Hi its the shieldfan again..... another followup to my posts

[Shieldfan]

Hi. If you read my previous posts, you have the background story. I´ve been talking off and on to this guy she said she likes, or even loves as she said. He plays the same game as me and my gf does, so i meet him in game now and then. He is a very nice guy, easy to talk to. Anyway, this evening i talked to him again, and all of a sudden he asks me what my gf has told me about him. Usually him and me talk gametalk, or just guy talk, but this time he turned more personal. I answered that she hadnt said that much about him, except for the time she said that she admitted to liking, or even loving him, but that it wouldnt go far, and that im her bf. I asked him what he meant, and he said that she has fallen for him, and that she had told me that. He said he doesnt wanna come between us, and that he doesnt feel good now. I asked if he was in love with her, and he said that he didnt love her, he sees her more as a friend. I told him not to be sad, and that she loves me, and i love her. He said also that he is trying to make my gf understand that he doesnt want to be her lover, just her friend. We talked a bit more about it, and i told him again not to feel sad, and he said that after our conversation he felt better. The thing is, i don´t like talking behind my girls back, thats why i at first felt uncomfortable when he brought this up. But then we just talked, and i didnt feel so uncomfortable anymore. I love my gf very much, and she loves me, we make sure to let each other know that too =) If she doesn´t love me or doesn´t want me anymore, because she has fallen for another guy, she would let me know right? I have seen some signs lately that she doesnt wanna spend as much time with me as before, little signs like fewer SMS, fewer messages at yahoo, sometimes she just feels distant to me. But maybe we have reached beyond the first stage of our relation, and life is making itself heard. Maybe she is concerned about our first meeting, that comes closer and closer. Though she says she is excited about our meeting. God, im excited, and terrified about it too, since i don´t know how it will turn out at all. I just hope that she is not looking to replace me now without saying it to me, that would kinda take the edge of my trip to meet her... Anyway, more words pouring out of me hehe. Any comments are appreciated, especially from Ilse =)

 

Shieldfan

[arwen]

Hey shieldfan,

 

I am honoured! Well, it could be you are past stage 1, although 1. it's difficult to say from a third person's perspective and 2. you haven't met yet. Really really falling in love in my opinion necesarily involves getting 'to smell' each other. Haha, I am a believer in the pheromone theory. Just be patient, shieldfan! You only know her from the net... stay close to yourself. I tell myself the following over and over again: ME also, I need to find out if he is the right person for me. It's not only about him liking ME!

 

I tell you a short background, that you can also find here: link removed

 

The story of this guy, now in retrospective, was that I liked the fact that HE liked ME. And when that fell away, there was nothing left but my despair for reassurance. I felt like a dirtbag, in the last month (of two months in total!) he wouldn't even touch me. Totally different from my current bf. In other words: my ex and I we had the soulmate thing, but not the chemistry. And you know, the chemistry is still the part you need to wait for. You don't KNOW if you will really like her in real life. You think you are sure of that now, but what if you are not? Please don't fool yourself by the attention or affection she might show. Stay close to yourself. I feel much better in the current relationship, although I have my moments. As we all know here. And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. I will cry for a month and move on. Just like the times before.

 

So, about the other guy. I think it was really nice of him to talk to you. Now all is clear out in the open, except that you do need to confront your gf about this talk. Maybe now, maybe when you see her. I would do it soon, I think. These are the kind of conversations we all like to postpone and act like it will just go away as long as we ignore it. I am a star for it, really, I could win an award in being not open about issues in a relationship. But I have no real issues except for my own. And this is something that is definitely BETWEEN the two of you. Your gf has been honest, I think she just likes the guy and that he is a great contribution to the game. But really, shieldfan, PLEASE step out of the game already!

 

You need to develop the relationship outside the internetgaming. In the game you are even further away from reality than chatting online with someone you never met! She has told you you are her bf. This is pretty 'forward' considering the fact you haven't met. Trust her, but don't put your whole life in her hands! Just see what happens when you are there. She wouldn't let you come if things weren't ok. I know I wouldn't.

 

Well, I hope I helped you, it's 2:13 AM now and I promised myself an early night haha. I am now officially an link removed addict.

 

good luck and stop worrying!

 

Ilse.

[Shieldfan]

Thanx Ilse, i always appreciate your replies =) I sent my girl an email now, telling her about this conversation i had with this guy. I also said that, besides from being excited about meeting her, i gotta be realistic about it, that there is a chance that her and me won´t work out, and that scares me a bit. I know she thinks about it too, she mentioned it earlier this year. But i wrote in the email that if i didn´t think there was a chance for us, i wouldn´t go to visit her. Like you said, it either works or not. Meeting in real life is a huge step for her and me, and i can understand if she is a bit scared too. I will be her first real life boyfriend if it works out, all her other boyfriends have been "cyber". And that may be scary for her too. She says she is extremely shy in real life, but on the net she is everything but shy hehe. I believe she has a crush on this guy, but she says she loves me, and, as you said, if things weren´t ok, i don´t think she´d let me come see her. Another thing that this guy mentioned to me when we talked some week ago is that my gf makes him uncomfortable sometimes by yelling at him, getting mad at him and so on while they chat. I remember she was the same to me sometimes, up until a cpl of weeks ago, when she wasn´t anymore. So maybe she takes out anger on him instead, i don´t know. Or maybe i don´t upset her anymore. She said to me once that she hopes i won´t be fed up with her temper, and that when she is mean to me she is actually mean to herself. Now it seems she has redirected hear meanness to this guy, i dunno... Just a thought. Maybe she misses the sparks and feelings between us the first times we met, and is looking for them elsewhere. Opps now i have written an entire essay hehe ;-)

 

 

I really had lotsa help from writing here in this forum, especially from you Ilse. Love is a wonderful thing, and i really want me and her to work, and it feels good to know that i can spill my guts in here hehe.

 

Appreciate more comments Ilse =)

 

Shieldfan

[arwen]

Hey Shieldfan,

 

Glad that I can be of help to you!

 

Well, the comments she made about being shy in real life, and being completely different in the world of inet and gaming should make you a bit careful. She might not be the person you 'fell in love with' in real life. I am sorry, but this is a bit of a red flag to me. She has only had cyberrelationships? Just be careful.

 

The email is a good thing, you have been honest and now it's her turn to tell you how she feels. You say she has a crush on the other guy, but how is that even possible? Maybe I am oldfashioned, but a crush is normally even more based on physical attraction?

 

I don't know how you live but I assume you have had real life relationships before, or not? I am not that familiar with the world of gaming on the net or chatting online with complete strangers (this forum is the most I make of the net). If this girl is different on the net, and she never had a relationship, she might have some serious issues.

 

How old is she?

 

Keep me posted

 

Ilse.

[Shieldfan]

I have had some short relationships, but never found the one, so to speak. And she has never hidden the fact that she is very shy IRL. Her and me were talking earlier this year about people meeting on the net often gets to know each other even better than meeting IRL, maybe that´s true, because here you have to talk, and not rely on looks, body language etc. The closest to reality is when we chat with cam, or talk on the phone. I feel the other way, on the net i see myself as a bad communicator as oppose to real life, where i can communicate more easy with people, and flirting hehe lol. Anyway, she is 23 years old, so its a age gap, but we don´t see that as an obstacle her, and me. Again, we will see if we click IRL when i go see her. And i hope that if she already knows somehow that she doesn´t want me, that she tells me that, and not waiting until i land there and tell me on the airport..... That is a bit concerning for me, though i love her and trust her, if she wants to tell me that she isn´t interested in me anymore,but cannot for some reason, and uses other means to make me realize it, for example wanting this other guy, not talking to me as much as before, not wanting to cam with me as much as before (she always wanted me to kiss her goodnight on cam), or simply being more distant to me. I dunno, i guess i have to wait for her reaction on my email.

 

Thanx for replying Ilse =) Always enjoying your comments ;-)

 

Shieldfan

[arwen]

Well, in the beginning my bf and I send each other msgs all the day. Now that he started univ again, this changed. It's normal. It means only more when he sends a nice message... so it could be a stage in the relationship.

 

Just don't keep your hopes up too high, she is much younger (although near my age), but has no real experience in relationships. The thing with the other guy is sort of a symptom of that. You can't tie her down, so to say, because it shows a bit of non-committance. (is that a word)

 

Anyway, got to go now, see you later,

 

Ilse.

[Shieldfan]

Hi Ilse =) I got reply from my girl now. She says that she told this guy last nite about having a true love that you can´t be with, and someone you love that you can be with. Then she asked me if i think it´s possible to love 2 people at the same time. She also asked me if there is one true love for you out there but that doesn´t mean that the one you´ll be with is your true love. I wrote her an answer, saying that to me true love is dedicated to one person only, and that it´s difficult to give 2 persons the same love and affection that true love means. I also said that to me love is three-dimensional, meaning that aside from talking and sending each other pics or doing cam together, there is touching and feeling, and, as you said, smell =) I dunno whether she meant that this guy is her true love that she can´t be with, and i´m that someone she loves and can be with. I dunno how long she has known this guy, but it´s not as long as she has known me, im pretty sure of that. We are gonna have a talk now when she gets back.

[arwen]

Kind of a confusing answer, I think! In my opinion, this girl is confused and complex. Well, all girls are complex to men haha! But anyway, take care of your heart shieldfan! I don't know what she meant. I could give my interpretation but it has no value, she is the only one that can make things less opaque for you.

 

Well, because I would want anyone's interpretation on this one anyway, I give you my two cents:

 

She told the other guy she couldn't be with him but he is her real love. But she can be with you and she loves you too. Either this guy lives nearby and she loves him too, and you are her true love. Ok, I have no clue whatsoever.

 

The truth is: you don't know if you love each other. You still have to meet irl. I know I keep dwelling on the same point here, but truth is, I have no other point. Love IS 3-dimensional. And thereforeeee you should be carefull in expressing those words to each other. Maybe you should be friends and decide to have a relationship or not when you have met irl.

 

Hope you can speak to her soon,

 

Ilse.

[Shieldfan]

Hi Ilse, and thanx for answering again I value your interpretation. And we talked tonite, me and my girl. It seems that we both are both excited AND scared for our first meeting, knowing that there is a chance it might not work out. But her biggest fear is, that when we meet, and we fall very deep in love with each other, the distance between us. And i feel that too. What if we find out that we really wanna be together. One of us apparently has to move then..... That´s the next step for us, if things work out between us. So i guess the best thing now is to just wait til we meet, and take it from there =) Oh and BTW, this other guy is almost as far away from her as me, he is from Europe too. So they haven´t met IRL. And i know his standpoint in this, at least i´m pretty sure, he seems like an open and honest guy.

 

Anyway, thanks again Ilse for your comments and your support =) Now am off to bed =P

 

Shieldfan