Is it over this time? Advice please

[Bayroot]

Hey guys,

 

I AM SO SO SORRY FOR THE LONG POST!!

 

Just to give you a background on my situation

 

- Been with gf for 4 years

- Broke up 11/01/13

- Had broken up many times during the relationship but never seriously, only for a day or two

 

Basically, I have to lay out and be honest here and say that I wasn't a great boyfriend. More like a Jekyll and Hyde. I treated her very well at times, but then I also hurt her the most. I never cheated and would never do anything like that, but when we would argue I would make nasty hurtful comments surrounding things about her life etc (I know, I'm so ashamed). I did all this over the period of about 3 years. This my first relationship, and although I'm 27 I think I am immature in this respect of my life.

 

I have always been the outgoing loud one in life. Never nasty, always everyone's friend and usually one of, if not the, most popular guys. But the relationship seemed to bring out things in me that lay dormant. Insecurity about me as a person. Trust issues. My parents relationship was a very bad one growing up. Physical and emotional abuse etc. They split for about 5 years but now are back together again and happy.

 

Anyway, my girlfriend finally properly split with me in August 2012. She moved half her stuff out (we share a flat) and went to her parents. We went back and forward in conversation for a while and then she came over one day and told me it's over. She can't do it anymore because I have hurt her so much and she can't take it anymore. She said although she loves me, she can't put herself through any more pain. She left the flat and I sat here and cried for hours, but then accepted it. 3 hours later she called me in tears saying she's sorry and she made a mistake, please take her back, we can work on things. I was very happy.

 

I vowed NEVER to hurt her again. I changed myself completely. Became a different person. But she didn't move on in her head. To her I was still the same bad man that I was before. Little pointless arguments about nothing where I would say nothing hurtful would make her blow up and shout, scream and leave. She was always on edge. She deep down never moved past the hurt I gave her, so she would over-react to everything. She admits this.

 

Anyway (sorry, this is long), we had an argument a week ago and she left. I made the big mistake of texting her on her way home "never come back again". She didn't speak to me for days. I called and text her and she ignored it. Then I contacted her and she spoke. She said she's not sure anymore. She doesn't wanna keep doing this. I unfortunately got scared that I lost her, so in a defensive way said "ok, fine, I'm done now, you haven't moved on, you have ignored me all week with no decency to tell me what's going on, I'm done". A couple of days later I asked her to come over and talk after work (she works 5 mins away). This was Friday 11/01 (2 days ago). She came and basically broke up with me in the same way as before.

 

When she got home I called her, lost all my emotional control, and cried and begged her to stay. She kept repeating no. She made a few comments such as "you're making this harder than it has to be" and "I want to be alone. I want to be single". She told me that there is no hope anymore for our future.

 

Now, last side note, during the relationship a lot of trust issues came up. She is naturally a very flirty person, but has never cheated and wouldn't. She was cheated on before and was so heartbroken, she broke down in tears when I accused her once and said she would never do that to someone because she has felt so much pain in the past from it that she couldn't put anyone else through it (she really DID get cheated on, I know the guy, and I knew that he was doing it, I used to work with her ex boyfriend years ago, but didn't know HER then, but knew this guy was cheating on her). Problem is, during the relationship, I checked her phone on occasion and she had text guys from work when we had relationship issues. One guy in particular, she text saying "Ill tell you all about my problems tomorrow". He was texting her "he shouldn't treat you this way, you deserve better". Well, she said he's just his friend. But it turns out months down the line that she now realises he fancies her and she deleted his number (true) and avoids him at all costs. They don't even speak (this was confirmed by people she works with). Also, during the last split, we got back together and I checked her phone one day, a message from a guy at work said "you are a beautiful angel". She didn't repsond, however she had prompted the conversation by texting him "Hi x". She told me that she didnt respond to this message so she didnt do anything wrong. Why she kept it on her phone for like 2 weeks though I dont know.

 

My worry now though is that now that I have pushed her away she might find one of these guys arms. I really want her back. I have hurt her so much in the past, but also I have changed and I can be the right man for her. She admits that since the original split it's been her who has been more hurtful to me, and she KNOWS that I have changed and am a different man, but she can't get past who I USED to be.

 

She told me (when I called her on Friday) that she would prefer I didn't call or text her anymore. She never said this last time.

 

I feel that it is really over this time, and I don't blame her. I wan't her to be happy. But at the same time I want to have kids with her, marriage, I want to die as an old man holding her hand in a warm bed.

 

- Do you guys think it's really over

- Do you guys think that she might get in another relationship or sleep with someone? I don't think she's that sort of person, but I'm paranoid becauase everyone on here is saying that when she says she wants space and wants to be alone 90% of the time she's seeing someone else. My girlfriend has never slept with anyone outside a relationship, and never slept with anyone until she has known them at least 3 months (except me). Then again, everyone says they never expected it from their girlfriends either...

 

I have left her alone since Friday. I want to give her space and freedom to be who she wants. Like I said, last time it took her 3 hours to realize she made a mistake. This is day 2 of NC now and I haven't heard a word. I don't think she's coming back I deserve it really.

 

People say I should expect the worse, expect that she is with someone else so that it doesn't hurt if it's true and I can move on quicker. However, if she calls me soon and I expect this, because of my trust issues in the past I might start believing that she has.

 

What do I do?

[Bayroot]

I forgot to add an important bit of information

 

- I recently left my job to pursue a professional music career. That has fallen through and I am unemployed atm. This happened before and we had to move in with her parents. She is scared this will happen again. I am actively seeking work and are close.

- I promised to go to therapy after the last break up. Things started getting better and I asked her "Should I still go therapy? It seems things are much better now!" and she agreed that things are better so maybe we worked through it.

 

During the break up she mentioned these two things. I told her I only didn't go therapy coz she agreed it might not be worth it now (I should have made my own decision as a man, this was her argument). Also, she mentioned the job situation.

 

I told her I am close to getting a job and I will go to therapy during my "begging" argument and she said it's too late now. I even said can we go to couples therapy together and she said she's not willing to, she's put too much work into the relationship already. She also said this relationship "drains her energy" even on days while we're not together.

 

I asked her about times when we were watching movies together, laughing and having fun. I said "did you feel this way during those times also" and she said "yes". I feel hurt that I laid there next to her while she was telling she loved me and was having fun, but deep down she was just "trying" to feel that way (this is what she said to me on friday)

[mhowe]

I think you should assume it is over. Nothing has changed --- and when you say you have --- and yet revert to "never come back"....well, it is a very immature approach to conflict.

 

You need to settle you first. No relationship.

Get a job.

Get some therapy.

 

Calm and focus. Leave her be.

[Bayroot]

Yeah I agree. I really did change though. I'm not perfect, and I did handle it immaturely. I'm like a smoke who has come down from 20 a day to about 5 a day.

 

I haven't really stated how bad she has treated me during this break up, because I am trying to look at all that I did wrong, but I felt justified in telling her to not come back because she, even at her own admittance, has been treating me less than great. She told me at one point that she "wants me to feel hurt the way she felt it in the past".

 

I do need to sort my own life out asap.

 

Thanks for your reply.

[matti]

I'm going to be very honest here and please be open-minded and understanding. This isn't a personal attack. But, I think that you seriously need to give her some space and really work on yourself. I don't believe for a moment that you can change in such a short amount of time. I think you want to change right now, maybe for her. That isn't necessarily bad at all. But, it's always when it's too late that everyone wants to change and work on the problems that they should have been working on when the the problems initially arose.

 

If you two were to get back together now, the old you (that you said has changed) would only come back after you believe that things are alright again and you start slipping back into old routines. It takes a lot of time to really change like that. You have to remember that when a breakup happens, a lot of the time the dumper reverts back to being how they were at the beginning of the relationship, when things were exciting and so on, so he can attempt to win back his dumpee's love and affections. However, in the beginning of the relationship, you're both trying to be the best possible mate towards your partner. Only now, it's just you who's left trying to impress her.

 

I've been in your position before. I have changed a lot over the years. In my late teens and early 20's I was horrible to many of my girlfriends. I carried that guilt with me over time and eventually I changed my anger issues, ultimately I did change as a person. As far as my more recent relationship is concerned, I don't believe that we really ever got in one argument. Sure, we've had disagreements, as all couples have at some point. But, we never actually screamed at each-other, nor did we attempt to physically or mentally hurt each-other. If you love someone, why would you want to hurt them? I just don't get it at all.

 

With that said, take some time. Focus on you and only you. Work on your temper and your need to hurt those you care about. Once you can put those negative traits and habits behind you, then perhaps you can focus on trying to reconcile, if it's not too late then. But, usually by the time that happens, you'll both have moved on and most likely will have grown apart. If she see's that you have really changed, maybe she'll be willing to give it another shot. But, whatever you do, don't force it. You can't ever force someone to love you, or even care for that matter. And more than anything, remember that if you really love them, you'll want them to be happy regardless of whether it's with you or not.