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Just Venting Again........


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Trying to Improve Myself

Pain. To be able to improve yourself is being able to learn from your pain. Everywhere I go and everything I read is about people learning from their mistakes and painful experiences. What if some of this pain you unintentionally inflict on yourself? For example: "I sometimes break my own heart imagining my first heart break". Does it work the same way as well? Will I be able to learn from my own "unintentionally" self-inflected pain?

 

My Ugly Side, my Overly Defensive Personality

Everyone has an ugly side, even me. A friend told a while ago that I had a defensive personality. After reflecting (later on) on what he said, it is true, I am too defensive.

 

In the past, when ever someone makes a joke about me, I find that I cannot laugh along in the spirit of good humor. I feel offended and insulted. Of course, I suppress such feelings and try to laugh along. Upon finding that I can't laugh along, I turn my back on them. Because of this, I have lost one or two friends in the past and also prevented me sometimes from making new friends.

 

Now, I still have that defensive personality, except I am not suppressing my feelings as much. Just yesterday, a friend played a little practical joke on me (same friend that said I am defensive). I was a little joke and it shouldn't have bothered me. Yet, I was so defensive that I chased him down, clenched my fist and if I didn't restrain myself, I would have punched him in the face with everything I got. The last thing I want is to be hurtful. What makes it a little worse is that the girl I like was there also.

 

I really HATE my defensive personality, particularly in situations like this. I truly want to be able to laugh at myself even if it is along with someone else, yet my defensive personality holds me back.

 

Voicelessness

Too long I have been silent, to the extent that my voice seems to have diminished. Sometimes I daydream, dream about what it would be like to be completely opposite of who I am now.

 

I sometimes dream of what it is like to sing to an audience without a microphone, and have my poignant words move them. I dream of what it is like to hold myself with composure, and having such a presense that it feels like I own the stage and the audience. I dream of being able to make people happy (through my music).

 

Sometimes I wish that anything I cannot say in real life I would like to say in writing. I would like to tell her my feelings, but I seem unable to tell her to her face. At a time I thought I could tell her via this forum. However what I should be able to do is tell her to her face.

 

Whether I tell her my feelings in real life or via this forum, in doing so it would be the most daring thing I have ever done in my life. To admit my feelings to her is like jumping in the deep end of the pool, trying to teach myself how to swim and at the same time hoping I don't drown.

 

Lack of Social Skills and Other Important Skills

As a child, always made to sit still, be silent and focus myself on my studies. Growing up, I find myself wishing to be more active physically and socially.

 

Confidence, self-esteem, social skills....things that cannot be learnt in the classroom or by paying a tutor but though life experiences. As a result of having a overly-protected life, I don't have much experience in anything, thus the low confidence, low self-esteem and low social skills.

 

For now, I wish I had more social skills. I am not exactly known for my quick wit or quick tongue. Usually in social situations, I find my friends talking to their other friends. As for me, I would be a little left out and the most I could do is occasionally say "what are you guys talking about?". When I find that they are talking about something I don't know much about, then I won't be able to join in their conversation at all.

 

Another thing is my lack of judgement. I don't like to judge people, nor do I like people to judge me. My experience is that everytime I try to make judgements about someone (especially my sister) they feel very offended. I don't want to offend anyone nor do I want to feel offended.

 

The Girl I Like

For this girl, she has qualities that I wish I had (i.e. she has a personality quite different from my own). Would someone with such a different personality be able to relate to me?

 

My greatest wish/dream is to meet a girl that I could share these very thoughts that I have been putting on this forum. I want a girl that I could share a piece of my soul with, a girl that has a similar spirit to me and a girl that would support me in the low points of my life and be proud of me at my high points of my life.

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VeryShy,

 

I am your biggest fan. I get much comfort from your forums, knowing that someone out there is so in tune to so beautifully express themselves. I might not be as shy you, but I too am sensitive, and find myself wondering if people understand me. Your last line about the type of woman you want I TOO wonder. I want that for my life as well, because I too can feel so sad, but yet can accomplish so much. We are the oposite side of the same coin. I the more energetic, and social side, and you the shy, and meloncholy side. But we are both sensitive, and emotional, and we want to know tht we have a place in this world where we will be happy for the rest of our days. You have a friend in me, I hope you keep in touch with me. You are someone to admire for your brave brave words. I look forward to your forums, and I know you will find what you desire my friend. Keep being who you are, and those that love you will follow. Good luck to you, and I hope to hear from you soon.

 

Your friend,

Boomer

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