddling, heck I've even been in a relationship that was pretty much cuddle and kissing only and we certainly did not break up because of that, lasted a long time actually. A LOT of girls out there will not give orals simply because they don't like it/want to so your requests are not unreasonable at all but if your current bf has a compatibility issue with it then thats another story entirely. You shouldn't feel guilty over it, just focus on coping and getting better and don't stress anything else, the last thing you want is unnecessary anxiety. Link to comment
Jennifer89 Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I am really sorry you are going through this! I highly recommend the boards at link removed they were a huge help to me for a very long time, I still occasionally go back there. They are very supportive, good listeners and have great advise. Good luck in your journey to recovery! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Have you tried EMDR? I am trying that soon. Link to comment
Jennifer89 Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Have you tried EMDR? I am trying that soon. What is EMDR? Link to comment
ExcitedtoSleep Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Sorry to stray a bit, but I just read about EMDR. It sounds like me in the car with music. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 What is EMDR? Eye Movement Desentization and Reprocessing. It allows you to reprocess traumatic events and store them in the proper parts of the brain. Effectively making the past really the past. Instead of it intruding upon your present. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 link removed I am doing the therapy after I finish with my counselor doing the time line of my life. I had a brief interview with the therapist who does the therapy and she feels she can remove my panic disorder completely and maybe my PTSD too. Link to comment
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