Figuring out "attraction"

[EssexMan]

I'd ideally like to find a girl that's fairly similar to her, so wouldn't it make the most sense to get her opinion?

 

A girl might be "fairly similar" to this one and yet have significantly different criteria in terms of what she's looking for in a guy, so I don't think it would be particularly useful.

[Slimpee]

I think there are a few takeaways here:

 

1. Every woman wants something different

2. You have some modicum of control over everything except your height

3. Be the best person you can possibly be

4. You can't "solve" attraction. It's perhaps the most illogical reaction a human can have

5. Don't try to be what you think women want. Be happy with yourself instead.

[Wonderstruck]

I think it's a bad idea because she won't feel comfortable giving you a straight answer. It probably is as simple that she wasn't attracted to you but that's often uncomfortable to say.

 

I completely agree with this. In fact, I don't want to hurt your feelings, Matt, but if you felt that you and this girl were compatible and you had some sliver of a "mental/emotional connection", yet she still turned you down when you asked her out...there's a 99.9% chance that it's because she simply wasn't physically attracted to you. And that's not something that she would probably ever feel comfortable admitting to you.

 

It's not your fault, and there's nothing you can do about it, but it's also not her fault either. You're either attracted to somebody or you aren't. The physical/sexual chemistry just isn't there between the two of you. You just have to accept it.

 

You also REALLY need to accept that it could be something as simple as that, and not keep trying to convince yourself that there HAS to be a deeper reason. Just because YOU look for a mental/emotional connection first, and THEN develop physical attraction later, doesn't mean that everyone is like that, or that everyone's criteria is like that. Most people need to feel physically attracted to the person, and if she wasn't physically attracted to you, then you're out - simple as that. No other explanations or justifications necessary.

 

A girl might be "fairly similar" to this one and yet have significantly different criteria in terms of what she's looking for in a guy, so I don't think it would be particularly useful.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking.

 

Every person is different, and there's no guaranteeing that just because two people have similar personalities, they would look for, or be drawn to, similar personality traits in a person. The physical attraction aspect alone throws that out the window, since people have wildly different ideas about what makes somebody physically attractive. They also have wildly different ideas about what makes someone's personality attractive.

 

Also, you really need to stop approaching this situation from such a technical/analytical standpoint. This isn't an experiment in a lab with controlled conditions and test subjects. These are human beings, and we're talking about emotions, chemistry and attraction here.

 

This whole notion that you keep coming back to, of actually ASKING somebody WHY they weren't attracted to you, is useless. And quite frankly...yes, it IS creepy. You asked her out ONCE, months ago - if months later, you go up to her and ask her why she didn't want to go out with you, she's going to KNOW that you've been obsessing over her, and her rejection of you, this entire time.

 

It also puts her in a very uncomfortable position that she doesn't deserve to be in. She doesn't owe you anything. She doesn't OWE you an explanation. Nobody does. This particular girl just wasn't interested in you. It happens all of the time. I know it sound blunt, but you really just need to accept it and let it go.