Feelings of rejection

[Chalk]

How do you escape the feeling of rejection? I can't help but feel that there is something wrong with me. Like, initially I seem like a good idea but then am horrifically annoying and boring.

 

My ex of 6 1/2 years gave reasons such as...he loved me but not enough to commit, that he felt we grew apart and that the end of our relationship happened for a reason (I dunno what this reason was, clearly it was some cosmic force he couldn't control...maybe I'm just not as in touch with the universe as him!)

 

I felt that in our relationship, I would be more understanding of his weaknesses whereas he would call me lazy, unfit, antisocial. I like to go to bed early and I'm unfit? (I worked a stressful job and I need my sleep). I'm shy and introverted thus I'm antisocial. But, why stay with someone if you know these things about them and can't accept them? Why stay with them for so long?

 

He told me in a fairwell e-mail that he respected me for loving him for who he was and not trying to change him and that he felt that he should have loved me for what I was (...thanks, I'm a what not a who now).

 

And yet, I felt like I was an okay person before this but now I feel hesitant to let anyone in again encase there is something in me that is just unlikable. Am I this monster 'what'?

 

I tell myself that logically that it is 50/50. That it's not all black & white. That it is about compatabilty and not my internal worth. But my self esteem is in my boots and it's difficult to fight at times.

[pixel clouds]

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way I think a lot of us go through feeling rejected by the fact that our ex-partners didn't want to be with us after all we did for them, and how we stuck by them even when they didn't give as much in return.

 

It sounds like he damaged your self-esteem with the things he said. You are not the person he says you are, only you can decide who you are so please don't believe his warped view of you. I mean... going to bed early does not make someone lazy! Even you know it sounds illogical, yet when you've heard it so many times from someone so close to you you start to doubt yourself.

 

You need to focus on yourself now and not worry about letting anyone new in just yet, it will come with time. Work on you and finding happiness and your self esteem will return.

 

I found that reading the book "abandonment to healing" really helped me to realise that it's not *me* or who I am that is the problem, and to understand logically what I was feeling.

[offplanet]

It's understandable that you would feel rejected, seeing as a person who knew you well for 6 and 1/2 yrs no longer wants to be with you, but just think, he is just one person out of billions on the planet. It's just that he happens to be the one whose opinion matters now, which is the problem, and you're basing your self worth on this one person's opinion. It shouldn't be this way! If one person wants you, you're a fantastic successful person. If another person doesn't want you, you're useless. That doesn't matke sense! Anyway, that's all abstract theory, and I know how it feels to be rejected. We can feel worthless even when someone we don't care about rejects us. Try not to dwell on those self critical thoughts because they're not correct. You've exagerrated them to the extent of referring to yourself 'a monster'. See what you're doing? I also don't understand why a person stays with someone they're crtical of. Doen't make sense to me. Anyway, he stayed 6 and a half years so there must have been a lot he found good about you.

[Chalk]

Man today is a pile of crap. This morning I find out our 2 best friends are engaged (we used to go out loads as a couple). I'm happy for them but sad for me. Then I get an e-mail from him today just to re-iterate the point. It's articulate and honest but hurts like hell. I copied a bit just to show. There was a lot of here is what I am doing, I'm getting on with life.

 

'As for what happened with us, there are obviously flaws that in retrospect we should have addressed earlier. First serious relationship meant we were less equipped to do this, and for future relationships it will help both of us no doubt. The biggest issue was obviously communication. We didn't do it well enough. I got frustrated and angry and didn't sit and talk about things in a calm fashion. I should have been more open about what I thought about the future. But it's difficult. I knew I loved you and always will as a friend but I was looking for something else, some other form of love that came seemingly so easily to you, and I wasn't sure what it was like to feel that and whether I had it latterly. If I didn't know this, how could I marry you? I hope you understand that this was a confusing situation for me. In the end, I couldn't marry you for this reason.*

 

I'm not sure what you meant by couples counseling? Did you mean as friends or as an attempt to get back together? I hope you understand that I have tried to move on from us and I have occupied myself with lots of activities. I do not believe that we could work again as I think that the issues that caused us to break up, namely my doubt that I could love you fully to the extent you love me, would not go away. I know we'd communicate better, but good communication can only carry a relationship so far. I hope you don't feel I'm being too harsh with my words?'

 

It just hurts. I didn't particularly have any spectacular love for him but I loved him as a best friend. As mad as it sounds I consciously chose to maintain that spark by appreciating the little things. I do really feel rejected in that I can't inspire 'that special feeling' in him. I'm confused by the length of our relationship and why he would want to leave it for so long.

 

I've lost a lot with this as I've moved and quit my job. I want to give him a slap and say 'do you really think e-mailing about what you are doing in your life is interesting to me? I didn't ask, in fact, I said I didn't want to know how you were. Oh, I'm glad Scott is enjoying is work. I know you can't help what you feel and that's okay. You don't have to love me but respect that I am really hurt by this. Leave me alone.' And I will say this but when I've calmed down.

[JoJoStar26]

I know the feeling and some people are going thru what we are facing right now.

It does break down your self-esteem and make you unwanted by anyone.

I'm still struggling with the same issues due to my last break-up.

[pixel clouds]

Wow. That must have hurt It does sound like he's trying to 'put you in your place' by hammering the point home, and also alleviate some of his own guilt, at the expense of upsetting you further.

 

It sounds like you recognise that he's not "the one" for you given that you say that you didn't have any spectacular love for him, so hold onto that thought and know that you deserve more. You deserve someone who loves you for you and definitely doesn't put you down.

 

Take some time before replying. Maybe write your reply and email it to yourself to read in a couple of days to see if you still feel the same way. Sound it out with people here if helps. Or you could choose not to reply and just go No Contact, your silence will probably say more than any reply could.

[Chalk]

Thank you for replying it's been a pish day for me & it means a lot. Part of what hurts is that I feel like our whole relationship is invalidated by him saying I was looking for some other form of love. I thought I was in a love relationship. I don't understand why you would stay in a relationship if you didn't feel it? To me it devalues those seemly special moments and makes it hard to trust someone.

 

Eugh, I wish I could fall asleep & just escape this. I want that emotional diffusion that time gives.

[pixel clouds]

How long has it been since the break-up?

 

It's such a horrible thing to hear, but he must have felt *something* if he stayed for 6 and a half years. Perhaps he just isn't aware of the stages that relationships go through and the way he feels now is causing him to see the past in a distorted way. I know my ex did this... he bailed once we reached a certain stage because he felt like it should always be like it is in the honeymoon period otherwise it isn't 'real' love.

[lorelaijones]

Please don't believe this.

This is totally HIS idea of things.

Normally we point out at people the things we are bothered about ourselves.

If your habits don't bother you, why should they be a fault?

What is he, a pattern? No, please.

Start seeing things your way. And don't keep talking about things when you know it's over.

When you keep talking about reasons and details you'll always end up feeling bad about yourself or blaming someone.

Things are really simple, it didn't work out because you were not meant for each other, because you were not a good match, because love didn't happen.

It's not a science. Love is not a cookie cutter feeling, only made to the ones that fit in the requests.

No one should tell you how you should be or point out what they don't like about you, as long as you are a good person and treat them with respect, that's their problem.

[Chalk]

It's been 6 months and has been tough due to relocating and abandoning my career (which was a huge part of my life) It's been slow building things back up and I felt I was having a good few weeks. I think our friends engagement knocked the scab a little. He would know how much it would have hurt me and felt guilty about it so decided to have a good poke. Either that or it was a co-incidence.

 

Am hoping my fighting spirit kicks back in soon! If in doubt, I turn to these guys to make me smile

[sharky988]

It sounds to me like a case of the 7-Year Itch and he's trying to justify it by coming up with "faults" to blame you for it.

 

When he says another kind of love, I get the feeling he's thinking of infatuation. And that rush of the honeymoon phase.

 

Also I agree -- it's no coincidence this is arriving right after the news of your friends' engagement. I wouldn't think he's trying to maliciously poke you about it, it's more likely he's motivated by guilt as it just highlights what a tool he is for dumping you!

 

Please don't blame yourself! Not a lot to say today, I'm pretty blue myself, but just wanted to say that's what popped out at me when I read that portion of his charming little missive.

[Reflective82]

I don't have a lot of comfort as I am feeling the same way- 4.5 years and others get engaged, I get dumped! If I was you I would focus on healing AND get back in the game. Nothing is better for cushioning the blow than the attention of other men

[sarahvalent]

To the OP - this is what I think you need to do - reply politely thanking him and wishing him well and ask for no contact. In that time work on anything you neglected in the relationship, invest in your friends, get fit, start to have new experiences and make yourself happy. Go travelling. Try to get over him (no contact will help) and to build yourself up again and live your life.

 

You are taking on HIS feelings as a reflection of you. I have been in this situation and it sucks, but you need to separate yourself from this and make it so that only YOUR opinion of yourself matters. It will prepare you for a healthy next relationship and will take some time so don't be hard on yourself, but it needs to happen.

 

To me it sounds like he doesn't know what love is. I am sure you made mistakes, as did he, but this "love" thing is far more about him than about you. Love is a choice and an action, it isn't something that just "happens". Infatuation happens. I wondered if I could ever "love" my last boyfriend because I wasn't sure about my feelings and read up about it, one Jewish article talked about how giving elicits love... So I started really investing in the relationship and lo and behold it ended up with me loving him, more as a result of this giving than of what he did for me. He didn't invest, therefore never gave me the chance to give him those feelings.

 

The love you gave your ex is about YOU, it is inside you. It is your ability to love. It was never about him, apart from the initial stages of chemistry. Do you honestly think your ex will meet someone that will "do it for him"? No he won't. He may meet someone and he may marry her even, but if he couldn't bring himself to properly love you after 6 years then his love for her will be no different. He may just choose to run with it.

 

Women can love douchebags.. I'm sure you've seen that. So clearly it is no reflection of the person and rather a reflection of your decision and willingness to love.

 

Find a man who is open and ready after giving yourself some time out. Prepare yourself to love again but this time choose a man who will love you back and who will be good to you - don't jump into a relationship because its not fair on them and you won't be in the right mindset.

 

You will love again, what you're experiencing now is the lows of life.. But it's not forever and it's only as big a deal as you make it. I'll also say love takes a long time to die, but if you start investing in yourself then eventually it will fade for him and you'll be in a great place to make another man (who is willing and open) very happy.

[Chalk]

It sounds to me like a case of the 7-Year Itch and he's trying to justify it by coming up with "faults" to blame you for it.

 

When he says another kind of love, I get the feeling he's thinking of infatuation. And that rush of the honeymoon phase.

 

Also I agree -- it's no coincidence this is arriving right after the news of your friends' engagement. I wouldn't think he's trying to maliciously poke you about it, it's more likely he's motivated by guilt as it just highlights what a tool he is for dumping you!

 

Please don't blame yourself! Not a lot to say today, I'm pretty blue myself, but just wanted to say that's what popped out at me when I read that portion of his charming little missive.

 

Thanks for your post, I appreciate it sorry you're feeling low as well. I did wonder if it was infatuation he was missing or if there just wasn't something he wasn't getting in our relationship. I found that my love for him grew over time whereas he seemed to start off on a high point then slowly pick away at it/me. I find it confusing how you can make decisions like planning to get a morgage with someone and choosing to stay in the same city as they are for work and yet not see a future with them. Bleeuuugghh.

 

Anyway, as much as it hurts it doesn't change the outcome does it? May be it will be for the best that he has so resolutely told me he never felt that special something for me. Those special moments of our relationship have less value & are just confusing. Keep swimming though right?

[Chalk]

I agree with what you're saying. Self belief has never been easy for me but going through a low point does shake/wake you up a bit. Makes you reflect on who you are. I want this to grow from this but am a little scared that it could happen again. I'm sure I'm not the only one though. Thank you x x

[sparrow]

Chalk: The "reasons" your ex gave you are somewhat similar to the "reasons" my ex gave me, after 8.5 years. I feel UTTERLY rejected, and his excuses or whatever were really, really flimsy. It was all apparently sparked off by his younger brother getting married to his gf of 7 years and him just suddenly realizing he didn't want to marry me. He told me he loved me, but wasn't "in" love with me anymore and didn't feel the same level of love for me as I did for him. In my opinion, I think the ENTIRE thing just got old hat for him -- and he isn't emotionally mature enough to realize the different phases of a long-term, committed love relationship.

 

I think the poster sarahvalent is absolutely correct when she postedthis: "Do you honestly think your ex will meet someone that will "do it for him"? No he won't. He may meet someone and he may marry her even, but if he couldn't bring himself to properly love you after 6 years then his love for her will be no different."

 

I think MOST or all of what you and I are going through is a case of REALLY poor timing. I think if I met my ex 5 years from now, rather than having taken up his entire mid-twenties to mid-thirties, he would marry me and settle down. In my case as well, my ex got REALLY popular and has many, many exciting options of women to choose from, and I got old and boring.

 

It's really unfair and lame. Our exes mistake the infatuation stage for true love. I worked SO HARD at my relationship, as I'm sure you did too, and like you, my feelings for him only increased over time, and I thought my ex and I were on the same page in this regard, but I guess not.

 

I can only think of how incredibly SAD it is that our exes gave up on what was most likely the most intimate relationship they'll ever have.