Boomshine Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Someone please tel me what the hell is going on in my mind, because I can't make a lick of sense out of it. Quick back story: My gf and I were together for four and a half years, and we've been apart for over three weeks now. I've been NC the whole time. She's messaged me here and there, mostly about cleaning the old apartment which our lease just ran out on. A few times were non-apartment related. However, she's been NC as well since NYE, when we were at a party together. She's an emotion-bottler, so it's not terribly surprising, but I'd been hoping her loneliness would get her to break down and call or text me at some point... Anyhow, I've been working on getting over her. And things really clicked for me late at night on the 2nd. I made this post shortly afterward ( ). I've been moving on really well, accepting my life as it is (meaning without her for now and adjusting to my new surroundings in my new apartment). Been going out with friends to bars to talk and flirt with women, been working out, indulging myself in hobbies, frequenting eNA to talk with others to get help with my situation, and to also help others where I can, and the list goes on. I've noticed every day, I think about her less and less. I feel my neediness dying away as I continue to overcome my addiction to her. But the messed up part is, for the last three or four nights in a row, I've dreamed about her. And I don't mean like she shows up at some random point. I mean the dreams are predominantly her and I, being together again, and being extremely happy together. Obviously this is something that I want, but I also realize that if it is going to happen, it won't be for a while. At least not until we start spending time together again, and to get there, the contact between us needs to open up again. And I just don't understand it all. Why is it, that when I'm starting to really feel my best in the 3.5 weeks that this has been going on, that suddenly my subconscious is trying to throw me this curveball. ESPECIALLY 4 nights in a row. Is there something going on here? Is this part of the grieving process? Does it even really mean anything? I'm mostly asking just because I need someone to talk to. It's been really hard going through this alone, as I'm trying to not involve my friends as much as possible. 5 years ago, I was broken up with, couldn't handle it, and my constant stream of neurotic questions chased a few friends out of my life forever. I'm trying to not to do that again this time, and so you guys have become my safe outlet. If anyone wouldn't mind spending a few minutes to talk with and cheer up a super sad, confused, and worn-out guy, I'd really appreciate it. Link to comment
allcity Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 I think the subconscious mind just has its own way of processing things and often it's not on the same timetable as the conscious mind. Also, we can sometimes think that we're more 'over' them than we really are and our subconscious mind can be the best barometer of that, as our dreams etc are the real measure of just how 'over' them we really are. I've been broken up with one ex for about five years and she still shows up in my dreams from time to time (last night even). And even though I've got a great life and obviously moved on ages ago since we were together, I know for sure that I still have feelings for her, so these dreams are just more proof of that fact. You can't lie to your own mind, after all. IMO your mind is just processing things and indulging in a bit of wish-fulfilment while you sleep, to help you heal and get things straight mentally and emotionally. All normal and part of the healing process. Link to comment
Boomshine Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 You don't think that there's anything weird with the fact that it's been four nights in a row? Link to comment
Bonnie1985 Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 I think the subconscious mind just has its own way of processing things and often it's not on the same timetable as the conscious mind. Also, we can sometimes think that we're more 'over' them than we really are and our subconscious mind can be the best barometer of that, as our dreams etc are the real measure of just how 'over' them we really are. IMO your mind is just processing things and indulging in a bit of wish-fulfilment while you sleep, to help you heal and get things straight mentally and emotionally. All normal and part of the healing process. I second this. As much as we'd all like to think that all getting over our exes takes is some positive thinking and 3.5 weeks.... eh, no, not really. We need more time and reflection. I'm guessing the dreams are your brain's way of "reminding" you that you still miss your ex, despite trying to move past it as quickly as possible. Don't give up though! You just need more timeeeeee. Link to comment
allcity Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 You don't think that there's anything weird with the fact that it's been four nights in a row? Not at all. You've only been broken up for three weeks, after four and a half years together. What did you think, that you'd be over her by now?! It's just your brain sorting things out. There's no hidden meaning to it. It's a just a process you'll go through. And you may still have these dreams pop up every now and then. Link to comment
JoJoStar26 Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 I went through the whole dream phase with about my ex as well. It's been months since the last time i had one about her. But i believe it a role that i wasn't over her and how to get closure from what happen. To me it was reminder that i still cared for her, but i had to set her free. Link to comment
rocknrolla Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 i dreamed about my ex for months after the initial break, its been 7 months and i still periodically dream about her.But im also not over her in the slightest bit either. Link to comment
Boomshine Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Well, I'm not going to stop caring about her. I love this woman, and always will. And I know I'm not completely over her yet, but I'm getting there. I've made some great progress in the last 2 weeks. And no, I didn't expect I'd be fully over her by this point. But I probably haven't had a dream with her in it for months. And then four consecutive nights in a row. And compared to how I was for the first two weeks after I moved out, these dreams coming on now just seems so weird. Link to comment
allcity Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Compared to how I was for the first two weeks after I moved out, these dreams coming on now just seems so weird. I think getting over the breakup of a LTR is a lot like grieving over a death. Survival instincts, strength and a degree of denial kick right in at the start to help us through the shock and pain of what's happened and to help us deal with the initial impact. But this also stops us really looking at how we feel, until later when we're better equipped and ready to do so. That's when the real feelings come out and we can fully process what's happened and really start dealing with it and moving on. I think that's what you're going through. After all, they say that it takes half the time that you were in the relationship to fully get over it and I've certainly found those estimates to be true in my own breakups. Link to comment
Boomshine Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Cheers everyone, I appreciate it. Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Around the same time I had vivid dreams about the ex. It has stopped being replaced with morning anxiety. Link to comment
JoJoStar26 Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Only downfall from the heartbreak and losing someone. It make you fearful of ever getting attached to someone again. Link to comment
Boomshine Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Only downfall from the heartbreak and losing someone. It make you fearful of ever getting attached to someone again. I'm not worried about getting attached so much as becoming addicted again. I was a fool in the relationship, and after a while in the comfort zone, I started becoming insecure and extremely needy and clingy, making her fall out of love with me. I know better for all my relationships from here out, so this should hopefully be the last time I ever have to go through this again, but damn it still hurts like hell. Link to comment
JoJoStar26 Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 I'm not worried about getting attached so much as becoming addicted again. I was a fool in the relationship, and after a while in the comfort zone, I started becoming insecure and extremely needy and clingy, making her fall out of love with me. I know better for all my relationships from here out, so this should hopefully be the last time I ever have to go through this again, but damn it still hurts like hell. I guess that's what happen to me. Got extremely too comfortable and lost myself. Now look at me now ?! SMH!! Link to comment
Boomshine Posted January 15, 2013 Author Share Posted January 15, 2013 I guess that's what happen to me. Got extremely too comfortable and lost myself. Now look at me now ?! SMH!! Exactly. I lost my individual identity. What made ME stand out as a person. But never again. Link to comment
JoJoStar26 Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 Exactly. I lost my individual identity. What made ME stand out as a person. But never again. Better off alone, that's how it will be after u fall again and get hurt again. That's just me! Link to comment
Boomshine Posted January 16, 2013 Author Share Posted January 16, 2013 Looks like my pattern finally broke. Last night broke the streak. I dreamed about her 5 nights in a row, and last night she finally wasn't in it again. Damn my subconscious taunting me with happy, desirable things... Link to comment
Aii Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 I know what you mean bro. I broke up 3 months ago and I'm still going through hard times even though I try to keep myself busy and all, subconsciously or not, I will think about her and miss her. I guess its an inevitable process before everything improves. Hang in there like me, besides what other choices do we have, right? Cheers. Link to comment
Boomshine Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 Hang in there like me, besides what other choices do we have, right? Exactly. I had a breakup in 2007 where I did everything completely wrong. I let my emotions and neuroses get the best of me, and for the next 3 months, I proceeded to do everything I could to just talk to her and understand why the breakup happened. She never really did have an answer for me, and since I never got my closure, I just proceeded. It got so bad, she threatened me with a restraining order shortly after Xmas. It got UGLY. Now I definitely know better. So yup, I'm hanging out, enjoying my life, and trying to meet new people in the process. I still keep hope that someday down the road, when she talks to me again (I know she will, she has virtually no friends in this new city we live in. We were each other's best friend.), that we'll be able to respark something. But in the meantime, not much I can do about it, so might as well go date other girls, meet new people, and get a good boost of confidence, right? Link to comment
DepthOfField Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Dude, I really don't know what to tell ya. I'm 8 weeks since break up (via email) and NC as well ... She's in my dreams almost every single night. Either to reject me again, or we're back together. It will mess with you, but you just gotta ride it out. Link to comment
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