A letter to the old you.

[Javabear]

The night you told me about Emily I said, “You’re not the person I thought you were” and that shocked you. You cried harder when I said that and you begged me not to mean it, but I did.

 

I still do.

 

The boy I fell in love with was sweet and kind. He was dedicated, devoted and loving. He would have never left me for someone else. The boy I fell in love with was also goofy and immature and I knew that he had a lot of growing up to do, and I was so excited to grow up with him. I knew that he could teach me a lot about letting loose and not taking life so seriously. That’s part of the reason why I fell in love with him in the first place. I knew that he would be a perfect balance to my personality. That’s such a rare thing to find and it turned out to be so easy.

 

The boy I fell in love with was not afraid to tell me the truth. He was honest with me about absolutely every aspect of life. When times got tough or arguments heightened, he never let me walk away. He chased me no matter what because he knew that life without me was a little less happy and a lot less loving. The boy I fell in love with followed me out into the night when I was crying at sat with me in silence until I was ready to talk. He was loyal and true and I knew that, in time, he would accept me again despite my frustration and tears.

 

The boy I fell in love with hiked with me in a snowstorm to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. The boy I fell in love with used to let me put my cold feet between his warm legs in bed. The boy I fell in love with held my hand when I was scared, encouraged me to pursue my dreams and always made me feel welcome in his arms. The boy I fell in love with went snorkeling with me in the cold November waters of the Pacific in silly wetsuits and masks. The boy I fell in love with planned a future with me and Claire and Coda in a house somewhere in the redwoods, or by the ocean, or in Chicago. The boy I fell in love with called me Bunny and wished me sweet dreams every night and thought I was beautiful every morning, even when I wasn’t.

 

The night you told me about Emily you became someone completely different. You lied to me. You said you didn’t want to like her and that you didn’t want to break up, but your actions spoke differently. When I asked you to help me work it out, you pulled even further away and made no effort. You. Gave. Up. If you truly meant what you said, you would have distanced yourself from her as much as you could and worked on reconnecting with me. But you gave in to temptation. The boy I fell in love with would have done anything to hold onto me because he knew how wonderful I am and how special my love is.

 

I don’t know who you are anymore, and I don’t care to. You’re cold and distant and disingenuous. If that is the type of person you want to be; if that’s the kind of boyfriend Emily wants, then she can have you. I love who you were. I am in love with who you used to be.

[LikeWater]

This is powerful stuff and I can relate to it quite a bit. Thank you for posting! I know how hard it is coming to this realization though, so I feel your pain and I'm sorry for what you're going through. This is a great epiphany to have, though.

[LAMBS4LIONS]

Im so sorry to hear about your pain Javabear. Just know that time will heal your wounds. Its so true about an ex suddenly changing into someone completely different. Its almost as if they are a ghost of their former self, a stranger who you no longer recognize. My ex also turned into someone i no longer recognized, we were together for 12 years. Surround yourself with friends, family and hobbies both old and new. Times will get tougher before they get better. I have been NC for over a year aside from a text i sent this past December and as much as it hurt it gave me closure. She replaced me and got engaged in less than a year. What you have to try to understand is that you are neither dispensable or replaceable. This is the time for you to be selfish and work on your self and do the things you have always wanted to do. Have fun for life is way too short to spend concentrating on someone who didnt see your self worth. I truley believe that people who leave their partners for someone else lack integrity, it says ALOT about their character and who they really are. They are cowards who mask the void of their ex with the new person in their life, its not real, its just an illusion. Keep your head high and let time do its thing

[Dealbreaker]

I could have almost written that... =(

[Javabear]

Thanks for all the positivity everyone. This piece came out of a very sad place, but good things have come from that place too. The only slight sense of victory I have felt so far is that it turns out Emily wasn't really interested in being his girlfriend after all. Time can and does heal, and writing helps speed up the healing. I'm glad I've found a place to share everything I want to say to him but can't.